


A sucker for love stories

by notreallystraight



Series: A sucker for love stories [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, F/M, Gay, Lesbians, SO GAY, The 100 - Freeform, vampire, very gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:11:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 64,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8352223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallystraight/pseuds/notreallystraight
Summary: Lexa's a big bad vampire and she's doing everything she can to (not) fall in love with the pretty blonde girl she's seeing everywhere.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is something a bid different but I hope you'll all enjoy it anyway 
> 
> woopah
> 
> I'VE CHANGED THE TAGS, DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SUCH A BIG DEAL. SORRY
> 
> anyway...

The burning sensation of hunger is something that never goes away, you just get used to it. 

She can feel her jaw tightening and her teeth sharpening. She could eat anything right now, honestly.

She normally never lets it get this intense, she never takes any risks when it comes to her hunger. But it's been a busy couple of days and she's only been able to catch squirrels and mice. She needs something bigger, something stronger. 

She knows what Anya would say, "You need something human, kid. "

That's what she always says. "You know, you don't have to kill them. Just a sip. " 

But just the thought of doing it makes Lexa feel like she could throw up or break down crying. 

She's almost gone through the entire forest, she can hear the crowd of students getting out of school and onto the parking lot. They're close. 

She picks up the speed a little, does a few easy runs here and there just to make sure she didn't miss anything. A rabbit or a big bird could do. Squirrels are too fury and mice, well, she might as well eat dirt. 

"You are such an idiot, Bell' " 

The voice is sweet and gentle, a bit of a rasp but it sound like it could just be a cold. 

Lexa's getting off track. She's hungry and she's too close to people. Her hands are shaking and her knees feel weak, this is too risky. 

She turns around just when the voice comes back. 

"Seriously, you're a dick. I'm walking home, okay? I'm serious! Leave me alone, Bellamy. I'm not doing this right now. " 

She sound panicked. Her breathing is short and Lexa can almost feel her heartbeat from where she's standing. She turns to look around the parking lot again. No one is looking near her direction, it's fine. 

But there are at least a hundred kids getting in and out of cars. They're yelling and screaming and laughing. God, If there's something Lexa doesn't miss it's highschool. 

"Fuck you, Bellamy! Yeah, just get the fuck out of here and never talk to me again! " 

Lexa flinches at the sound of a car door slamming shut, the girl is not in the car though. Her breathing is forced and rushed and she's walking fast. Lexa has still not spotted her. 

More and more kids are leaving the parking lot, clearing some space for Lexa to take a better look. She focuses on the breathing of the girl. In, out, in, out. It gets calmer and calmer. 

"Hey, kid! " 

Lexa jumps when she hears the voice and the two hands slamming against her shoulders. 

"Anya, " She says. "You scared me, fuck. " 

"Looking for lunch? " Anya only says that because she knows how much Lexa hates it. All of the vampire-clichés there exists have been either created or used by Anya. 

"What are you doing here? " Lexa asks, turning away from the school. 

"Nothing. Well, I was following you but then you got all quiet and weird. You know, it's pretty creepy just staring at highschool-kids. " Anya scratches the inner corner of her eye, smearing her eyeliner even more. 

"You look like a mess, " Lexa says. 

"Well, it's been a while since I've been home- "

"You don't have a home, Anya. You just end up somewhere until you eventually "accidentally" kill them. " 

Lexa doesn't know why she feels annoyed. Maybe it's because she can't pick up the heartbeat or breathing of the girl with the pretty voice, maybe because she's starving and the sound of the kids' heartbeats are almost like music in her ears. 

"Someone's being a bitch, " Anya says with a squeaky voice and her hands on her hips, nodding her head with every word. 

"I'm just hungry. "

"Wanna hunt for a little while? " Anya asks, not taking her eyes off Lexa. 

"I've tried. I have some leftover squirrel in my fridge so I'll just take that. " 

"Fine, " Anya says. "Just leave me alone in the big, dangerous world like always. " 

"You're the one making it dangerous. " Lexa spits. 

"Potato potahto. " Anya laughs and with a single wink she's gone. Only leaving the whoosh of the air behind her. 

Lexa loves her but sometimes she's the worst person ever. 

***

She pretty much empties her fridge when she gets home. 

"Clarke? Is that you? " Abby calls from the office. 

"Who else could it be? " Clarke calls back, mouth full of marmite sandwich. 

"Oh, you know. My other better, more loving and caring daughter. " Abby laughs as she continues to type. 

"Ha ha, very funny. " 

It's a joke Abby always uses. Clarke's an only child and Abby joking about having a "perfect" daughter somewhere else in the world is an ongoing theme.

There's a bit of ruffling with some papers and then the sound of a wooden chair being pushed against the wooden floor. 

"Do you need more money for lunch? " Abby asks and before Clarke even gets to say anything she's going through her wallet, pulling out a few 20 dollar bills. 

Clarke sits down on the couch with her food. It consists of the sandwich, a coke (diet), come leftovers from yesterday and a chocolate bar she stole from Octavia earlier today. 

"Seriously, Clarke. If this is your way of telling me you're eating for two- "

"Mom! Jesus fucking Christ, " Clarke yells and turns on the TV. Abby comes and sits down next to her. 

"What are we watching? " Abby asks.

Clarke just turns, looks at her, and then looks at the TV again. She turns it off, gets her food and walks out of the room and up the stairs. 

"I was joking, Clarke! " Abby yells from downstairs. "You're so dramatic! " 

"Wonder where I got it from, " Clarke whispers to herself. 

Her room is a mess, no surprise there. Sometimes she'd love to have one of those mothers that would just magically clean their kid's room for them. Just, out of pure love, clean and tidy the room because why not? 

Then again, Clarke doesn't remember the last time she helped her mother with something without being asked.

Her phones starts ringing. 

"Yup? " Clarke says and takes a sip of her coke. 

"Clarke? Can you hear me? " 

"Yeah, loud and clear, Octavia. What's up? " Clarke finds her computer, keeping the phone put between her ear and shoulder. 

"I dropped my phone in a bowl of water and I just needed to be sure it was working. " 

"How the fuck do you drop a phone in a bowl of water? Also, why was there a bowl of water? " 

"I was going to boil some eggs, you know. And then I dropped it. " 

"Why are you boiling eggs? " 

"For the science project? You know, the one we're turning in in two days? " 

"Shit, " Clarke says under her breath. She opens and unlocks her laptop and goes through the school's website. She logs in and opens up the site where all of her homework is written. There are a lot of red lines and marks from all of the stuff Clarke still hasn't made. She's a bit behind. Just a bit. 

"You're so fucking screwed. " Octavia laughs and she can hear someone in the background. And then some weird sucking noise. 

"Is that Lincoln? Are you guys making out? " Clarke makes a grimace. 

"Yeah. " She hears Octavia mumble, followed by a laugh. 

"I fucking hate you guys. Bye. " 

Clarke hangs up and puts her phone on her bedside table. 

She closes the school's page and then opens her Facebook. She's got about twenty unread messages and she's not even considering reading a single one of them. She scrolls through her feed for a little while, pulling up some music to hear as she does so. 

A news story about a guy found dead behind a dumpster in New York pops up and she can't help but read it. She's far from New York, but she reads the comments and more and more people are saying that animal attacks are something that's been happening way too often lately. 

She's heard about the body that was found here in LA. She didn't know the guy, of course she didn't. It's LA. People die here all the time. But the fact that these, whatever they are, have been going on for over 70 years is starting to freak her out.

She reads through the story, nothing but conspiracy theories and bullshit about a serial killer. 

"Clarke! I'm leaving for work again. They just beeped me. There's money for pizza in the kitchen, bye. Love you! " 

"Love you too, bye. " 

Clarke's mind is somewhere else. It's on Bellamy. 

He was being really weird today, he was mean. 

Well, he's always a bit mean. But not to Clarke. They've been dating for a total of three months now and, well, it's not going great. They're having more sex than they're talking. If her mother knew anything about Clarke's love-life she'd shit herself. 

She thinks about inviting him over, but with her mom out of the picture she's sure they wouldn't end up talking much anyway. 

So she finds an episode of Friends and goes through almost half a season before shutting it off and tries to do her homework. 

***

She feels better already. 

She's still hungry, she always is. Anya says that when she's done feeding she doesn't feel hungry, because she's had "real" food. 

"You made one mistake and now you won't even taste a little bit. "

That's always Anya's line when they end up discussing eating-habbits. 

Lexa looks at herself in the mirror. She's pale, not as pale as before she ate, but she's still ghost-like. 

"Nothing a little bit o' make-up won't change. " 

Another one of Anya's special lines. 

She's wearing a loose, grey tanktop and a pair of moss-green trousers and, of course, her red, fuzzy socks. You wouldn't think the most dangerous creature alive would wear fuzzy-socks, but Lexa swears to all things holy that she feel the freezing cold floor sink up through her normal socks. 

Plus, she lives by herself in a cottage in the woods. No one can tell her she's not allowed to wear them. 

She drinks the rest of the blood in a cup with a straw and then sits down at her computer. 

She goes through the list of news, people found dead. Victims. 

One in New York from this morning, one in DC last night and one here in LA from a couple of days ago. 

Lexa had gotten so mad when she read about that one. She'd broken Anya's thumb just by flicking it. 

She hates that Anya can't just live off animal blood, but she learned a long time ago that she's never going to convince Anya to switch. Now she's happy if she just doesn't kill anyone, which she did. 

Anya told her it was an accident. That the guy had tried to stab her with a kitchen knife and suddenly she "couldn't stop". It's bullshit. 

It's always bullshit with Anya. 

The killings in the other towns, those are done by people like Anya. People who think that because they can then it's okay.

***

Clarke orders pizza ten minutes before they close, she can almost feel the annoyance from the guy taking her order. 

"One pepperoni pizza and one Hawaiian, thank you. " 

She puts away the pamphlet they keep in one of the kitchen drawers. 

"Uhm, no. No thank you. I'm eating two pizza's by myself, no need for extra cheese on either of them. " 

The guy doesn't laugh at Clarke's joke. She thought it was pretty funny though. 

She hangs up after giving him her address. Then she slumps back down onto her couch until thirty minutes later there's a knock on her door. 

"Hey, " She says and takes the pizzas, balancing them with one arm whilst paying the man, making sure to leave a big tip. 

"Have a great night, " She says and closes the door. "You fucking idiot, " She whispers when it slams shut. She looks at the pizza's. One of them is with ham and cheese and the other one if pepperoni. 

"How do you even fuck that up? " 

She puts the pizzaz on the kitchen counter before picking up her phone and calling Octavia. 

"The pizza guy fucked up the delivery and I got ham and cheese. Wanna come eat it for me? " 

"Can Lincoln come too? " 

"Sure. Only if you bring the soda, I'm all out. " 

Clarke grabs a big piece after hanging up. Her front door opens about ten minutes later her guests have arrived. 

"Ah, Linctavia in all its glory, " Clarke says from the couch, a string of cheese hanging from her mouth to the slice in her hand. 

"Nice, " Octavia says, putting down her stuff. 

Lincoln drops down in the couch right beside Clarke. He grabs a piece of the pepperoni pizza and Clarke slaps his hand, her mouth full of food. 

"Hey! I invited you to eat the bad one, Linc' " She says. 

"Someone's cranky, " Octavia says and lifts an eyebrow. 

"Yeah, say that to your brother. " Clarke mumbles as she finishes her slice. 

"What did he do this time? " Octavia asks, sitting down in the comfy chair across the couch. 

"He was real fucking mean. I was talking about what happened in art class and he suddenly just stops me and tells me that my life is the most boring thing in the world and that- " 

"What did happen in art class, though? " Lincoln says. The girls both turn to look at him, he stuffs his mouth with pizza to show that he'll shut up now. 

"And then for the rest of the day he just kept answering me in a really weird way, like whatever I said was stupid and dumb. " 

"You know, sweetie, " Octavia says, putting a hand on Clarke's knee. "Stupid and dumb are actually the same thing. You don't have to say both things. " 

"Stupid. And. Dumb. " Clarke says and looks back at the pizza's. "Did you fucking take another piece of the pepperoni? " 

She shoots an evil glare at Lincoln as he downs the slice with some coke. 

They spend the rest of the night watching shitty TV-shows that Clarke's watched a million times. She ends up falling asleep on the couch and only wakes up when Abby comes home. 

"You're up? " She asks, sitting down next to Clarke. 

"Does it look like I'm up? " Clarke mumbles, shifting to sit up. 

"Now it does. Have you been alone all night? " 

"Octavia and Lincoln were here. Looks like they took the pizza with them, jerks. " 

"You should invite them over some more, Clarke. I'd really like to meet that Lincoln guy. " 

She says his name like it's some foreign language. 

"Octavia and Lincoln have been dating for over a year. You've met him like five times or something. " 

"Exactly! I don't even know the guy, " Abby says. 

"Jeez, mom. You don't have to know Octavia's boyfriend! You're not her mother, " Clarke says. But when Abby laughs and shakes her head she decides to give up. Her mom looks tired and like she just wants to go to bed, so she lets her. 

"Goodnight, sweetie. " 

Abby kisses the top of Clarke's forehead with a smile and leaves the room with a yawn and a stretch. 

Clarke does the same thing a few seconds later. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i accidentally posted the wrong chapter earlier today! i'm so sorry
> 
> ao3 switched them around somehow and yeah, hopefully it's okay now

When Clarke wakes up it's not from her alarm clock. It's from the sound of cabinets and drawers being opened and then slammed shut shortly after. 

Her mother has never been a quiet person, but this is ridiculous. 

With a loud groan she swings her legs over the edge of her bed, puts on a pair of loose shorts and a t-shirt (it's about a million degrees in her room, if she slept with pyjamas on she'd wake up in a puddle of sweat, no thank you). 

"What the hell, mom? " Clarke mumbles as she walks into the kitchen to find her mother running all over the place. 

"I thought I'd make breakfast but now I can't find the spatular to flip the pancakes and I think they're burning. " 

She has a phone squeezed between her eat and shoulder. 

"Here, " Clarke says and grabs the spatular from the top drawer under the stove. 

"Thanks sweetie. " Abby laughs a little. "No, not you. I was talking to my daughter. " 

She grabs the phone, letting Clarke flip the pancakes by herself. She's much better at it anyway. 

"Okay. Yeah, great. I'll be there in ten minutes. " Abby hangs up the phone and sighs a little. 

"You can go. I'll eat the pancakes by myself, it's fine. " 

"Thank you, sweetie. I'll be home around seven tonight, it's a long shift. See you later, love you! " 

"Bye! " 

Clarke throws out the burnt pancake her mom tried to make and then makes a few more. When she gets to five she puts the rest of the batter in the fridge and then eats the pancakes in front of the TV. 

There's nothing exiting on except for a "Good morning LA" program she hates. But since it's already on she might as well watch it. 

"Another attack has been made, another body has been found. It was found right here in LA near the highschool Tondc. The body has yet to be identified, but the police say it's most likely a student from the school. If you have seen or heard anything, please inform the police. " 

Clarke turns off the TV. She doesn't know why, she just does. It's too close, she thinks. These kind of things shouldn't be happing here. This is ridiculous. 

Her thoughts stops going when she hear the loud banging on her front door. 

"Clarke! Come on! " 

It's Octavia. What time is it? Shit, it's 7.50. 

"I'm sick, I'm not coming today! " Clarke says and follows it with a "very" convincing cough. 

"Shut up and get out here. We're going! " 

"Fuck you guys. I'll be out in five minutes. "

***

When Lexa turns on the TV she instantly sees the headline. She throws her remote across the room, it hits wall and splits into a million pieces. 

"God fucking damn it, Anya! " She yells. 

She gets up from the couch and walks into her room. She gets dressed, just the usual black jeans and loose tanktop. She puts her hair up in a ponytail and lets a few curls fall down in front of her face. 

She grabs her jacket, phone and keys and then she's out. 

After a minute or so she's at the edge of the forest, looking at the parking lot as it fills with tired students. Some of them are hugging each other, they've obviously seen the news. 

Lexa takes a few steps out of the forest, when suddenly she feels Anya's hand on her shoulder. 

"What now? " Lexa turns to face her. She looks even worse than yesterday. 

"Trying to clean up my mess? " Anya laughs. 

"As usual, Anya. Just leave me alone. " 

"Uh, are you mad? " 

"I'm furious, Anya. You killed a student! " 

Anya hisses at her, looking around them as more and more people either drive or walk to the entrance of the school. 

"Don't wanna ruin our little secret. " She laughs. 

"Is all of this just another fucking joke? " Lexa can how her whole body is stiff. She could breaks through concrete right now if she just punched hard enough. 

"It was a student, yes. But he was all messed up from drugs. He was nowhere near alive if you really think about it. " 

"Was his heart beating? Was his blood running through his veins? I'd say he was alive. " 

Lexa turns away from Anya and pushes off her hand when she tries to stop her again. 

Lexa keeps going until she can hear the whoosh of air behind her, Anya's gone. A few people stare at Lexa as she walks past them, the school is so tiny everybody knows everybody. 

She remembers once trying to start a life here. She tried to go to school and make friends, but it's not like in the movies. Lexa's not the interesting, mysterious girl with a dark past who everybody either wants to be or be with. 

She got bullied and people hated her, they all thought she was a drug addict because she spend so much time with Anya (who was a drug addict so that makes sense). 

In the end she left. Made sure not to come back until 65 years later where everybody had forgotten about her. She's been in this town for a couple of years now. 

She turns a right down one of the main hallways, it's packed with students. Most of them in this part of the school are seniors. They're about 17-18 but they look either much younger or much older. 

Lexa looks much older, she always has. 

Anya says it's her long neck, but Lexa says that's bullshit. 

"Can I help you with anything? " An elderly lady asks, she must be teacher. 

"Uhm, yeah. " Lexa gets close to the lady and focuses on her eyes. She can see how every time she blinks, her pupil changes a little in size. She keeps the eye contact, doesn't even breathe. 

"Tel me everything you know about the kid they found dead here. " Lexa's voice is monotone. 

"They found him behind a dumpster outside. His name was Wells Jaha. He was a senior. None of the students know it's him. They say it's an animal attack but everybody knows it's something more. They say they found marking around his wrist and neck, like in the movies. Some of the students here think it's a monster, a creature, who's doing all of the killings. They say it's faster than humanly possible, since it's traveling from New York to LA in just a day. "

"Okay, thank you. Forget I was here. " 

Lexa looks away, the lady looks confused and baffled by suddenly be standing in the hallway. Lexa turns away and suddenly she feels the sinking feeling of something in her stomach. 

"Also, I can not believe you guys took the pizza with you last night! " 

It's the voice. Lexa looks around her as a few people clear the room to get to class. 

"I have art class now. I'll meet you guys in math, bye. " 

Lexa follows the voice down the hall, she can hear her breathing. She pushes past a few students and then, she sees her. 

She's blond and her face is round. Her lips are thin, the bottom one sucked in as she goes through her locker. She's wearing black jeans, a white t-shirt and a short, blue jacket. She's fiddling with something in her locker, a folder filled with paper falls out and they skatter all over the floor. 

"For fuck sake, " The girl says as she falls to the floor, starting to pick them up. 

Lexa walks closer, grabbing a few sheets as she goes. She looks at the ones on the floor, they're drawings. Then she looks at the ones in her hands. 

"Excuse me. You're kind of standing on my drawing. " 

Lexa looks down and then takes a quick step away. She tries to from the word "sorry" but nothing happens. 

"Can I- " 

"Here. " Lexa hands her drawings she has in her hands, a bit of black ink smears into her thumb and she wipes it off on her jeans. 

She then drops to the floor when she realizes that there are at least twenty other pieces of paper on the floor and help getting them all. She reaches over and gives the pile to Clarke, noting down how blue her eyes are. 

"Thank you, kind stranger. " 

"Lexa. " 

"Huh? " 

"Uhm, my name. It's Lexa. " She doesn't know why she tells her. 

"Oh, cool. I'm Clarke. With an 'e'. " Clarke with an 'e' reaches out her hand and almost drops the pile of drawings. Lexa quickly gets grip on the pile and then shakes her hand. She gets the folder that's on the floor, opens it and puts the papers in it. She closes it and gives it to Clarke. 

"Thank you, Lexa. " Clarke smiles and grabs a few books from her locker. "Are you a student here or? " 

"Oh, no. I just... I came because, uhm. "

"I don't need to know, it's okay. " Clarke laughs and closes her locker. "I need to go to class, sorry. But thank you again! " 

She leaves and Lexa does everything she can not to enjoy watching Clarke walk away. 

***

The school days normally go by quickly. Normally. 

Today she has two extra classes that she has to take otherwise Miss Indra won't let her take the end-of-year test in history. 

So as the clock strikes 3 pm she's still sitting on her ass on a uncomfortable chair, looking out the window. She likes the classroom, at least. It's got the perfect of the forest with all the brown and red leaves. 

Then she sees something else than the pretty trees. She sees the girl, Lexa, and another girl. She looks older and meaner. They're standing near the edge of the forest, only one row of trees in front of them. They're talking, discussing, something. 

"Griffin! " A books smacks down on the table in front of her. "You could at least try to pretend you want to be here. " 

Indra's voice is strained and tired, she must've had a long day too. 

"Yup, " Clarke says and then looks out the window again. They're gone. This is some horror-movie shit right here, she thinks as she puts her focus back on the class. 

***

Lexa feels her hands shaking the whole time she walks out of the school. She stay near the forest for a while. She knows Anya's nearby, she can smell the blood from her latest victim from where she's standing. 

"You're such a dick, Anya. " 

After a few seconds Anya comes out from wherever she was hiding. 

"You're really in a bit of a mood today, Lex. " She wipes her mouth from the exces blood and turns to look at the school. A buy, probably a senior, walks out from behind a half wall. He has blood on his shirt and an empty look in his eyes. 

"You are literally doing everything you're not supposed to. " 

"Oh shut up, Lex. I'm doing what I need to do to survive. " 

"You're killing people! Taking their blood and making them forget. You're hurting them and there's not a single reason- " 

"You seriously need to get over yourself! You killed someone in a rush, okay? You can't change it now, can you? You're literally going to live forever so how about you start living? " 

Lexa grabs Anya's throat, digging her nails into her skin. She runs, dragging her along, into the forst and only stops when she hits tree with Anya's body. 

Anya twists and turns and kicks Lexa away from her. Lexa falls to the ground, but gets up with a super speed. 

"Don't forget who's been living off human blood for the past hundred years, dummy. I could kill you with a twist of a hand. " She snaps her fingers. "Just like that. " 

"Then do it. " Lexa brushes off some dirt from her jeans. 

"What? " Anya asks. 

"You've been threatening to kill ever since I was turned. At some point you should at least try, you know. Your threats have kind of lost their power. "

But before Lexa even gets to look back up at Anya, she's on the ground with a foot on her throat, Anya's boot is pressing her down to the ground. 

"Have I taught you nothing? " She laughs and only stops pressing when Lexa's neck snaps. "Sleep well, Lex. " 

***

"Wanna go to Nightblood Café? " Lincoln asks. 

Clarke shakes her head, focused on something else. 

"Not today, sorry. Indra's forcing me to do this assignment and I should probably at least try. " Clarke laughs as waves goodbye to Lincoln and Octavia as they drive away. She waits until most of the people are gone from the parking lot, then she walks with determined steps towards the forest. 

She has no idea why she does it, she just feels like she has to. Like ever since she met that girl, Lexa, she should meet her again. 

She keeps walking deeper and deeper into the forest. The trees are getting closer and closer together. She remembers going on bike rides with her father when she was younger, they would bike through the forest, up and down the slopes. 

She has a scar on her right elbow from when she had her first crash. Abby had cleaned it and put on a bandaid when they got home. 

"Shit, " Clarke says when she sees the girl lying on the ground. She's spread out, dirt everywhere. Her head is twisting in a weird direction. 

"Hey, hey! Please, wake up. Oh my God, please! " She says over and over again, not even realising she's on her knees. She takes the girl's hand, Lexa's hand, and holds it tight. It's already cold. 

"Please don't be dead, " She says. She's about to take her phone when the girl suddenly starts coughing. 

***

Her lungs hurt, like someone's stepped on them until they were flat. Her neck is sore and she instantly knows what Anya did. 

"Hey, it's okay. Easy, you look like you really hurt yourself. Maybe you shouldn't be moving around so much. " 

Lexa almost jumps when she hears the voice. Then she notices the girl, Clarke, holding her hand. She stares at it for too long, Clarke lets go of her hand and starts to look awkward. 

"Do you remember what happened? " She asks. 

"Uhm, no. Well, yeah. I was just walking and, uhm, I think I passed out or something. " Lexa's never been good at lying and she can instantly see that Clarke doesn't buy it. 

"Sure? " She asks, giving a concerned smile. 

"Yeah, pretty sure. " Lexa sits up, leaning against a tree behind her. 

"Are you hurt? Your neck... It looked like something had, I don't know, squeezed it or something. " 

"I'm fine, yeah. Thank you. " Lexa didn't mean to be rude, but it's easier. 

"Oh, okay. " Clarke gets up from the ground and brushes off some dirt and leaves from her knees. 

"I should get going, " Lexa says and pushes herself up from the tree, scratching a bit of bark as she does. 

"I don't think you should be walking home alone. " 

"What? "

"Well, you just passed out in the forest. Let me at least follow you home. Please, I won't be sleeping tonight if I don't know you're home safely, " Clarke says and she laughs little at the end. 

"I live far away. It will take hours. Please, I'm fine. Really. " 

"I live five minutes from here. I can drive you home then. I won't take no for an answer. " 

Clarke crosses her arms and sucks in her bottom lip, just like she did when Lexa first saw her by her locker. 

"You're really stubborn, Clarke. " Lexa smiles and starts walking, ignoring how Clarke's cheeks flush when she mentions her name. 

***

"I'll just write a note for my mom, okay. " Clarke says as she unlocks and steps in through the front door. 

Lexa waits outside, she doesn't really have a choice. 

"You can come and wait in the kitchen, you know. " Clarke laughs as she runs back and forth from her kitchen and her mother's office. 

"Oh, it's fine. I'll just wait here. " 

Lexa doesn't really know who made the stupid rule of vampires being have to be invited into her house before being able to get in. It was probably some bitchy witches who thought it'd be a great idea. 

"Seriously, you're so weird. " Clarke laughs as she gets her keys and locks the door after her. "It's the white one, here. " She points at the tiny, white car in the driveway. It's the only one there so Lexa had already guessed it was that one. 

"You can turn left here, " Lexa says after they've been driving for about thirty minutes. It normally takes her thirty minutes if she just runs.

"So, Lexa who just suddenly's at my school and then passes out in the forest, tell me a bit about yourself. " 

"There's nothing to say. I just walk around at highschools and then pass out in forests around in LA. It's great. " 

Lexa ignores the way her stomach bubbles when Clarke laughs. She also ignores the way a laugh is forcing its way up her throat when Clarke whispers swear words to herself whenever the road rage within her comes out. 

"Are you in highschool too? " 

"No. " Lexa answers. 

"Oh, okay. You look older anyway, so that makes sense. " She makes a left and then a right when Lexa tells her to. They wait for the light to turn green. 

"Have you been living here for a long time? " Clarke asks suddenly when it's been quiet for too long. 

"A couple of years, yeah. " 

"With your parents? " 

"No. They, uhm, I never really knew them. "

"Okay. I live with my mom. " Clarke doesn't know why she tells her that. She bites her bottom lip until she can't take it anymore. 

"What about your dad? " Lexa asks. 

"He died a long time ago. He was a police officer. "

"That sucks, " Lexa says. 

"It does. " 

They drive the rest of the way in silence. It's not until they're standing outside Lexa's house that Clarke decides to say something again. 

"I don't believe that you just passed out, Lexa. Your neck was twisted and you weren't breathing. " 

Lexa doesn't know what to say. She just nods a few times until Clarke turns around and drives away. When Lexa closes the big, wooden door behind her she falls against it, breathing deeply. Her hands are sweaty and her heart is beating so fast it hurts.

She's going to kill Anya. 

If should could.


	3. Chapter 3

Lexa feels empty when she wakes up the next morning. She's not hungry, that's new. She's not tired or anything. She's just... Empty. 

What happened yesterday was stupid. She was so blocked by Clarke's sweet voice and her pretty hair that she didn't realize how risky it all was. 

"It's not risky. It's good. "

That's what Anya'd say. And then she'd probably laugh and smile and go kill someone. 

God, Lexa's angry with her right now. 

She needs to blow off some steam, she has to. She can feel her own blood pumping through her veins, doing nothing to keep her alive. Somebody should probably tell her organs that she's dead. Maybe somebody should tell her she's dead. 

"Great, you're up. " 

Anya kicks open the freezer and looks for something good in it. She picks up a few blood bags and then digs down to the bottom one. 

When she finds the ones she's looking for she shuts the freezer door and then jump down on the couch. She opens the bag from the little hole and empties it within seconds. 

"You disgust me. " 

"And good morning to you too, sunshine. " Anya laughs. 

"No, honestly. Anya I'm sick and tired of you doing this. I love you, you know that. But I hate that you do this. You leave for months and then you come back and pretend like everything's okay. You pretend like you didn't go on a rampage in Spain and kill 60 people. You pretend like you didn't just drink a bag of blood that somebody else could've used for medical reasons. You pretend like just because you're powerful and strong, that it's okay to do all of these things. I hate this so much and you don't even think about how horrible it is for me. " 

Lexa's not looking at her when she says all of these things. She thinks that if she looked at Anya she wouldn't be able to do it. 

"I want you in my life, okay? I want to have you around, but I can't do this if you're going to keep killing humans and drinking their blood like it's a free-refill-station at McDonalds. " 

Anya laughs a little, but Lexa can tell she's hurt. 

"I won't change. " Anya whispers. 

"Then I can't have you here anymore. " 

"Does 'here' mean in you life? " 

Lexa takes a deep breath. 

"It does. " 

The next thing Lexa hears is the sound of the freezer opening. She spins on the back of her heel to look at what Anya's doing. She's taking every single bag of human blood Lexa's ever gotten for her, in the hopes of her stopping with the killing. She opens them and then throws them around the room, letting the blood splatter onto Lexa's walls. 

"What the fuck are you doing! " Lexa yells. 

"I'm making you realize what you are. You're not just some pet, Lex. You're a real fucking vampire. Act like one! " 

Anya keeps throwing the bags around the room, painting the dark wood an even darker color. Letting the blood soak into the fine lines of the wooden floor and walls. 

"Anya. Stop. " Lexa's voice is forced. She tries to get the bags from Anya but she's much faster than her. She runs to every spot where's no blood. Lexa can't even touch it. 

"You're so fucking weak, Lexa. Get your shit together! " She screams and throws a bag, hitting Lexa's stomach. The blood drips down Lexa's body slowly. She feels sick. 

"LEAVE ME! " Lexa screams and Anya just laughs before the familiar whoosh comes and then she's gone. 

Lexa falls to her knees. She's crying, something she hasn't done in a long time. It feels odd and painful in her throat. Like it's not something she should be doing. 

Her whole house smells like iron, like blood. It pains her jaw and head just thinking about it. She runs out, leaving the front door open behind her. She has to get out of there. She has to get out of her clothes. 

It hurts too much to think about it. She can feel it, the memories. They're coming back, the nightmares. 

"Lexa? " 

***

Clarke can't believe what she's seeing. 

She's seeing the strange girl who helped her clean up her drawings in her school hallway, the girl who didn't know what to answer when Clarke asked her why she was there, the girl who had passed out in the forest (who looked stone-dead in the forest), the girl who wouldn't want to come into her home even when she asked her to, the girl who lives in a cottage alone in the woods, the girl who is now standing about ten feet away from her, drenched in blood and with a pained look on her face. 

And Clarke can't help but to run towards her. She grabs her by her shoulders, looking her up and down. Her shirt is soaked with the red liquid, dripping down her legs and onto her bear feet. And only now Clarke sees she's crying. 

She's trying to hide it though, she's doing a very bad job at it. 

"Are you hurt? What happened? Is somebody after you? " Clarke doesn't know what she wants to know first. 

Lexa just shakes her head over and over again, her whole body shaking with every movement. 

"Lexa, please. Tell me what happened! " 

But Lexa doesn't do anything. She can't do anything. Clarke thinks she's in shock, she must be. 

"I'm calling the cops, okay? They'll be here soon- " 

"No! " Lexa yells, grabbing Clarke's phone out of her hand and throwing it to the ground. 

"Geez, Lexa. Talk to me, then. Please! " Clarke lets her hand follow down Lexa's arms and over her elbows to her hands. She holds them, even though they're sticky with blood, even though they're freezing cold like they were yesterday. 

"I just... I... I cut myself. " 

"What? In your stomach? " Clarke asks and she's almost about to lift up Lexa's shirt to see but stops when Lexa steps forward. 

"What are you doing? " Clarke asks. 

***

Lexa hates herself. She hates this. 

But she has to do it. There's not other way out of this. 

"Clarke, look at me. " Her voice is much calmer now. She's forcing her breathing to be slow and collected. Taking in one breath at a time. 

"Forget that I was ever here. You were doing your thing, walking through the woods to get some fresh air and- " 

"What? What are you doing? Lexa, please. Let me call the police or the hospital or something. " 

Lexa blinks a few times, trying to calm herself down even more. Maybe she's just too upset, to distracted my the strong scent of blood around her, to do this right. 

"Clarke. Forget everything about the past ten minutes. This never happened. I was never here. " 

"I can't just forget! What are you doing? Lexa, for the love of GOD! Let me phone the police! Or my mom, someone please! " 

Lexa drags her hands to herself when it doesn't work the second time. 

"I'm calling my mom, okay? " Clarke says it in a no-questions-asked kind of way. She keeps her eyes on Lexa as she walks to where Lexa threw her phone, it's not broken. Luckily. 

She rings up her mother who picks up after a few tones. 

"Mom? Yeah, are you home? " 

Lexa can't believe what's happening. Why is Clarke not running away? Lexa is pretty much a complete stranger AND she's soaked in blood, some stranger's blood. Then again, she doesn't know it's not HER blood. 

"I'm fine, yeah. Look. I'm in the forest with this... Girl. Her name is Lexa. She has blood everywhere but I don't think she's hurt. I think she's in shock or something. She's acting really weird. I'm gonna drive her back to our place and then maybe you can help us or something? She's not letting me phone the police. " 

Lexa looks at the phone in Clarke's hand. She focuses on the person in the other end of the call. The woman's voice is confused but understanding, much like Clarke's. 

"Great, yeah. Love you, bye. " 

Clarke lets her phone drop back into the pocket of her jeans. She then takes a deep breath and grabs Lexa's arm gently, letting Lexa pull away if she wanted to. 

"Okay. Listen, Lexa. I'm going to drive you back home with me, okay? My mom is a doctor and she'll help you, help us, figure everything out. But first I need to ask you if you're in pain at this moment. Are you bleeding? " 

Lexa shakes her head and looks down. She feels embarrassed by the whole situation. This is a whole new sense of not being in control. 

And she's hating every bit of it. 

***

"Mom? " Clarke calls as soon as she enters her house. Lexa's still standing outside, her hands are folded neatly behind her back and she's trying to lift her head from the ground, but she's failing miserably. 

"Hey, " Abby says and kisses Clarke on both cheeks before letting her eyes fall on the girl standing outside their front door. 

"Is she just going to stay there? " Abby says with a smile, obviously trying to pretend like she's not shocked about the amount of blood on Lexa's clothes. 

"I don't know. Lexa? " Clarke asks. 

"Can I... Can I come in? " She asks and feels more and more stupid with every word. It's such a dumb rule. 

"Of course, Lexa. Come in, " Abby says and nods towards the open kitchen-living room area at the end of the entrance hall. The staircase is in front of the front door and up against the wall on the right. Then there's a bathroom to the left of the front door. 

"Thank you, " Lexa says, letting her eyes fall on every picture and painting that's hanging around the walls, filling them up nicely. 

"So, Clarke. Can you maybe find some clothes for Lexa to wear? She's looking a bit... Spotty. " Abby smiles. She has that 'doctor' feel about her, Lexa notices it instantly. She hasn't been to a lot of doctors ever since she was turned, but when she was still human she visited a lot of psychologists and the all talked in the same forced calm way Abby does. 

"Okay, Lexa. Are you hurt? " 

Lexa shakes her head, looking away from Abby's dark eyes. 

"Do you remember what happened? " Abby then asks. 

Lexa can hear Clarke stopping on her way down the staircase, waiting for Lexa to answer. Lexa can also hear Abby's heart beating slowly, she's calm. Or as calm as one can be when a stranger drenched in blood walks into your house. 

"I... I don't remember, no. " 

Lexa can then hear the puff of air Clarke blows out, laughing at Lexa's lie. 

"I already asked her all of that, mom. She's in shock or something. Can we please call the police, Lexa? " Clarke asks, placing a pair of loose sweatpants and a big t-shirt on the kitchen table in front of Lexa. 

"I'm sorry... " Lexa mumbles. 

She makes a plan as she gets out to the bathroom to change her clothes. She waits until she's stronger, it'll only take an hour or so, and then she makes them forget everything that happened. It'll be hard because it's two people she has to "brainwash", as Anya calls it, but she'll be fine. 

Then she'll go back home and clean everything up. 

She can hear the sound of numbers being dialed on a phone. So she leaves her clothes in the bathroom sink, she tried to get the blood off but she might as well just throw it all out. When she clears her throat Clarke looks at her and places her phone on the counter. 

"You're fast, " She says. 

"Did you call the police? " Lexa asks.

"I didn't. " 

She's not lying. She can hear her heartbeat and it's slow, slower than Abby's. 

"I'll make some tea and then we'll all talk about what we'll do, okay? " Abby smiles and starts making the tea. 

"Lets go up to my room, Lexa. "

"Clarke. " 

"It's fine, mom. If she's a serial killer she'd probably had killed us already. " 

Abby laughs shortly and then lets the girl walk up the stairs in piece. 

***

"Your mom is very nice, " Lexa says and regrets it instantly. Clarke's gone from concerned to annoyed. 

"Yeah, she is. Love her to death, blah blah blah. Tell me what happened, Lexa. Tell me why I one day find you dead in a forest and the next day drenched in blood. " 

Lexa lets go of the little figure she's holding, she places it on Clarke's dresser which is across the room from her bed. 

"Are you a part of some cult? " 

"Yes, Clarke. I'm a part of this cult that likes to bathe in blood and die in a forest sometimes. " 

"You're sick. " Clarke laughs a stressed laugh. She lets her fingers go through her hair before falling to her bed. It squeaks beneath her weight until it stops bouncing. 

"I'm sorry. About all of this. " 

"Don't be. Unless it's actually you who poured blood all over yourself, then you can't help not remembering anything. It's okay. " 

Lexa sits down on the bed, as far away from Clarke as possible. 

"You look tired, " Lexa says and she doesn't expect Clarke to laugh.

"When you find a girl dead in a forest and then she suddenly just wakes up you don't get a lot of sleep, " She says. 

"I'm sorry, " Lexa says again, because she is.

They don't talk. Not until Abby calls them down for the tea, they all sit around the dining table, which is placed behind the couch and next to the small kitchen island. 

"So, " Abby says. "What's your full name, Lexa? " 

"Lexa Woods. Alexandria Woods, actually. But no one calls me that. " 

Clarke smiles a little, she doesn't know why. But she can't help but think that Alexandria suits Lexa in a special way, like the name is just perfect for her. 

"That's a very pretty name. " Abby smiles. 

"Thank you. "

Lexa feels how her head is getting better, for a while she felt like the smell of the blood was stuck on her. Like no matter what she did she could always feel it pushing her in the back of her head. 

"Clarke said you live in a cottage in the woods by yourself. If you don't mind me asking, where're your parents? " 

"I don't know them, sorry. I was in foster care for most of my childhood. " 

Lexa's gotten used to telling that lie. 

In reality she grew up with her dad, or a man who called himself her dad. He treated her like shit. When she turned 19 she finally got out of all of it.

"I'm sorry to hear that, " Abby says, mixing some sugar with her steaming tea. 

Lexa just smiles politely like always. 

"Now, I have to ask again. " Abby shifts in her seat. "Is there anything you remember? At all? " 

Lexa takes a deep breath and relaxes completely. If she's going to change Abby and Clarke's memories about today, she has to do it now. The longer she waits the more things she has to make them forget. 

"Clarke, I think I left my phone in your car. Can you go get it? Maybe it'll help me remember something. I think I was texting one of my friends. " 

Clarke doesn't look like someone who believes one bit of what Lexa's telling her. But Abby smiles happily and nods for Clarke to do as Lexa told her. 

Clarke gets up from her seat with a loud sigh and then leaves the room, closing the front door after her. 

"That's a good idea- " 

"Look at me, please. " Lexa begins. "Take a sip of your tea, Abby. " 

Lexa needs to make sure she's able to do it before she even tries. She doesn't need Abby to feel even more weird about Lexa than she probably already does. 

Abby stops smiling and takes a sip of her tea. Lexa lets out a relieved sigh. 

"Okay, listen to me. Forget I was ever here. You've had a long and hard day and when you got home you just relaxed. Clarke came home about an hour ago, she was happy to see you. You spent the rest of the day talking and you watched some TV. Forget I was ever here, forget everything Clarke told you about me today. " 

When Lexa leans back in her chair, Abby sits with a blanc expression for a little while until she turns to the TV area, sits down in the couch and starts flicking through her channels. 

Lexa cleans her mug and places it on the counter. 

She walks out the house right when Clarke's about to go inside. 

"What are you doing? " She asks. 

"Look at me, " Lexa says. "Forget I was here, Clarke. You went home after you took a relaxing walk in the forest and you spend the rest of the day watching TV and talking to your mom. You're so happy to see her. " 

When Lexa breaks the intense eye contact Clarke just turns and walks inside. Lexa closes the door behind her. Her hands are shaking and her head hurts slightly. 

She hates doing that so much.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexa runs home, she's standing outside her front door within minutes. She's out of breath - something she never is. 

"Shit, " She says to herself as she steps inside her home. The blood is dried and sticky under her feet. Everything looks like something taken out of a horror movie. There's blood on the walls and floor, of course. But even her couch, kitchen counters and everything in between is soaked. 

She can feel a slight tingly feeling in the tips of her fingers, her head starts buzzing and her chest hurts. 

"No... " She whispers to herself.

She bites down on her lip, hard. Feeling the warm blood fill her mouth. 

"I didn't know if you'd come back, " Anya says. 

Lexa turns. She's standing in the doorway, a couple of feet from Lexa. 

"I told you to leave me alone. " Lexa mutters to the floor. 

"I came to say sorry, kiddo. " Anya takes a few steps forward, still keeping a safe distant from Lexa. "I know how hard it is to get blood out of wood, so I found some people who'd just love to clean everything up. " 

A few people, all of them have a blanc expression on their face, walk through the front door and start cleaning everything. A lady pours cold water on the floor and Lexa sees how it paints pink instantly as the blood dissolves and lets go of the wood. 

"You're very welcome, Lex. " 

"I want you to leave, Anya. " 

"Oh, you're still mad? " 

"You're a murderer and you're pushing me to become one too. "

"Still on about that, huh? Well. I've changed my mind. It's okay if you drink animal blood. " 

Lexa can't believe her ears, the fact that Anya doesn't understand the problem makes her want to laugh and rip Anya's head off at the same time. 

"Do you still have my number? " Lexa asks her. 

"Of course I do. " 

"Delete it. " 

Anya laughs and gives Lexa a few friendly pads on the shoulder. 

"Look, I get why you're mad, okay? I'm not an idiot. But remember who saved your life, what, 70 years ago? " 

Lexa can't keep calm anymore, she's fuming. She can feel her useless heartbeat in her throat. 

She grabs Anya by her neck, squeezing her fingers into it and almost enjoys the way Anya's face twists in pain. 

She pushes out through the front door, down the steps and deeper into the woods. Anya kicks her hard on the thigh, but she ignores the quick rush of pain. 

Lexa grabs a stick from the tree next to them and rips it off. With a quick movement she then pushes into Anya's stomach and lets her fall to the ground. 

"Cheap move, kid. " Anya coughs as she pulls it out. 

"You might've saved me from a very horrible man, Anya. But what you did to me is not a "gift" or a "second chance". " 

Anya turns from her side to her back to look at Lexa. 

"I was dying and you decided to turn me. You did it because you're so fucking lonely and so fucking sad, that you had to do SOMETHING to make a friend and the only way you could make a friend is to pretend like you're saving them. What you did to me didn't save me, Anya. What you did let me die slowly. Every day I die. Every time I feel the hunger, every time I hear somebody's heartbeat from a mile away... Every time I think about the night I killed her- " 

"Say her name, Lex. " Anya laughs pathetically. 

"The night I killed Costia! The love of my life. The one person who loved me no matter what! You made me into something that did that. " 

"You're blaming me for something you did? " 

"I am blaming you for not letting me die when it was my time! " 

Lexa pushes down on the wound in Anya's stomach with her foot. 

"Sucks, doesn't it? " Lexa says. 

"You're not... Going to kill me, Lex. " Anya spits, fighting for air. 

"No, I'm not. But I want you to leave me alone. You've done it before, you can do it again. I want you to run until you can't anymore, flea like the little coward and idiot you are. Pretend like your life is better without me in it, like what you're doing, killing people, is okay and fun and a good thing. I am sick and tired of doing this, cleaning up after you and then feel bad about it. You've ruined my life. You've ruined my death. I've been playing pretend for too long, it's time for me to do something about this. "

Lexa gives one last push with her foot and then lets go. 

"Get the fuck out of my sight, Anya. " 

Lexa spits out the words and waits for Anya's smart comeback.

But she doesn't say anything. She fights her way up from the ground, supporting herself against a tree. She nods for a short while and then runs, leaving the ground spotted with her blood. Lexa kicks the dirt around for little while to hide it and then turns to get back to her house. 

***

"Clarke? " 

"Yeah, mom? " 

"Are you doing anything tonight? " 

"It's Saturday, mom. Of course I'm not. " 

Abby laughs little and changes the channel as Clarke comes walking down the stairs. 

"It's been such a lovely day, Clarke. "

"What've you been up to? " Clarke asks, going through their fridge to find something interesting. It's almost eight at night, maybe she should be thinking about making dinner. 

"We've been watching TV ever since you came home. I'm so happy to see you, " Abby says with a slightly monotone voice, like she's reading it up from something. 

"What are you... " Clarke doesn't know how to finish her sentence. She opts for an apple and some leftovers from her mom's lunch a few days ago. 

"Do you want to do something tonight? " Abby asks, but then her phone rings and Clarke can tell it's the hospital by the way her mom gets up from the couch and walks into her office. 

Clarke sits down on her bed and eats her food. She can't eat up, that's new. 

When she eventually gives up she puts the plate on her desk and then lies down. She feels ill, her head hurts like too much has been cramped into it too fast. She doesn't understand anything. At all. 

Lexa was bleeding, or she wasn't. She just had blood all over her shirt. And then she suddenly she just talked to her in this weird way in the forest, like she was trying to force Clarke to... To... She doesn't even know. 

Her mom is acting weird, like she's just suppressed everything that's happened today. Maybe Lexa did something to her? But what? What could a teenage girl do to make her mother, an adult, forget about her. 

Clarke doens't understand anything. 

Her phone starts ringing, it's on the floor. 

"Hello? " She says as normal as possible. 

"Hey. " It's Bellamy. 

"Oh, hi. Uhm, what's up? " 

"We just haven't talked since yesterday and I- " 

"You know what? I'm not feeling too great right now. I'll call you back later, bye. " 

"Clar- " 

She hangs up and lets her phone fall to the ground. 

She jumps across the room to her desk, finds a piece of paper and a pen and starts writing everything down. 

Lexa, blood, dead (not actually dead?), brainwash (or something like that), orphan. 

She stops there, realizing she doesn't actually know a lot of things about this girl. 

She also realizes that just by looking at the first three words of what's written, she had an idea of what's going on. Then she remembers that this is real life and there's nothing real about zombies. 

Zombies don't exsist. 

Get your head out of you ass, Clarke, she thinks to herself as she throws the paper in the bin.

***

Clarke doesn't feel awake when she wakes up a few days later. It's Monday, she's tired and annoyed, everything is the usual. 

Abby left early this morning, she's been acting a bit strange lately but it all makes sense. She must be upset about the whole thing with Lexa. Clarke is. 

She doesn't understand what happened, she spent her entire Sunday googling and searching for an answer but all that came up was stupid conspiracy theories and she's not going to listen and believe those yet. 

She needs to realize that this is real life and whatever insane, mysterious creatures she's found pictures off... None of them are real, they're all made up to freak people like her out. 

She's been trying to relive the days with Lexa over and over again. Thinking about every little breath she took those days, trying to wrap her brain around what the hell is up with that girl. 

But nothing makes sense. She doesn't understand why Lexa told her to forget and why she suddenly said that Clarke had spent the day watching TV with her mom. 

It was like, if Lexa had told her enough times or just believed it enough, that she'd make Clarke believe her. 

Clarke has also googled brainwashing, compelling and other things like that. Again, all she found was TV-shows, movies or theories little thirteen year old girls have written in the hopes of them finding their "Edward". 

"You're so quiet, " Octavia says when they all get out of Lincoln's car. 

"I'm tired. " 

"Bellamy said you hung up on him when he called you this weekend. He was going to drive to see you, but I said that you needed some time alone or something. "

"You did not say that, O'. Seriously? " 

Clarke puts her hair up on a loose ponytail and pushes her pair of fake glasses up on the bridge of her nose. 

"What else should I've told him? 'Yeah, sure bro. Go see her, tell her you love her! It's a great idea!' You're not really giving me anything to go off of, Clarke. " 

Lincoln grabs Octavia's hand when she starts talking too loud, she looks around and sees how a few people are staring and whispering. 

"I hate them. " Octavia kicks the ground and they all, her, Lincoln and Clarke, walk inside the school building and find their locker. 

"I like him, it's not that. I'm just... Busy. " Clarke is normally a pretty good liar, but when it comes to lying about... Whatever happened this weekend. She's out of ideas. 

"Don't tell me. Tell him, " Octavia says and nods towards Bellamy, who's now waving and smiling from the other end of the hallway. He finishes his conversation with whoever it was he was talking to and then runs over to them. 

"Hey, " He says, tugging at the end of Clarke's sleeve. 

"We'll get going. We have class and we need the good seats. " 

Octavia and Lincoln leave as Clarke sends a couple of her best 'I will murder you' looks to Octavia. 

"Uhm, hi. " Clarke smiles as she picks at a loose sticker on her locker door. 

"So... Why are you hating me? " Bellamy asks. His voice is concerned but also goofy, like he's trying to make a joke out of it. He's so bad at this kind of stuff. 

So is Clarke, to be honest. She feels awful. 

"I'm not, you know that. I... It's just been a while since I've been, uhm, doing this and I guess I just need to learn how to balance everything. " 

"Ah, " Bellamy says, believing every bit of Clarke's lie. 

"And I know I've been doing an awful job. I'll do better. I promise. " Clarke smiles and stops picking the sticker to lock eyes with Bellamy. He has that goofy grin smacked on his face that makes her stomach crumble. 

"You're amazing, Griffin. Let's skip class, please. " He laughs. 

"I can't. I have history and I need- " 

"You need to pass, yeah. It's okay. Let's meet up after school, then. When are you off? " Bellamy waves to a couple of people down the hall, behind Clarke. She can hear the giggles of the younger girls. 

"Actually... I'm doing something with my mom after school. Tomorrow? " 

"We'll watch a movie or something. My place. " 

"My place, " Clarke says with a smirk. 

"Is you mom home? " He whispers. 

"She is. Now get out of here, I'm getting late for class. "

"Booooring, " He calls after her, laughing. 

Clarke hates the fact that it's so easy lying to him. 

She also hates that she's not actually doing something with her mom. She just has to find Lexa. 

***

Lexa hasn't slept at all. She got about 20 minutes of peace last night, but then the people she tried to compel came back and started cleaning again. Anya must've forced them to keep cleaning until everything was spotless, because they don't leave until Lexa spends all of her energy to compel them to leave and never come back. 

Her house is pretty much clean anyway, so it's fine. She can't smell the blood anymore, she can't actually smell anything but the cleaning supplies. 

She spends the morning looking for food in the forest. She's lucky today. She finds a couple of rabbits and squirrels and on her way back home she spots a family of deers. She gets the little one, they're easier to catch. She doesn't kill it, she not that horrible. 

It's easier for the bigger animals to heal and be fine again after having half their blood sucked out of them. 

Everything that happened last weekend is still replaying itself over and over again in her head. She feels sick to her stomach for some reason. 

She hates that she had to change Clarke and her mother's memories. 

She also hates that she didn't make Clarke forget about her, she should have. It all would've been a lot easier that way.

But now she's sitting in her couch in front of the massive bookshelf, which is filled with books she's never read. She just feels like she should have a bookshelf, every other vampire she's met have one. 

There's a knock on her door, just one. Lexa gets up and walks with fast steps to it. She can hear the breathing of a nervous person outside, it's the sweet smell she instantly recognizes. 

"Clarke, " She says as soon as she opens the door. Clarke looks at her in surprise.

"Lexa. " 

"Everything okay? " Lexa asks. She has to pretend everything that happened in the weekend didn't happen. 

"No, of course it's not. " Clarke pushes past her and stops when she gets a weft of the smell of soap. 

"Oh, uhm. I tired a new brand of soap and- " 

"I don't care, Lexa. " Clarke turns to look at her. "I have been trying to find a reasonable explanation to what happened in the forest two days ago. I've been googling and reading and I've watched shitty documentaries about shitty conspiracy theories and nothing makes sense because they all tell some bullshit! I am tired of this and I want you tell me exactly what the hell is wrong with you. "

"Wait, " Lexa says, wrinkling her brows, trying to understand everything. "You remember? " 

"What... Of course I do! I was there. My mom was there too but she seems to be ignoring the fact that I had to clean up bloody clothes from our guest bathroom, thank you very much for that by the way. " 

"Clarke, look at me. " Clarke does as she's told, though with the same angry expression that makes a vein in her forehead pop. "Clap your hands together, " Lexa says, keeping eye contact with her.

"Are you braindead or something? " Clarke laughs, though with the least funny tone ever. 

Lexa doesn't know what to say. She's never tried this before, never in her 70 years of being a vampire has she ever experienced not being able to compel someone. Then again, she doesn't do it vey often. 

"Hello? " Clarke says, waving her hands in front of Lexa's face angrily. 

"Clarke... I, " Lexa says, taking in a deep breath. "Im sorry, but I can't tell you anything. " 

"You are such a liar, Lexa. " Clarke laughs - it's still not a real laugh. Lexa knows she doesn't deserve to feel the shift in her stomach that comes when Clarke laughs, not right now. 

"Look, it's just not that simple, okay? I can't tell you anything, so, please, just forget about all of this and move on or something. " 

"No. Lexa, there's something fucked up about this and I need to know. I haven't slept since I saw you dead in the forest! You were dead, Lexa. How the fuck were you dead? " 

"I... I wasn't, of course I wasn't, Clarke. I'm alive, breathing, right now. Maybe... Maybe you saw something that wasn't true. I already told you. I passed out, that happens sometimes- " 

"What? You just pass out and snap your neck on the way down. Lexa, I know what I saw and with every lie you tell me I'm... " Clarke's voice breaks and now she can't keep it in anymore. She's crying and she doesn't know why. 

"Fuck this, " She says, sitting down on Lexa's couch. "Seriously, it smells like shit in here! " 

And that makes Lexa laugh. She walks to the coffee table in front of the couch and sits down on it. She places one of her hands on Clarke's knee, because it just felt right. 

"I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for not being able to tell you the truth and I'm sorry for lying. But believe me when I say that... If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. " 

Clarke gives a loud sigh and gets up from the couch. 

"Let's go, " She says. 

Lexa stops dead in front of her, mouth hanging open and her eyes filled with a baffled look.

"I said let's go. I'm buying you coffee and then you can tell me everything. " 

Clarke walks out the front door, leaving it open behind her. 

Lexa doesn't believe it. This girl, this stupid girl, won't give up. 

Lexa walks out the door, following Clarke's footsteps. 

She doesn't believe that either. 

***

The coffee smell is strong. Lexa hasn't had a cup of coffee in years. 

"You're not a coffee drinker, are you? " Clarke asks as she takes a sip of her own. 

Lexa shakes her head and looks around them. They're sitting in a massive café, people scattered all around them. They got a spot in the corner with plants all around them, it's like their own little part of the café. 

Clarke walked in, ordered two pumpkin spice lattes and then walked directly to the corner spot, it makes Lexa think Clarke comes here often. 

"I can get you something else, you know. " 

"It's fine, really. I just haven't had coffee in a while. It's good, " Lexa says. 

"You really are a horrible liar, Lexa. " 

"I am. "

They go quiet for a while. The café is neatly decorated with little, fake leaves in red, orange and yellow colors. They're scattered around the floor and tables. Fake cobwebs, spiders and other little plastic figures have been placed on different shelves that are almost filled to the brim with books and magazines. 

There's a dim lighting, even though the windows are big and bright. The furniture is all made of either dark wood or dark leather. 

"I spend the entirety of yesterday searching up everything that has happened with you. I've googled blood and demons and monsters and I've seen movies and shows about shitty love stories between some shitty human and an even shittier monster. I've read essays and seen lectures online about hypnosis and mind control in a million different ways. I've even checked up on missing patients from mental hospitals- " 

"I'm not crazy, " Lexa says, interrupting her. 

"I know. I thought, maybe, I was. But I know what I saw was real and you're confirming everything right now by telling me exactly what happened and why. " 

"Clarke- " 

"Please, Lexa. I've known you for, what, four days? I need to know this, please. " 

Lexa can't stand the pleading look in Clarke's eyes. There's so many things about her that makes Lexa forget what happened so many years ago. This is not okay, she shouldn't be here. She shouldn't even be thinking about, considering, telling Clarke the truth. All of this is insane. 

"Fine. " Clarke suddenly spits. "Let me go insane. Let me figure this out even if it'll be the death of me. Don't shut me out though. Call me insane, really, but I kind of like you. You're weird and sort of creepy, but I like you. " 

Lexa doesn't feel the relief she should be feeling. She only feels the butterflies in her stomach, the ones that have been there ever since Clarke knocked on her front door for about an hour ago. 

"Tell me a bit about yourself, Lexa. No lying. "

"I moved here with a friend of mine two years ago. " 

"I thought you lived alone? " 

"I do. Now. She quickly found out that staying in one place for more than a week isn't really her thing. So she left and came back as she wanted to. " 

"Not anymore? " Clarke asks and puts down her coffee. She's almost done with it. 

"No. We had a bit of a... Disagreement. She won't come back anymore, hopefully. " Lexa whispers the last bit to herself as she pushes her cup of coffee over to Clarke's side of the little table in between them. 

"I'm sad to hear that. "

"I'm not. " Lexa smiles. 

"Well, good for you then. " Clarke laughs and takes Lexa's coffee with a smile. 

"What about you? What's your little story? " Lexa jokes and now her hands feel empty without the mug in her hands. She doesn't know what to do with them so cracks her knuckles and puts them on the armrests on either side of her chair. 

"My story? " Clarke laughs. "It's nothing. Lived here my whole life with my mom and dad, well. My dad died when I was about 13. My mom became overprotective and crazy for a little while and then she cooled off. I, on the other hand, am still, apparently, crazy. " Clarke laughs. 

There it is. That swoosh in Lexa's stomach from Clarke's giggles. 

"There's nothing special about me or my life. " 

"How did he die, if I may ask? " Lexa shifts a little in her chair. 

"He was in the police, as I told you. He died on the job. Some nut-head killed him. He was doing some out of town work, helping some people in another station and then some woman got loose and killed a bunch of officers. It was horrible. " Clarke looks like she's in pain, Lexa can tell that she's imagining everything in her head.

"I'm sorry, " Lexa says, looking down at her hands. 

"It's okay. I miss him every day and it hurts like hell to think about how he had to go... But it's okay. Everything happens for a reason, I have to tell myself that. He's probably in a better place or whatever they say. " She ends off with a smile before drinking the rest of Lexa's coffee too.

***

Clarke can't believe she's telling Lexa this. She's not even told Octavia about everything that happened to her dad. All she thinks happened was that he died on the job. Now Lexa knows that a woman killed him, cut him up before finally putting a bullet in his brain. 

After many years of therapy she can now think about it, even talk about it, apparently. 

"Clarke? " She looks up at Bellamy's face. 

"Shit, " She says and gets up from her chair, almost not letting go of her empty coffee mug on the way. 

"What are you doing? I though you were doing something with your mom and, sorry, but this doesn't look like- " 

"I know, I'm sorry. I- " 

"I'm Lexa, hi. " Lexa takes her hand out and shake's Bellamy's gently. "I'm one of Abby's interns. Abby told me about Clarke and I just had to meet her. " Lexa smiles. 

"Oh, okay. That's... Cool. Clarke, can I talk with you for a minute? " Bellamy makes a fake smile and Clarke already knows where this is going. 

"Can it wait, please? We're just- " 

"It's fine, Clarke. Take your time. " Lexa smiles. She tries to ignore the way this guy's heart is beating like crazy, it's like an annoying drumroll in her ears. 

"See Clarke? It's fine. " Bellamy says it in a mocking way, Lexa hears that instantly. She also sees how Clarke's smile fades away even more and it makes her sick to her stomach that he does that. 

"It'll only take a minute, Lexa. Stay here, please. " Clarke gives her a quick smile before Bellamy takes her hand and leads her away from Lexa. 

She, Lexa, drops back down in her chair and tries to calm down. This is ridiculous, she tells herself. 

***

"If you're breaking up with me you might as well just do it. " 

"What... Bellamy. First of all, I'm not. Second of all, there's nothing to 'break up'. " 

"Huh, really? Well, that's just perfect, isn't it? " 

"Bellamy, we've only been dating for a couple of months. I just need to- " 

"To what, Clarke? Drink coffee with some hot chick? " 

"You think she's hot? " Clarke can feel how her cheeks are getting red and her fists sweaty. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Clarke. Just... Tell me if this is the end of... Whatever it was. I'll leave you alone. " 

"I don't want it to be the end, Bell- " 

"Don't... Don't talk to me like I'm the one doing everything wrong. "

"What... I'm not! Look, can't we talk about this some other time? I don't even know her, okay? It's... It's awkward having this conversation here. We'll talk after school tomorrow. " 

Bellamy laughs a little, it's forced and choked up. 

"Of course, always tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes, does it, Clarke? Look. I'll make this easy for you. Either you come with me right now and we'll talk all of this out... Or you'll stay here with 'your mom's intern' and we're done. " 

"I can't just leave her here, Bellamy. " 

"Fine. Goodbye, Clarke. " He turns without hesitation. 

"Bell- " 

"Fuck you, Clarke! " He yells as he walks out the doors. People all around her start staring, she can feel their eyes on her as she walks back to her seat in the corner. 

"Everything okay? " Lexa asks, like she didn't just hear their entire conversation. 

"To be honest, no. But it'll get better, don't worry. Now, " Clarke says dropping down in her seat. "Let's talk about why we're really here. "


	5. Chapter 5

Lexa hasn't felt this nervous, ever. 

Her hands are sweaty and her stupid beating heart is going crazy in her chest. 

"What is up with you? " Clarke asks. That's a nice way to put it, Lexa thinks. 

The silence goes on for a long time, it feels like hours of Clarke just sitting there, staring straight at Lexa, waiting for an answer. 

"Tell me, Lexa. What. Is. Up. With. You. " It's no longer a question. 

Lexa opens and closes her mouth several times, not knowing what to say. She could just tell the truth. She doesn't exactly know why she shouldn't, she's never told anyone before who wasn't already a vampire themselves. 

This is not like in the movies or TV-shows. There's no 'greater evil' coming for Lexa, or for Clarke even if she knows about Lexa.

"I'll tell you, " Lexa says, ignoring how Clarke's eyes light up. "If you walk with me. It's my time to show you something. " 

Clarke jumps up from her seat, grabs her bag and jacket and walks to the door. Lexa can't help but to let out a small laugh as she follows her. 

***

It doesn't take long for them to reach the lake. It's big and beautiful, just like Lexa remembered it. 

"You look like you're finally home, " Clarke says, followed by a light giggle. 

"I haven't been here in years. " 70, to be exact, Lexa thinks.

"So, what's so special about this place? Other than the amazing nature. " Clarke smiles. 

"This is were it all happened, " Lexa says. She doesn't know how to say this. 

"What? " Clarke asks, sitting down on a bench nearby the water. 

"I've never told anyone, Clarke. So... I'm sorry if all of this is too much. Tell me to stop whenever you feel like it, okay? "

Clarke just nods, eager to find out. 

"When I was little I lived with this man. He was, well I don't actually know, but he told me he was my father. I hated him. He would... Do things to me. Then, when I was about 17, I met this wonderful girl named Anya. She was so cool, the coolest. She was my friend, my family. One day when I got home, I saw the man, my "father", on the floor. He was dead. " 

Clarke gasps and then covers her mouth afterwards. 

"It's okay. Anya took care of me afterwards and everything was fine. He was a horrible person and deserved to be dead. " 

Lexa feels like everything happened yesterday, not 70 years ago. 

"I went to this school, to take some extra classes, and I met this other girl, Costia. She was... Everything. We, uhm, we became friends very fast and everything was amazing. Then, one day, I was walking home at night, I had just finished one of my late classes and this guy came up to me. He grabbed me and started pulling my bag and I tried to push him away. He pulled out a knife and stabbed me... It was in the stomach. " 

Lexa holds her hand over the place where she remembers the pain so clearly. 

"I was close to home and out of nowhere Anya was just by my side. I didn't understand a thing, I thought I was hallucinating from the pain or something. I didn't know anything at that moment. Later she told me she could hear me or smell me or whatever, she's always very secretive. Then she cut open the palm of her hand and I thought 'this is it. I'm losing it', " Lexa says with a light laugh. 

"She then tried to make me drink her blood. " 

"What! " Clarke yells a little too loud, making an elderly couple walking past them stop and stare for a moment. "Sorry... " Clarke mumbles and then turns back to Lexa's story. 

"Yeah, I know. She said it would help. But I was so close to the end, you know. I could almost see the light. And then my arm started hurting and I thought 'Really? Isn't my stomach enough?'. " Lexa smiles to the ground.

"I woke up a day later. I was in mine and Anya's apartment and... I was fine. I felt no pain other than this weird stinging sensation in my mouth. Like I was chewing on paper or something. Anya was there and she told me everything. She explained to me what it was that I saw and- " 

"What did you see? What... Is she, like, cannibalistic or something? " 

"No, no. Well, " Lexa says, laughing slightly. "This is were it gets weird, Clarke. " 

"Oh, because your friend making you drink her blood isn't weird. " 

"Clarke, please. " 

"I know, yeah. I want to know so I'll shut up. Go on, please. " 

"She told me that she had to make a choice... To save me. So she turned me... Well, by biting me she released a sort of... Venom. It didn't really kill me, actually. It made me immortal, in a way. Clarke, I'm a vampire. " 

***

What. The. Fuck. 

What, no. No. No no no no NO. 

"You're what?! " Clarke yells, getting up from the bench as she waves her arms around her. "You are such a dick, Lexa. I honestly believed you would tell me the truth! What the fuck is wrong with you! Oh, wait! You won't tell me! You'd rather have me go insane before telling me- " 

"Clarke! " Lexa yells. Luckily, no one is around to stare at her. 

"What!? " Clarke spits, kicking the ground annoyed. 

"I'm telling you the truth... Let me prove it. " 

Lexa bends down to grab a, somewhat, sharp stone from the ground. She holds it with a firm grip and then pulls up her sleeve on one arm. 

"What are you... " Clarke voice dies out. 

Lexa runs the sharp stone down her arm, letting the blood drip down from the open wound. 

"Oh, my God! Lexa, stop that! " Clarke says, ripping the stone out of Lexa's grip. She looks at the arm and her fast movements slow to a stop. 

It's healing. Clarke doesn't understand. She's looking at Lexa's skin, the open wound on her arm, and it's just healing. The blood stops running, letting it flow down Lexa's arm, leaving red streaks of it. 

"What... " 

"It's okay, Clarke. I'm fine. " Lexa smiles as she turns her arm over to show that it still works perfectly fine. "Here, look. " She continues. She gives a wide smile, showing of her, now visible, fangs. 

Clarke's head hurts. She takes a few steps back, hitting a garbage can that stinks of cigarette smoke. 

"Wh- " 

"Clarke, easy. It's okay, really. I told you the truth, now you know. " 

But Clarke doesn't know a thing. She doesn't understand what the fuck is happening. She doesn't understand how this all feels so real, it has to be real. But it can't be, because in real life this doesn't fucking happen. 

"Clarke- "

"Don't! Please... Don't touch me. " Clarke doesn't know why she says that. But the thought of this... Thing... Touching her. It makes her sick to her stomach. 

"I won't hurt you, Clarke. Of course I won't! I know this is hard to understand, it was hard for me too. " 

"Hard!? You're... You're a monster! A freak! " Clarke spits as she walks around the garbage can, keeping her eyes on the creature in front of her. 

"What... No? Clarke, please. I won't do anything. I don't hurt people! I can't hurt people! That's why I got in a fight with her, with Anya. Because she- "

"Lexa, don't. I feel like my head is exploding and I just- " 

Clarke should really get better at judging the distance from thing around her, because as she takes another step she feels the mud beneath her foot make her slip into the freezing cold water. It consumes her. She screams as she fights to the top of the lake. Why is it so fucking deep?

The next thing she hears is splashing water and then something is touching her, God, something is touching her. She screams and punches and kicks out in the water, making whatever horrible seamonster let go of her. 

Then she feels a firm grip around her arm and something pulls her towards the light, up and away from the water. 

Then the water disappears and she can feel her lungs get filled with something much nicer, air. 

She starts coughing as she fights her way to lay on her stomach. 

She feels like the water coming out of her lungs won't ever stop, it just keeps going. 

It hurts to fucking much.

***

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I... This is why vampires don't tell humans that they're vampires. Somebody could've told me this... God, " Lexa says, bringing her shaking hands to her face. She tightens her ponytail, letting the water drip from it and down her, already soaked, back. 

Clarke starts to mumble something, but she also keeps coughing so none of it is understandable. 

"Clarke, easy. Learn how to breathe before talking, it makes it easier. "

"I... Wait, " She says, looking around her. "Where are we? " 

"In the forest... By my house. " 

"What!? " Clarke yells, fighting for air. "How long was I out? " 

"Like, a couple of minutes. I, uhm, I ran here. Vampires can run pretty fast when we try to, " Lexa says, realizing she's also out of breath so she stops for a second or two to take a couple of deep breaths. "I just didn't know I could run THIS fast. " She can't help but to smile, this is a whole new limit. She just ran what would normally take her an hour in two minutes. 

"Right... You're a bloodsucking demon. " Clarke gets up from the ground. "You know... " She says, her voice cracking and tears start to fill her eyes, blending in with the water from the lake on her cheeks. "I think I'd like to go home now. " 

Clarke breaks down right then and there. In the middle of the forest, drenched in water and with a monster in front of her. 

"I... Clarke, what's wrong? " Lexa doesn't understand. She tried to do the right thing, Clarke wanted to know. She just told her the truth. She said no more lying and now she's not lying. 

What is she doing wrong? 

"What's wrong!? You... You're some freak or a monster or something! And... And you ran really fast, like. This is insane! " Clarke says, letting the words choke her up even more than her cries. 

"Clarke- "

"No! I want to go home, please. " Clarke looks for her phone in her bag. It fell in the water with her, she's lucky she had it strapped over her shoulder. Otherwise it'd be at the bottom of a very deep lake right now. 

"I'll take you home. " 

"No! I'll call for a cab or something, " She says, checking her phone. "It's broken. Of course it is. " 

"I'm sorry. I don't have a phone... Or a car, really. I've never actually needed one. " 

"Just. I'll walk. " 

"Clarke- " 

"Stop! Stop saying my name like that. Leave me alone. I don't even know you, " Clarke says. 

Lexa wishes Clarke'd ended that sentence with 'anymore' because it'd imply that Clarke once knew her and that it could be changed. But when Clarke stops talking after 'you' it just forms a line under the hidden meaning, which is 'I don't even know you and I don't want to. You're a horrible monster and I don't want to be around you never ever again. Please, fuck off and also, screw you'. 

Lexa doesn't like that meaning. 

***

"Mom? " Clarke calls as she dumps her dripping back in the hallway by the door. 

"Yeah, hon'? " Abby calls as she walks from the kitchen to the hallway, looking down at some files in her hands. "What's up? " She says and her smiles disappears when she looks at Clarke. 

"Mom... " Clarke cries as she falls to her knees, slamming the door behind her. 

"Clarke, oh my God! " Abby runs to her, dropping everything in her hands to catch her. "What happened? Where've you been! " 

"It... It's Lexa. She's... Mom, I'm so scared! " 

***

Clarke wakes up on the couch with some tea and the TV on about an hour later. Abby is sitting in the chair next to the couch. Her hands are folded on her knees, she's leaning over to look at Clarke. 

"Hey sweetie, " She says and brushes a few messy strands of Clarke's hair away from her eyes. "You're shaking. " 

"I'm cold, " Clarke mutters into one of the three blankets she has draped over her and tucked beneath her like Abby always does. 

"How are you feeling? " 

"I'm... Confused. " Clarke sits up slowly. 

"What happened? " Abby asks, resting a hand on Clarke's knee. 

"I... " 

Clarke thinks about everything. She thinks about what happened today. So looks outside, it's dark now. She must've been out for hours with Lexa... Lexa. 

Lexa's a vampire.

Clarke shudders just from the thought of it. Then she remembers that Lexa also saved her from the lake and brought her somewhere without a million people to see her get rescued from a fucking lake. 

She then thinks about the way Lexa told her everything. She was so nervous, so scared. She hadn't done that before, told anyone. That's what she said. Then again, she could be lying. 

"Clarke, hey. Talk to me, " Abby says, her eyes even more pleading and begging than before.

"I was out with Lexa after school today and, uhm, we got into this bar and- " 

"You've been drinking? " Abby asks, confused and shocked. 

"I'm so sorry, mom. It was just... It was just suddenly happening and then we went to this other place and there was a pool, a very dirty pool, and I fell in. I'm so sorry- " 

Abby gets up from the chair and walks behind the couch with her head in her hands. 

"Clarke Griffin. " 

Oh God, not the full name thing. 

"Go to your room. No dinner, not a word. I don't want to see you down here until tomorrow when you go to school. You're under house arrest. " 

"For how long? " Clarke asks and regrets it when Abby turns to look at her, her look alone could kill a monster in a split second. 

"A month. " 

"A month!? " Clarke yells, getting up from the couch. 

"Yes, Clarke. A month. Underage drinking... What is wrong with you? No, you know what. Make it two months. Go to your room. " 

"But- " 

"No buts. "

"Mom- "

"Clarke, don't. "

"I'm- " 

"Go to your room or it'll be three months! " 

Clarke storms upstairs and smacks her door closed. 

She should've told a different lie. 

Anything, really, could have been better. 

Now she's pretty much locked in her bedroom with nothing to eat and a brain that physically hurts. 

***

"What the fuck happened to you yesterday? " Octavia yells and slaps the back of Clarke's head. 

"I'm sorry, I was- "

"Stop lying, Clarke. Why did Bell break up with you? " She's still yelling, making everyone around them on the parking lot stare and whisper.

"I... It's a long story, okay? Can't we just get this day over with? " Clarke pushes her way past the people in front of her, a few of the girls call her names but they're using swearwords Clarke learned when she was five so she laughs it off and continues, no stopping, to her english class. 

The day seems to be going by quicker than she had expected. She's spent most of her classes not listening. All that's going through her mind is the fact that Lexa's a vampire. She tries to tell herself that it's true over and over again, maybe it won't come as a shock in the end. 

"Ready for gym? " Lincoln says, locking hands with Octavia as they all walk down the hall. 

"Actually... " Clarke smiles. "I'm going home. I don't feel well, sorry. " 

Before anyone can get to say anything, call her anything, she walks with fast steps out of their Spanish classroom, down the hallways and out to the school parking lot. 

"Hey, Clarke! " A girl calls, but Clarke waves her off with a smile and then keeps walking, following the road along the forrest until she turns a corner. Now she's walking, out of breath just by the thought of visiting Lexa, deeper and deeper into the forest. 

***

Lexa hears her instantly, she says to herself that she didn't try to listen for her, waiting for her coming, but that's a lie. A big, fat one, actually. 

A stick breaks not far away, she turns and looks. It's a deer, probably a member of the family she saw not long ago. Was it yesterday? It feels like forever. 

She runs to it, jumping over fallen trees. The wind is cold around her body as she runs and runs and jumps over it, holding it down by its neck. 

"Sorry, bud' " She says right before she feels her jaw ache, her fangs come out and then she can't stop herself. She drinks, feeling the warm, thick blood filling her up from the inside. She stops when she hears the heart of the animal slow down. 

"Lexa? " 

She quickly looks up, letting the blood run from the corners of her mouth. She can see red, literally. When she gets consumed by the feeling of feeding, her eyes turn red. Anya says it's a way for vampire to want to eat more. When you see the world in red it's like you instantly stop every living creature around you. 

She blinks a few times, looking away from Clarke, who's standing 10 feet away from her with a look Lexa can't describe. She looks grossed out, but also fascinated.

Lexa wipes herself clean on the edge of her sleeve and the animal that's stuck to the ground beneath her wait tries to wiggle its way free. Lexa makes a quick decision, she pulls up her sleeve to expose her wrist and then she bites it, ignoring the few seconds of pain. She lets her blood drip into the mouth of the deer and only stops when the bite mark she made in its neck disappears. 

She gets up, letting it run off into some bushes and further and further away, until she no longer can hear it's breathing. 

"Clarke, I'm sorry you saw that. " Lexa feels awkward, she's not really the kind of vampire to eat in a elegant way - not that there really is a elegant way to drink blood from a living, breathing animal. 

"It's, uhm, it's okay. I don't have long. It took me about 20 minutes to even get here. If I'm not home within an hour my mom will kill me. She's not exactly happy about... Well, about what I told her. " 

Lexa looks up at Clarke. Shit, she thinks. She didn't even think about Clarke telling Abby. This is a mess. Abby shouldn't know. Lexa doesn't know why, but Abby just shouldn't know.

"I didn't tell her about you. Don't worry. She'd probably send me to a mental hospital within a heartbeat if I ever told her you're... A vampire, " Clarke says, breathing in on the two last words. 

"Thank you, " Lexa says and takes a step towards Clarke. She flinches slightly and puts her hands up in front of her. 

"Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm okay with all of this. You know, you come into my life and flip my world upside down, " Clarke says. "And not in a good way. " 

Lexa doesn't want to know what Clarke meant with the last part, well, she does. She's just scared it might not mean the same thing she thinks it does. 

"I'm sorry. " Lexa mumbles and backs away to show Clarke she understands. 

"There are some things I need to know. " Clarke begins. "From what I've read and seen online... " 

This makes Lexa laugh slightly, thinking about all of the ridiculous things people have made up about her. 

"Hey, no laughing. This is very serious, " Clarke says, trying to hide her smile. "I've read that to become a vampire you have to kill someone. So I guess my first question is... "

"One, " Lexa says. 

"What? " 

"One. I've killed one person, one human. " 

***

Clarke had thought Lexa's number was higher. When she was home last night, sitting in her bed doing nothing but to stare at her wall, she'd found all of these things she'd wanted to know about Lexa. Now she has the answer on one of the questions, the one she feared the most. 

She's expected her number to be around the hundred or something, because that's what she read. 

Somehow, Lexa's answer still freaks her out. There is one less person on this earth because of the girl standing in front of her. 

"One. " Clarke repeats. 

"It was an accident, but that doesn't change anything, I know that. It's something I'm living with every second of my life, something I've never forgotten, just so you know. " 

Clarke nods along with Lexa's words. She's right, it doesn't change anything. 

"Next question, " Clarke says with a shaky voice. "How old are you? " 

Lexa laughs a little, trying to hide it again, this time failing more than before. 

"I was 20 when I was turned. I was turned in 1946, so that's about 70 years ago. " 

"You're 90 years old, holy fuck. " Clarke takes another step back, just from the weight of those words. 

"Next question? " Lexa smiles. 

Clarke nods, "Sure. Next question, " She says and thinks for a while. 

"Do you eat people? " 

"No, I don't. " Lexa grins slightly. "I feed on animal blood, doing what I can to keep them alive, as you just saw. I kill the little ones, though. If I was to save every animal, every squirrel, rabbit and everything in between, I wouldn't be able to live off their blood. The big ones like the deer, they're easier to manage. " 

"Huh, okay. " Clarke nods, trying to understand everything. She keeps telling herself that this is really happening, that Lexa is in fact a real vampire and yes, you did just see her drink blood from a deer. But no matter how hard she tries, she just can't wrap her head around it. 

"Do you have a heartbeat? " Clarke asks and her eyes fall to Lexa's chest - then back to Lexa's eyes because she shouldn't be staring at Lexa's chest. 

"I do. " 

The answer shocks Clarke. 

"How? " 

"Well, when I was turned I became a vampire, of course. "

"Of course, " Clarke says breathlessly. 

"Then the blood inside me turned into vampire-blood. And vampire-blood is healing. So when my organs stopped, my blood healed them and, well, they're still going. " 

"That's... Vampire blood can heal? Everything? " 

"Not everything, Clarke. It can't cure illnesses like cancer, for example. Also mental illnesses, that won't work either. "

Clarke doens't notice that she's taken a few steps closer to Lexa. 

"Clarke... " Lexa puts her hand out to stop her. "I never even thought about how difficult this must be for you to understand and I'm sorry about that. If you want me to... I can make you forget it, you know. Like I did with your mother. " 

"What do you mean? How do you do that? " 

"Well, I just have to focus really hard and then tell you something. I need to believe in it myself, in a way. It has to make sense to me and there has to be a 'greater good' behind it. Like, I can't just compel you to think the earth is flat. That wouldn't do anything, really, so it wouldn't work. "

"Have you ever, " Clarke thinks about the words Lexa used. "Compelled me? " 

Lexa looks away. 

"I've tried. You know that. I tried when you found me in the forest, but it didn't work. I tired when you saw me with blood everywhere, it didn't work either. I also tried when I left and that didn't work either. " 

"Why didn't it? " 

"I don't know. I think it's because all of those times I wasn't strong enough or something- " 

"Maybe there wasn't a greater good behind it, " Clarke says with a smirk. 

Lexa smiles too and they stand there for a while until Clarke thinks about what Lexa just said. 

"When you were covered in blood... Was that because you were eating? " 

"Uhm, no. Not really. It was Anya- " 

"Your vampire friend. " Clarke states. 

"Yeah, she got kind of mad when I got mad and she threw, uhm, blood bags on me. " 

Clarke raises her chin and lifts her eyebrows. 

"She has a bit of a rage problem, " Lexa says. 

"Tell me about it. " Clarke laughs. 

"And, well, I don't do good around human blood. "

"Why not? I thought it was like... An essential for vampires? " Clarke asks and sits down on a fallen tree. 

"For some. For Anya. But... Something happened. When I was turned. I don't want to think it, you know. But it's like this fire inside of me gets lit and hot and it hurts and somehow, the only thingthat will put it out if I drink human blood. " 

Lexa sits down next to Clarke, leaving a reasonable space between them. 

"I want to know more, Lexa. But I need to get home. " 

"I... " 

"What? " 

"I can, you know, get you home in like two minutes. " Lexa smiles and kicks some dirt and looks away, it's so obvious that she feels awkward about it. Clarke can't help but to laugh. 

"If my mom saw you she'd kill you. " 

"I'm a 70 years old vampire, " Lexa says and gets up. 

"My mom is Abby Griffin and she's the scariest person alive. " Clarke laughs and gets up herself. 

"Well... Then she won't see me. " Lexa smiles and turns to face Clarke. 

"How? " Clarke smiles and takes her hands out of her pockets. 

The next thing she knows, she's floating through air. Or, it feels like that.

She can feel the cold air on her skin and she can hear how the wind is blowing by her ears. She can hear people talk or laugh, just for a few seconds and then they're gone. When she stops she falls, but Lexa catches her with a grin. 

"Like this, " Lexa says and catches her breath shortly. 

"Oh, my God. I'm home, " Clarke says and looks around her. "It's like magic. " 

"That is nothing like magic. Magic is... Funky and painful most of the time. Don't do magic, Clarke. It's a bitch, " Lexa says and turns away from the door. "You're mom's coming down the stairs. "

"You can hear her? " Clarke asks and Lexa just answers with a wink. 

"See you later? " Lexa asks. 

"Yeah- "

"Clarke. " 

"Mom, " Clarke says and looks to were Lexa was standing just a second ago. Now there's nothing but a garden gnome. 

"You're late. " Abby lets Clarke inside and shuts and locks the door behind her. 

"Mr. Kane likes to spend too much time talking about badminton, he went over time. I would've called you but someone took my phone. " 

"Don't, Clarke. Just go to your room, I'll make dinner later. " 

Clarke does as she's told. 

The next two months are going to be hell.


	6. Chapter 6

Lexa spends the rest of the day walking around town. 

She never does this, pretend like she's the same as everyone else around her. She likes it, though. But in a way she also feels like she's lying to every person she accidentally gets eye contact with, it's silly. 

"Hey! Lexa, right? " A guy, Bellamy, taps her on the shoulder so she stops, turns and nods quickly. 

"I'm Bellamy, remember? " 

"You're the guy who broke up with Clarke in the middle of a café, " Lexa says, her voice is stern and her fists are clenched. 

"Yup, that's me. " Bellamy puts his hands in his jeans pockets and looks around them. "So, has she, like, said anything? " 

Lexa blinks a few too many times and takes a step back. 

"About you? No. " 

"Oh, okay. Fine, that's cool. I mean, not COOL, but you know. Fine. " 

"You're okay? " Lexa asks, fighting every urge to punch him dead in the face. She could if she really wanted to (she really wants to). 

"What? Yeah, I'm great. Just, uhm, if you see her tell her- " 

"We really don't know each other that well, sorry. I need to get going, " Lexa says ands tries her best to mean it when she said 'sorry' but just looking at his stupid, hurt face made her tense up even more. 

Why the fuck is she so mad at him? Like, yeah, he broke up with Clarke in front of a massive crowd of people. But that doesn't mean that Lexa should hate him, does it?

***

Clarke needs to get out of her room and out of her house. 

She feels like every thought, memory and everything in between are trapped in there with her, waiting for her to explode. 

She feels like she's going to explode. 

"Clarke? " Abby knocks on the door a few times and opens it before Clarke gets to say anything.

"Mhm? " Clarke says and puts down her history book, she didn't read anything anyway. 

"Can we talk? " 

"About what? "

"About why you decided to get drunk, something you've never talked about before. " Abby sits down on the edge of Clarke's bed like she always does. 

"I know I shouldn't have done it, mom. I regret it. A lot. I just- " 

"Don't. I want to say a couple of things first, " Abby says and gets comfortable. "When you father died everything was really rough for me, you know that. Just being in this house made me angry and hurt. The people, the therapists, they all said that you might grow up very differently now. That at one point you might snap and it'd get hard for you to see right from wrong. They told me that you'd feel like everything and everyone, the world, would be against you and you'd- " 

"Rebel against it? Against you? " Clarke laughs a little and shakes her head. "Mom, I didn't do it because I was mad or angry- " 

"I know that, Clarke. You're such a good person. I know you're struggling in school and stuff, I wish I had more time to help you. But you're doing so well and I'm so proud of you. That's why I've made a choice. I don't want you to see Lexa anymore. " 

"What? " Clarke jumps out of bed. 

"You would've never gotten drunk if you weren't with her. We both know that, Clarke. " 

"Mom! Please, you don't understand- " 

"I understand enough, Clarke. Don't make me the bad guy, " Abby says and tries to hold Clarke's hand, but she pulls it away from her. Abby gets up and turns to the door. "I'm sorry, " She says, closing the door behind her. 

***

Lexa can still feel the the huskiness from Bellamy's voice drumming against her eardrums, she can still smell his cheap deodorant and she still feels the uncomfortable feeling she had when he started talking to her. 

It's probably because he's still talking to her. He's holding her wrist in a tight grip. Lexa could easily just pull her hand away from him, but to him and everyone around them she's human and he'd probably be stronger than her. 

"Let go of me, " Lexa says. 

Bellamy doesn't say anything back. 

"I'm sorry about this, " Lexa says, again, not even meaning it a little bit. She grabs Bellamy's wrist with her other hand and pushes down on his veins until her looks at her and lets go. 

"What the fuck! " He suddenly yells, pulling his hand away from her in disgust. 

"Next time you let go when I tell you to, " Lexa says, ignoring the fact that he's half a head taller than her. She looks up at him, his hair is messy and curly and there's sweat dripping down the sides of his head. 

"You're psycho! " He yells, louder. He obviously doesn't care that people already are staring. Or maybe he does and he just enjoys it. 

"You... You grabbed me! " Lexa says. 

"Because I wanted to talk. You're crazy, " He says and backs away. 

"Wait, " Lexa says. "Listen to me. You came here and talked to me and everything was fine. You were worried about Clarke and you asked me if she's talked about since you broke up with her. I said no and you were upset. Then we said goodbye and you went home. Nothing else happened. " 

He nods for little while, just until his brain understands what it has just been told.

Then Lexa decides to do something she feels like she has to. 

"Also, " She continues. "When you see Clarke again I want you to tell her you're sorry that you ended things like you did. She needs that. " 

"Oh, well. Goodbye, Lexa! Thank you anyway. " He smiles, turns around and walks away.

***

When Lexa gets home she finds her old diaries. She used to keep a diary when she was young, when she turned 16 she stopped. Too many things happened and she never had enough ink or led or paper to write it all down. 

Then she was turned and thought that she had more than enough time to write. 

A book with '1960-1970' written on it is on top of her pile of old diaries. 

She flicks through the pages, looking for one thing i particular. 

'Dear diary. 

It's not getting easier. Everything with Anya is turning out to be much more difficult than expected. She's out of control and I need help. I've tried to contact some old vampires in Italy, but they're saying she's not a big enough problem for them to care. I'll write more later, I am sorry. '

Lexa thinks back to 1963, she'd spend the whole year following Anya, making sure to cover up all the bodies she'd left on her way from New York to Las Vegas. 1962 was the first year Anya had turned off her humanity. A guy she'd been dating didn't make it through the transition from human to vampire. It never really happens that people give up, it ruined Anya. She flipped the switch and went on a rampage, killing every man that even had the same hair color as him on her way to Las Vegas. 

Lexa never found out why she went to Las Vegas, she's never dared to ask. 

She keeps digging through the pile of books, stopping when she gets to a book with '1980-1990' on it. 

She find the last page of the book and reads it.

'Dear diary. 

She flipped the switch again and I can't keep helping her. I don't want to anymore. But she saved my life, that's what I have to keep thinking. That what she did to me was a blessing and not a nightmare.  
It's starting to feel more like a night terror. '

Lexa shuts the book. 

She remember how in 1990 Anya had finally found a new man to love. She was head over heels in love with him, they were perfect together. He was already a vampire and they spend every moment together, partying and eating and doing everything Lexa had tried to make her stop doing. 

He was killed by a werewolf. They're rare but of course the love of Anya's life had to meet one and piss it off. It bit him. The bite killed him within hours. 

She turned off her humanity and went from San Francisco to Las Vegas. It took Lexa years before she managed to make her flip it back. 

Lexa closes the book with a sigh. 

'2010-2020'

The book is white with golden numbers on the front. 

She opens it slowly, scared the words in it might startle her. 

'Dear diary. 

I'm back. I moved back to where it all began. I'm living in a house in the forest. Anya's not here, she will be though. She'll find me and come back and everything will be good. '

Lexa flicks through a few pages until 2015 comes. 

'Dear diary. 

I think she flipped the switch, but I'm not sure. As far as I know nothing has happened for her to do it. But she's saying all of these things and she's getting sloppier and sloppier with hiding the bodies. I wish she'd talk to me about it. I care about her, she's like my sister. '

Lexa closes her eyes for a couple of seconds before flipping the page. She knows what Anya wrote it in, she just doesn't want to see it. 

'I'm not, Lexa. I'm the devil. ' 

Lexa screams and throws the book across the room. It hits the wall and a few blank pages fall out and floats the ground. 

"I HATE YOU! " She screams and cries. Her lungs hurt, it burns. She grabs the box of old books and throws it the same way as before. Letting the pages fall out and fly all over the place. 

Tears are falling down from the tip of her chin. Her face is numb and her hands are shaking. 

She feels like she's falling apart. Something big and powerful in the pit of her stomach is consuming her, it's eating her alive. 

She's the victim at the crime scene. 

She's the one dying. The immortal creature is dying. 

***

Clarke goes to school, leaving her house without a single word to her mother. 

She's dressed in black sweatpants, a loose brown t-shirt and an oversized grey cardigan. She's wearing her old sneakers and a beanie in mustard yellow. It's too big, her entire head could pretty much fit in it. 

She's walking to school. She messaged Octavia from her laptop, saying she's early and that she doesn't need to be picked up. 

Octavia, of course, is pissed at her for ruining her relationship with Bellamy. Clarke did not to be reminded of Bellamy that early in the morning. 

The leaves are all on the ground, it's so much colder than what she's used to.

So she wraps the cardigan across her body and lets her hands fall into the deep pockets, protected by the thick fabric. 

She looks to her left and feels the temptation of the forest. Lexa is probably right in there and all she needs to do is cross the road and she'll be able to talk to her. But Clarke chooses not to. She decides that Lexa is a vampire and vampires probably sleep until midday (then she thinks about if Lexa even sleeps). She probably has other things to do than to answer all of Clarke's stupid questions. 

Clarke has spend too much time thinking about Lexa in a way she doesn't want to.

She can't help focus on how Lexa's brown, curly hair is all over the place all the time and how her eyes are a dark green color when she's happy or exited and that they're a light, green color when she's worried or upset. 

She can't help but to think about how amazing it was to just float through the air and over the ground in Lexa's arms and how she'd want to do that all the time. She even thinks about how it'd feel to hold hands and stroll down the street with someone who'd been there 70 years ago. 

At one point she even let her mind go as far as to think about how it'd be to kiss someone that powerful. 

She hates how fast she gets to the school, she wants more time just walking and doing nothing but to think about Lexa and all the incredible things about her. 

"Clarke. " 

She turns and looks to her right. 

"Bellamy, " She says, startled at first but then the hot anger comes out. "What do you want? " 

"Wow, " He says, laughing with one eyebrow raised. "I wanted to say that I'm sorry. " 

Clarke doesn't believe what she's hearing. 

"I'm sorry about the way I ended things with you. " 

Then his face turns from blank to confused and then to sad. It's like he wasn't able to control the words, like he just had to say them and now that he's heard them he's feeling them for real.

"Really, Clarke. I'm so sorry. I... I was upset because I really care about you and just seeing you with someone else... Someone you chose over me at that moment. It just hurt and I overreacted. I'm sorry. " 

Clarke nods her way through his words, thinking about them, considering them. 

"It was a real dick thing you did. But I forgive you, mainly because Octavia will kill me if I don't, " She says and they both laugh.

"So, " He says with a grin. "Do you still wanna do something later? " He winks and tries to hold Clarke's hands. 

"What? No. Bellamy, just because I forgive you doesn't mean that I'll come back to you, " She says and takes a step back. 

"You just said... " He tries, but he knows he's the one who made the mistake. "You piece of shit, Clarke. " 

Clarke is so startled, shocked and hurt by the words that she takes a few more steps away from him. As if she's trying to avoid the words in the air. 

"You're a fucking bitch, Clarke! You screw around until it gets too serious and then you crawl back to that fucking hole of yours until someone else falls for you! And then you get to play the hurt one. It's so fucked up. " He laughs and then turns around, his fists are clenched and there's a wicked grin on his face, Clarke can feel it even though she can't actually see it. People have gathered around them, some are laughing and talking, Clarke can't hear what they're saying but she can feel their eyes on her. 

"Bellamy! " Octavia yells and pushes her way past the people in front of her. She walks to Bellamy and holds his upper arm tightly. "What did you do this time? " She yells and Clarke is so happy that Octavia's on her side, that she understands that Bellamy is the real dick here. 

But then she looks at Octavia again and she's looking at her with a hurt look. Like she's waiting for something, like she's waiting for an answer. 

"What? " Clarke asks and takes a step closer. 

"What the fuck did you do! " Octavia yells and this time it's not really a question. It's a punch in the face in the form of a sentence. 

"I... " Clarke mumbles, she's out of words. 

"Just... Fucking leave, Clarke. " Bellamy spits and the two of them, Bellamy and Octavia, leave the circle of people. 

The other people leave as well, realizing that there's nothing else exiting to see. 

Clarke feels like her whole body is doing everything she tells it not to. She wants to go home or just get inside some classroom and sit for an hour, not thinking or talking or doing anything. 

But her body turns around and follows the road until it turns and she can disappear into the forest. 

This is where she wants to be.

***

Lexa doesn't feel relaxed very often. 

But as the burning hot water hits her skin and she feels the slight pain, that's one of the few moments where she can breathe. The steam is flowing around her and every thought and work she's had just floats away. 

Then she hears someone knock on her door. 

She turns off the water, jumps out of the shower and wraps herself in a towel. Her hair is still dripping wet as she walks from the bathroom and to the front door. 

"Clarke, " She says, tugging a wet lock of hair behind her ear. 

"Uh. " Clarke's face turns a very warm shade of pink. 

Lexa tries not to laugh. She steps aside to let Clarke inside. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just - " 

"It's fine, Clarke. Come in. " Lexa smiles and tugs at her towel, pulling it up a little. "I'm just going to get some clothes on, " Lexa says. 

"Sure, yeah. " Clarke grins and blushes even more, Lexa didn't think that was even possible. 

When Lexa comes back, wearing black jeans and a musky green colored shirt, she sits down on her coffee table across the couch from where Clarke's sitting. 

"So, " Lexa says and clears her throat. "Why are you not in school? " 

"Because, " Clarke says and leans back in the couch. "I don't want to be there right now. I want to be here. " She whispers the last thing. 

Lexa smiles because of course Clarke doesn't know that she has a better hearing than any living creature on earth. 

"Have you eaten? Because I skipped breakfast and I'm starving! " Clarke smiles. 

"Uhm, " Lexa says and laughs. 

"Oh, shit. " Clarke laughs. "Totally forgot you... You know, drink blood and stuff. " 

"I've already eaten, yeah. But we can go somewhere in town if you want to, " Lexa says. 

"I'd love to. " 

***

The walk into town, it doesn't take too long. Lexa doesn't feel like it does, anyway. 

They're walking side by side. Sometimes their hands brush the other and they go quiet for little while until Clarke can't hold her words back any longer and she starts talking about everything between heaven and earth. 

She talks about how sometimes she'd just love to pause her life and do something else. She talks a lot about going somewhere like Spain or France or Sweden, somewhere where no one knows her and she can do anything, sort of, she wants to.

Lexa thinks back to her years of doing exactly that. She thinks about how everything felt so empty and ridiculous without Costia. She wanted her to be there with her and do all of those stupidly amazing things. 

"Lexa? Are you okay? " Clarke stops walking and looks at Lexa. 

"I'm fine, yeah. " Lexa smiles and then looks up to the sky, trying to hide the tears that all of a sudden came. 

"You don't look fine, " Clarke says with a light laugh to ease the mood. 

"I'm okay. " 

"You can talk to me about it, you know. " Clarke takes Lexa's hand and presses her thumb against the back of it. 

Lexa takes a few deep breaths. They're in the city-park. They sit down on a bench at the side of the little path going through the park. There's a light breeze, Clarke looks like she's cold. Lexa wishes she'd brought a jacket or something, she never really thinks about how humans feel cold or hot all the time. To her, everything's just perfect. 

"I was just thinking about someone. She, uhm, she's the one I... " Lexa can't even say it. Saying it makes it too real and she's still not ready to do that. Anya had forced the words out of her and it had hurt even after Anya left. 

"It's okay, Lexa. I know. " Clarke smiles, still not letting go of Lexa's hand. 

"We had all these plans about traveling the world when we'd have enough money. She was the one who wanted to see everything, she was so terrified of missing out on something. I was just happy to wake up to her every morning, you know. I wasn't in a great place and I did and said a lot of stupid things to her. But she forgave me, every time. She told me she loved me and that she understood and she wanted to help. She really just wanted me to be okay, " Lexa says. 

"I thought I'd never meet anyone like her. But I did and from the first kiss it just felt like everything that had happened to me before that... It just didn't matter. Then, you know, Anya turned me and she told me how to control it, the blood thirst. She told me to just stop when I'd had enough or when the person's heart started beating slower. She said it was easy and that there was nothing wrong with it. "

"So I did as she said. I fed on humans for a week and I had everything under control. Then Costia came home. She was with her parents that week, her father was ill. She kissed me and told me everything that had happened, how her father was getting better and how she'd met this wonderful guy who'd offered her a job in town. The whole time I just felt off, but I didn't do anything about it. I was just so happy to see her again. Then, at night, she kissed me goodnight and I couldn't help myself. I fed off her and... " Lexa stops, trying to calm her voice down.

"It's okay, " Clarke says. "If you don't want to talk about- " 

"I want to, " Lexa says, taking a few deep breaths. "I couldn't stop. Anya said it was because I was so 'new' and my emotions got mixed in with the blood thirst. I didn't stop until it was too late. When the rush passed I realized what I had done and I... I flipped the switch- " 

"What? " Clarke asks. 

"The switch. It's not a physical thing, it's more like a thing in your head. It's the one thing that keeps your emotions and humanity on when you become a vampire. A lot of vampires flip it because of the guilt. I flipped it because I didn't want to feel the pain I had caused on myself. I flipped it and spent the whole time doing everything Costia would've hated me doing. I quit school for good, I said goodbye to all of the friends I had made, packed my stuff and bought a train ticket to go as far away from LA as possible. I was broken, Clarke. You don't become a monster just from being a vampire. I become a monster when you kill. " 

Lexa can see that Clarke's speechless. This is not just a bad love story, this is love story from a horror movie. 

"I'm so sorry, Lexa. No one should go through that, " Clarke says. Clarke's reaction is unexpected, Lexa feels how the weight that she didn't even realize was there lifts off her shoulders as she takes a deep breath. 

"Okay, " Lexa says and gets up from the bench, blinking fast and letting the lump in her throat disappear. "Let's get you some breakfast. "


	7. Chapter 7

They eat at a small café, similar to the one they got coffee in. 

Clarke feels how her hands are shaking from the cold. They start to tingle as they heat up again. She's flicking through the menu card, thinking about if she should get waffles or pancakes. When the waiter comes over Clarke orders the waffles with whipped cream and a coffee. Lexa gets a coffee but nothing to eat. 

"You don't eat food at all? " Clarke suddenly asks, mouth full of waffle. 

Lexa laughs and stirs around in her coffee for a little bit. 

"I've tried. It doesn't taste of anything, really. " She laughs a little bit more when Clarke looks at her with a very sad expression, like that's the saddest thing she could ever imagine. Lexa pushes her coffee over to Clarke when Clarke finishes her own. She smiles and takes it happily. 

"Do you want to talk about why you're not in school? " Lexa asks. 

"I got in a fight with Bellamy, " Clarke says and thinks a bit about what happened. "And Octavia, I guess. " 

"Tell me about it, " Lexa says and smiles as she fiddles with a napkin, drawing little doodles on it with a pen. That's something Clarke didn't expect her to do. 

"He appoligiesed and I said that everything was okay and he just, I don't even know, he just got upset about how I didn't want to get back together with him. He just clicked. Then Octavia came and I felt like they were both just kicking me to the ground in a way. They were just both against me, Octavia didn't even know what it was about! " Clarke shakes her head. 

"He's just upset, Clarke. He knows he made the mistake and now he's trying to get out of the whole situation looking like- " 

"The victim, yeah. That's what I've been telling myself. But, the part that hurts the most is that Octavia didn't even care about me. She'd do anything for her brother, I get that. But he's not always the good guy, the victim. She needs to understand that just because he's a Blake doesn't mean she has to agree with him and do exactly as he says. " 

Lexa nods along and tries to find something smart and helpful to say, but she can't find the words. She can't help but to notice how Clarke's eyes are more blue than ever before and how the morning sun is lighting up the window they're sitting next to, it's hitting her skin and hair, making everything look golden. She's looking at how Clarke sometimes picks at her bottom lip with her fingers even though she's talking, making her words flow into a mumble at some points. 

She's so damn beautiful. 

"What? " Clarke suddenly asks. 

"Huh? " Lexa blinks, coming back to reality. 

"You're staring, " Clarke says and blushes just like she did this morning. 

"I was... Observing. " 

"Why? " 

"Because I want to remember this, " Lexa says. 

"Remember what? " Clarke slides her thumb over her bottom lip, which just makes it ten times harder for Lexa to focus on her words and that they're having a conversation. 

"I want to remember sitting here, with you, talking about all sorts of things. I've lived for a long time, Clarke. Believe it or not, there're many things I don't remember. "

"How do you know that there are things you don't remember? " Clarke asks in a cheeky voice. 

"You know what I mean. " Lexa laughs. 

Clarke blinks a few times, looking out through the window and closing her eyes as the sun hits her skin, making her almost invisible freckles stand out.

"What was it you called the thing where you can make people do things, " Clarke asks with a smile. 

"Compulsion. "

"Compulsion, " Clarke repeats, tasting the word. "It's scary. You know, you could be compelling me right now and I wouldn't know it, right? " 

Lexa nods a few times. 

"Well, not really. " Lexa looks at Clarke's pink cheeks. "I haven't been able to compel you for some reason. It's just not working, " Lexa says. 

"Really? "

"You've got something over you, Clarke. I can't break through it, " Lexa says. 

That makes Clarke smile even more, she feels special, Lexa can tell. Her ears turn red and she relaxes in her seat but lifts her chest and chin a little more, without even thinking about it. 

"You're killing me, Lexa. " Clarke whispers, Lexa hears it like she's screaming it to her.

***

Clarke's phone starts ringing as they leave the café. 

The screen reads 'Octavia'. Clarke can't deal with that right now, she's having the best day she's had in a long time. 

"If you could do anything, which you pretty much can, what would you do? " Clarke asks Lexa as she puts her phone away and "accidentally" touches Lexa's hand at they stroll down the street. 

Lexa laughs a little and lets her hand touch Clarke's too. 

"I'd take a break from being a vampire. I'd do something crazy and enjoy the adrenaline pumping through my body. I'd eat really good food and... "

"What? " Clarke asks. 

"I'd go on dates, let myself fall in love. " Lexa feels how the words are fragile as she says them. She can hear Clarke's heart beating a little faster. "And I'd take a really long nap. " 

They both laugh a little. 

"I'd take a break from everything, " Clarke says. "I'd go to some island somewhere no one will find me and I'd live there. I'd relax and I'd feel free and it'd be amazing. I would be happy. " Clarke smiles. They're standing near a small pond in the middle of the town square. More and more people are starting to walk in a out of little houses and buildings. 

"How long have we known each other? " Lexa asks, looking down at the bottom of the empty pond. It had hundreds of little coins, a wish attached to every single one of them. 

"Almost a week, I think. " Clarke says it with a light laugh. 

They're both thinking the same thing, this is crazy. 

"I'm happy you dropped your drawings, " Lexa says and puts her hand on the edge of the pond. 

"I'm happy you helped me clean it up. " Clarke smiles and puts her hand on Lexa's.

They're both so happy and terrified at this moment, they don't know which one takes up the most room in their chest. 

They don't care, really.

***

"What now? " Clarke asks as they walk down a small street. There're christmas lights and candles everywhere. The sky is dark with clouds and it looks like it's going to rain, something Clarke never experience in LA. The wether has been weird this month, it's been cold and cloudy. None of this is like LA normally is. 

"What do you want to do? " Lexa smiles. 

Clarke thinks for a little while and then she remembers something. 

"Come on, " She says and grabs Lexa's hand and pulls her with her. They walk in fast steps down the little street, they turn at a few corners and after about five minutes of walking all over the place, Lexa no longer knows where they are. 

But she doesn't care. All she cares about is how Clarke's hand is pulsating in hers and how the air suddenly feels cold against her skin and how her feet are starting to hurt. All of these little thing are all a part of something strong growing within Lexa's heart. 

Clarke suddenly stops and turns to look at her, a solid smile planted on her face. 

"What? " Lexa says slowly. Then, with a quick movement, she turns and looks at the building across the street. It has a dark red color on the front wall, a shining gold running through the metal pieces that are giving it so many details Lexa can't keep up. She looks at it and notices how there're no windows and how the two front doors are made of a dark glass, the lower half so dark you can't see through it. 

There are broken bricks and glass and trash in front of it. It's abandoned.

"It's a cinema, " Clarke says, her voice squeaking with excitement. 

"It's abandoned. " Lexa notes. 

"I know, Lexa. That's what makes it cool, dummy. " Clarke laughs. She looks down at their hands, neither of them have let go. 

"Do you hang out at abandoned movie theaters a lot? " Lexa asks, raising one eyebrow down at Clarke. 

"I used to go here with my dad, okay? Then he died and it closed and I didn't go anymore. " Clarke says it in a way Lexa didn't expect. Her voice is strong and hurt, like Lexa should've just known.

"I'm sorry, " Lexa whispers and strokes the back of Clarke's hand with her thumb. 

That makes Clarke look down at their hands, Lexa swear she sees a smile on Clarke's face. 

"Let's go inside. " Clarke smiles and before Lexa gets to say anything, she's dragging her with her through the glass doors. 

***

They sit down in the only room there is except for the entrance. It's big and there're at least one hundred seats. They're all made of red velvet, the floor is black and so are the walls. There're a few lamps stuck to the walls, most of them are smashed. There's a strong smell of dust and old furniture. 

Lexa breathes through her mouth. 

"It's not that bad, " Clarke says, giving Lexa a nudge with her arm. 

"I have a better sense of smell than a dog, " Lexa simply says. It makes Clarke laugh and then the familiar swoosh in Lexa's stomach returns. 

Then Clarke goes quiet as she looks at the big screen in front of them. They're in the front row so the screen looks even bigger and more intimidating than what Lexa had expected. Lexa notices how Clarke's heartbeat is pounding harder and harder and how her breathing is getting forced. She also notices how Clarke is sniffling a couple of times. 

But she doesn't know if she should say anything. Lexa may be about 90 years old, but she's never been good when it comes to comforting someone. So she holds Clarke's hand even tighter and wiggles her way a little closer to Clarke's seat, the only thing between them is the armrest. 

But Clarke seems to not care about that. She wiggles closer to Lexa as well and then she rests her head on Lexa's shoulder. 

She must hear how Lexa's breathing stops because then she lifts her head back up to look at her. 

"Is it okay? " She asks, clearly trying to force her voice to be calm. Lexa nods and smiles, so Clarke leans back down and closes her eyes. 

"Of course it is, " Lexa says and smiles.

***

Sometimes Lexa hates herself. 

She's not been in love or even close since she lost Costia. She's not even thought about that ever happening again, Costia was her everything. 

Then all of sudden she just hears a pretty voice and now she's head over heels crazy about this one girl. She hasn't even known her for more than a week. Anya has said that vampires fall in love much quicker than humans do, because they're emotions are heightened.

But this is insane. 

After about 20 minutes of Clarke leaning up against Lexa's shoulder, she sniffs one more time, uses her free hand to wipe her eyes and then gets up from the seat. 

"I needed that, " She says. Lexa thinks it's more to herself than to her. 

"Do you want to go? " Lexa asks as she gets up herself. 

"Yeah, I need to get home. "

"Sure. " Lexa smiles and follows Clarke out the front doors again. A few people look at them as they go out, but they don't really care. 

Clarke convinces Lexa that she can walk home alone since the forest is the exact opposite way than Clarke's house from here. So Lexa walks for a little while, just to get out of town, and then she starts running so fast she almost falls over when she stops outside her house. 

***

"You're home early, " Abby says. 

"So are you, " Clarke answers and drops her bag at the stairs. Then she walks into the kitchen, finds a few things to eat and pack it all on a massive plate. 

"Please tell me why you think it's a good idea to skip classes when you're already grounded? " Abby then asks, her voice is cold and hard and she doesn't even lift her eyes from the many pages she has put out on the kitchen island. 

Clarke stops and sighs loudly. 

"I'm not skipping classes, mom. They were cancelled. " 

"Really? Because you teacher Indra called and she told me that you misses a very important test today and that she wanted me to tell you that you've failed History. So please, Clarke, explain to me how that class was cancelled. " 

Now Abby is looking up from her papers, her glasses have fallen to the tip of her nose, she pushes them up with her thumb and index finger. 

Clarke puts her food on the counter and gives another sigh, just because she's not sure what else to say. 

"You were out with that girl, Lexa, right? " Abby asks, now sounding more concerned than before. 

Clarke rolls her eyes and sighs one more time, just to piss off her mother even more. That's always been her way of getting out of an argument, just annoy her so that she gives up and sends her to her room. 

"Clarke, look at me, " Abby says. "I'm punishing you to make you understand that what you did was wrong. Now you're making things worse by skipping classes to be with that girl. " 

"Mom, I didn't skip class to be with her. I skipped class to not be with Octavia, okay? We're in a fight or something- " 

"What about Bellamy? It's been so long since he's been here. I can give you some money for pizza if you want- " 

"Mom, no. Just... Stop, okay? Something happened and it's just not the time to "invite" them over. " 

"Talk to me, Clarke. Tell me what happened. I can't learn if you don't tell me. " 

"This is not something you have to learn. This is my life and it's falling apart and I know it sucks that I don't just tell you these things, but I just don't. I'm sorry, okay? But I have to figure these things out. Today was a shitty day and Lexa happened to be around. She made me feel less shitty, make that a bad thing if you want to. To me she's the closest thing I have to a friend at the moment. " 

Clarke takes a deep breath, grabs her food and drink and heads to her room. 

***

"Lexa. " 

Her stomach feels like ice, this can not be true.

"Didn't I tell you to- " 

She stops. 

"Who's that? " 

A girl with chocolate brown hair, golden skin and eyes a mixture of those colors is standing next to Anya. She's wearing a red bomber jacket and a pair of black jeans. Her leg is in a brace of some sort, it's decorated with tiny symbols and something's written on it. It's letters Lexa's never seen before. 

"This is Raven, " Anya says, her voice is low and shaky. 

"Okay, Raven, " Lexa says and shoots her another look. "What are you doing here? " 

Raven looks at Anya, Anya nods, then she looks at Lexa. 

"I'm here to fix the mess you're making, " She says. Her voice is deep and harsh. Her movements are slow and controlled and she acts like someone who knows everything. 

"What are you talking about? " Lexa asks and stands straight. She puts her hands to her waist and holds them there, she's read that it makes people look more in control of a situation. Now she knows that it at least doesn't make people FEEL more in control. 

"Yeah, you're about to ruin everything I've been working on for the past five years. So if you don’t mind, stop. “ 

Lexa doesn’t understand a thing. She’s only just got inside her house, and she’s already being accused of ruining something. 

"Explain, “ Lexa says and sits down on her coffee table, something she’s getting used to. 

“You’re about to fuck a human and that’s not- “

“Jesus, Anya. I said she could explain, not you. Raven, please. “ Lexa looks at Raven. 

There’s something about her and she can’t put her finger on it. Something strange, powerful. She’s not a vampire, Lexa can tell. Her heart is beating in a normal way and her movements show that she’s feeling uncomfortable. Lexa guesses it’s probably because right now there’re two vampires around her. 

“Okay, “ Raven says with a loud sigh. “I used to live here. I moved three years ago and now I’m back. I want to be with my friends again and when I came to see one of them, you might know her, she was hanging out with you. “ 

“Clarke, “ Lexa says breathlessly. 

“Bingo, “ Anya says and pops open a bottle of something strong. 

“Shut up, Anya, “ Lexa says without even looking at her. 

“What’s the problem? “ Lexa then asks and gets up from the coffee table again. 

“The problem is that I moved away from my friends to keep them safe. Now you’re about to mess everything up by screwing around with Clarke, “ Raven says everything with an angry tone in her voice. She’s obviously pissed. 

“I’m not… Screwing around with Clarke. We’re friends, okay? So knock it off with your protective mother thing and get out of my house, “ Lexa says. 

She gets up close and personal with Raven. She’s not in the mood for this, her emotions are already all over the place. 

“I am not afraid of you, “ Raven spits. 

“You should be, “ Lexa spits back and hisses, showing her fangs at the corners of her mouth. 

Then Raven laughs and Lexa can’t say that’s what she had hoped for. 

“I’ve killed hundreds of creatures like you. I am not afraid. “ 

“Sure you have, “ Lexa says. 

Then something sharp is going through Lexa’s head. She can feel the pain, but when she tries to grab the thing that’s going through her brain, she can’t feel it. It’s like it’s inside of her. It feels like burning string being wrapped around everything inside of her and something is pulling it, making it tighter. 

She screams in pain and falls to her knees. She bends over backwards, it’s like her bones are too long for her body. 

She looks up, Raven is standing with a wicked smile in front of her. Her hand is twisted tight and she’s whispering words Lexa doesn’t understand. 

“You’re a witch, “ Lexa says and screams. Her body is falling apart, she can feel it, she just can’t see it. 

“Stop it, Raven. “ Anya puts a hand of Raven’s shoulder, Lexa swears Anya is smiling. But then Ravens stops with a pleased look. 

“Leave Clarke alone or I won’t stop. “ 

“I won’t hurt her, “ Lexa says as she tries to get up, but she can still feel the leftover pain in her body. 

“You’re a vampire. You can’t control it once you’ve started. You will hurt Clarke, you might even kill her, and I won’t just stand here and watch. Leave her alone, Lexa. “

Then Raven spins on her heel and disappears through Lexa’s closed front door. 

“She’s pretty cool, huh? “ Anya laughs. There’s a sort of nervousness in her voice, something Lexa’s not used to hear. 

“I hate you, “ Lexa says and stumbles her to the couch. 

“Hate is a very strong word. “ 

“I loathe you, then. “ 

“Dramatic. Look, Lex. I’ve been doing a bit of thinking and maybe it’s a good idea to not get too attached to this girl. “ 

“What do you even know about her? “ Lexa breathes through the leftover pain in her body. She closes her eyes until it no longer hurts. 

"I know you. Lex, from the moment I saw the way you looked at her I just knew. Look, it took you so long to get over Costia. I don't want to see it happen again. Love is not a good thing for people like us. " 

"You turned your humanity off a long time ago, Anya. Don't tell me about emotions. " 

"True, " Anya says with a lifted eyebrow. "Just because I'm smart enough to not feel doesn't mean I don't remember how it felt to be in love. It's amazing, I know. But it's so dangerous and pointless, it does more pain than pleasure. Even if you don't kill her, she's going to die some day. She'll get old and die, Lexa. That's what happens. " 

"I don't want to listen to you anymore, Anya, " Lexa says and closes her eyes again, fighting back the tears. 

"Don't you remember how it felt right when Costia died? You flipped the switch, Lex. Even I didn't recognize you. You became this fucked up 'Commander of Death' type of person and it was horrible. It was fun for a little while, but then horrible, " Anya says and laughs. "Mostly horrible. "

"Anya, you don't get it. I'm not falling in love with her, I promise. I won't put her in any danger or anything like that. I'm her friend and she's mine, something I've missed. " 

Lexa doesn't believe the look on Anya's face. She almost looks hurt, but she can't be. If her humanity is off she shouldn't be feeling anything. Then again, Anya's always been going on and off with her feelings. 

"I am your friend, Lexa, " Anya says, pointing at herself as she takes slow steps towards Lexa. "I am the one who saved you- "

"You didn't save me! You let me die slowly! " Lexa yells with clenched teeth. 

"I'm not talking about when I turned you, Lexa! I'm talking about how miserable you were when you lived with that man! I came and I did what I had to do, I killed him. I got you out of that place and gave you an option to live. You would've died there, Lexa. You know that! " 

Lexa can't believe what she's seeing. Anya's crying, or at least tears are streaming down her face. 

"I fucking saved you. And you have done NOTHING for me! You have spent every single day for the past 70 fucking years, telling me how I've ruined everything for you! I care so much about you. I am not sorry for not giving you a chance to live longer, Lexa. And I am not sorry for turning you into something that killed your girlfriend. You did that, Lexa. No matter how horrible it was or how bad you feel, you killed her. Stop blaming me for it! " Anya screams as she crosses the room. 

Her words hit Lexa hard. It's things she's never thought about before, she's been so trapped in her mindset of blaming Anya for everything. She didn't think Anya cared about it, she had her humanity off most of the time. 

"I didn't flip the switch because I was hurt when someone I cared about died. I flipped it because of your reaction. You always looked at me in a way that made me feel like the bad guy. Like it always was my fault that I lost people. Lexa, you have no idea how much pain you've put me through. And I know, you've been hurt for so long. But... " 

Lexa opens her eyes and breathes slowly. 

"You've taken all of my shit to make me feel better. All these years and I didn't even question it. Fuck, Anya... I'm sor- " 

"Don't. It's fine. I just... I don't want to do this anymore, Lex. I'm so tired. " Anya drops to her knees on the floor and sits down. Lexa walks to her and sits down next to her. 

"Me too, Anya. I'm the one who's falling for a girl who's human, like, haven't I learned anything? " 

Anya laughs a little bit as she wipes away her tears. Lexa gets a little black line away from underneath Anya's eye. 

"Let's go get drunk, " Lexa says and smiles. 

"Drunk? Lexa? I don't even know you anymore. " Anya laughs. 

"Shut up. " They both laugh. 

Lexa didn't even realize how much she's missed this.


	8. Chapter 8

They spend about thirty minutes getting ready. After Lexa's tried about 20 dresses, she finally finds one Anya's happy with. It's a knee-length, tight, black dress. It has cutouts on the shoulders, leaving them bare, cutouts on the side of her stomach just above the hips and a deep back that ends right above her butt. 

Lexa lets her hair her go even crazier as Anya puts in products Lexa's never heard of before. 

"You know, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you're not allowed to look good, " Anya says as Lexa holds her breath. Anya's spraying something that Lexa's sure is bad for your lungs and she doesn't understand how humans tolerate it. 

Lexa leaves the bathroom as Anya gets dressed. 

After another ten minutes - Anya had sworn she was ready after two minutes - she gets out of the bathroom. 

"Close you mouth, " She says to Lexa who's sitting on the coffee table with her mouth wide open. 

"You look fucking hot, " Lexa says and takes another looks at Anya. 

Anya spins around so her long, red dress flows in the air elegantly. It has a split on the left leg and a wide neck. There's a cutout in the back in the form of a triangle. Her hair is put up in a braided ponytail and she's wearing jewelry Lexa knows she's had forever. 

"Really? It was just something I found. " Anya jokes as she puts on her heels. 

"Wait... " Lexa says, looking down at the pair of nude heels Anya's obviously trying to make her wear. 

"Please, Lex. You can at least try. " 

"I can't even crawl in these, " Lexa complains as she tries to take a step in the heels. They fit perfectly, which makes Lexa a bit concerned that Anya might know too many little details about her. 

"Let's go. I honestly could use a drink, " Anya says with a smirk. 

"Anya- " 

"I'm joking, Lexa. I promise not to drink anything other than alcohol. Keep up if you can, " She says and winks. Then she's out the door with a loud laugh and Lexa follows up right behind her. 

***

Lexa is surprised to see how it's already dark outside, the weather has been off for the past few days. 

Anya is talking to some guys as they stand in line, waiting to get in. Lexa has already told Anya that they could just use compulsion to get in, but Anya said that "It's a part of the experience to wait in line. " Whatever that meant. 

Now Lexa's standing with her arms crossed as she tries to be a part of the conversation going on next to her. Anya is giggling and fiddling with her hair and touching the guys' upper arms whenever she has the chance. And they're falling for with every cheap move she makes. 

"Anya, " Lexa says with a forced smile. "Please, can't we go in. " 

Anya nods and smiles to the guys. 

"Fine, " She whispers. "We'll see you guys later. " She giggles again and the two of them, Lexa and Anya, walk under the little chain there's been put up as a fence and over to the doorman. He's a tall guy with wide shoulders. He's bald and he's wearing dark sunglasses, even though it's pitch black out, except for the few lights on the wall next to the line. 

"Hey, handsome. " Anya smiles. "Mind if you let us in? " 

Then, the man looks at Anya and laughs. 

Lexa knows what's about to happen now, because Anya's face goes blank and her fists clench up. She takes a step closer to the man and grabs him by the collar on his black polo shirt. She pulls him in close so he almost stumbles from the sudden power. 

"Listen to me, big guy. You're going to let us in and there's not going to be a problem, " Anya says. 

The man nods and smiles, opening the door and letting them in. Lexa can hear the many people in line complaining and also talking about what the fuck just happened. 

The music inside is loud, even for humans. But for Lexa it's like the beat is inside her head. 

"You'll get used to it! " Anya yells through the music as they steps inside the big room filled with people. Anya instantly seizes for the bar and gives Lexa a pleading look. Lexa walks with her, tugging at the end of her dress. Now that there're more people she feels like it might be too tight or something. She doesn't feel right. 

Anya orders two of something called "Fire on fire". Lexa's never heard of it before, but when two massive red drinks with actual fire on top and little pineapple and mango pieces gets served right in front of them, she suddenly understands the name. 

"Chug it! " Anya yells and people are starting to look at them. To them, Anya and Lexa are just two girls, women, with way to big drinks. Lexa laughs and shakes her head, but then she remembers that she's the one who wanted to get drunk. So she looks at the drink, takes a deep breath and downs it within seconds. Everyone around them yell and scream and laugh, some even clap. 

"There you go! " Anya laughs and does the same thing, just faster than Lexa. 

***

Lexa can feel how her head is spinning and her legs feel too long for her body. She knows her eyes are all over the place, she can't focus. 

"Ya know, " Anya mumbles. "Vampires need a lot of alcohol to get drunk. " Her words are slurred and her eyes are closed. "And I think you an' I... We might've just emptied the bar. " She rolls on her 'r's and it makes Lexa laugh. 

"Let's go home, Anya. " Lexa yells even though the music is not so loud anymore. 

"Let's go visit your girlfriend, " Anya says and laughs. 

"She's not my girlfriend, dummy. " 

"Suuuuuure, " Anya says and wiggles her eyebrows. Then she grabs Lexa's hand and pulls her out of the bar. 

***

It's late but not super late. Well, it's around midnight and she's wide awake. She can hear her mom working downstairs and she thinks about how when she was younger, after her dad died, she'd go down to her and force her to go to bed. Now that she thinks about it, Abby probably just waited until Clarke would fall asleep and then she'd continue working. 

When her dad died Abby spend a lot of time working, even more than she does now. Clarke remembers how she never really saw her mom. She spend all of her time with her dad when he was off duty. She had spend so much time being angry with Abby, telling her that she should be gone and not dad. Now every words she ever said to her, every thing she ever blamed her of doing hurts deep inside of her. 

She wants to get out of bed and talk to her about it, she really does. 

But it's late and there's a reason why her mom is working. She has job and someone to look after, she has Clarke to look after. Clarke can't be selfish right now, she needs to think about how hard all the shit Clarke's doing is hitting her mother. 

So she turns to her side and thinks about everything between heaven and earth until she's asleep. 

***

"Anya, stop! " Lexa whisper-yells. She tries to drag Anya towards the forest and not towards the road that leads to Clarke's house. "I'm serious, Anya! Her mother is probably home, she already hates me enough. " 

"Ohh, did you get caught hooking up with her daughter? " Anya annoys.

"Shut up! We haven't, like, done anything. She's not even into me, Anya. And I'm not into her. "

"Well... You can't be, " Anya says, now her words aren't as slurred and she's walking straight along the road. "The witch, Raven, she won't let you be with Clarke. She'll kill you before you ever touch her again. " 

Lexa blinks a couple of times as she looks to the sky. It's dark and full of stars. She can't find the moon, it's hidden behind a few clouds. 

"I know, " Lexa says and breathes deeply. "Can we go home now? " 

"Okay, champ. " Anya smiles and hold Lexa's hand as they walk into the forest. 

***

"Mom? " Clarke pads Abby's arm until she wakes up. "Why are you sleeping on the couch? " 

"What? Oh, uhm. I just fell asleep last night. What time is it? " She asks and redoes her ponytail. 

"It's ten to eight. I'm leaving now, okay? "

"That's fine, Clarke. I'll see you later. Oh, and I'm working late today so maybe you could invite over some friends or something? There'll be 20 dollars on the kitchen counter of you need them. Bye, love you! " Abby calls as Clarke walks out. 

"Love you too! " Clarke calls back before closing the door. 

Outside it's misty and cold. Clarke digs her hands deep into her pockets and heads for the school. Her music is playing loudly in her ears as she walks down the road. She notices a few bottles of beer and vine have been smashed not far from her house. She doesn't think much of it and just keeps walking. 

"Clarke! " Octavia says and gets a firm grip on Clarke's arm. "We need to talk. " 

Clarke just nods along as Octavia drags her to the edge of the forest. The people around them are too busy talking about their weekend plans. 

"What is it? " Clarke asks, trying to avoid eye contact with her. That's her way of being mad at people, pretend like they're not even there. 

"Okay, you're still mad. Look, I'm over it. So can you be. "

"What!? You embarrassed me in front of everyone! " " Clarke yells but Octavia quickly hushes her. 

"Jeez, Clarke. It wasn't that many. Look, I'm sorry about not trusting you, but Bellamy is my brother and I just... He was right, sort of. You're not good with commitment and I just thought he was in a mood because of something you'd done or- " 

"Don't ever fucking talk to me again, " Clarke says and pushes her way past Octavia. 

But then she sees her. 

Then she looks straight ahead and notices the skinny girl with the brown ponytail and the brown skin and the brown eyes. She notices the wide smile and the teeth that are more white than she remembers. She notices the red jacket and the leg brace and the hands that are alway dirty from something she's been working on. 

She notices Raven. 

So she runs to her and hugs her so tight even Clarke can't breathe. But she doesn't let go. 

"Clarke, please. " Raven mumbles and laughs, trying to get loose from Clarke's grip. 

"Oh my God! " Clarke cries. "I can't believe it.. " She says, lets go to look at Raven and then hug her again, even tighter. 

"I'm dying, Clarke. If you don't let go I'll die, literally. " 

This time Clarke lets go and she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and smiles even wider. 

"What are you doing here? " Clarke asks, keeping her hands on Raven's arms. 

"I missed you guys, " Raven says. 

"Of course you did, " Octavia says and stands next to Raven and Clarke. 

Clarke sends a look of annoyance and Octavia send her one back. 

"What's up with you guys? " Raven asks and Clarke lets go of her. 

"Her brother yelled at me and told me I was a manipulative bitch in front of the whole school, " Clarke says. 

"He told you you hurt him and there were, like, 10 people- " 

"20! " Clarke says. 

"Shut up and let me hug you guys! " Raven says and pulls them both in for a tight hug. 

They all stop when the bell rings and Clarke and Octavia both look at the school entrance and then at Raven. 

"You can go. It's fine, really. I have some stuff I need to get done, " Raven says and puts her hands in her pockets. 

"Sure? " Clarke asks and Raven nods starting to walk away.

***

Lexa wakes up with a headache. That is something she never feels. Then she turns in the couch and looks at Anya who's laying on the floor by the door. Her eyes are swollen with sleep and she's snoring loudly.

"Shut. Up! " Lexa yells and throws a pillow at Anya. It hits her stomach so she turns to face the door and not Lexa. 

Lexa gets up from the couch with sleepy movements. Her head is buzzing and she feels like she's missing something. She look around her house, now she knows what it is. It's her memory. She doesn't remember a single thing from last night. All she remembers is the flaming drinks and then... Shit!

"Did we see Clarke? Anya! Tell me we did NOT go and visit her! Please! " Lexa says and kicks Anya's foot on the floor. 

Anya gets up slowly and blinks a few times, rubbing her eyes afterwards.

"We didn't. You were a party pooper and we went home. Why? Scared your girlfriend would get mad? " Anya says and walks to the kitchen where she pours herself a drink of whisky, no ice. 

"I'll let that one slide because you're obviously hungover and I'm guessing your humanity is off at the moment, " Lexa says. Anya lifts her glass with a wink and says "Bingo!" as she downs it.

"Let me in! " Someone calls from the other side of the door. Lexa looks confused at Anya and Anya shakes her head. 

"I didn't invite anyone, " Anya says and fills her glass again. 

"Me neither, " Lexa says and walks to the door. She's about to open it when it flies open, almost hitting her. 

"Too slow, " Raven says as she walks inside. 

"What the hell are you doing here? " Lexa asks, placing her hands on her hips. 

"Drop the act, fangs. " Raven spits. She walks into the living room and over to Anya. She takes one look at the glass and takes it from her, downing it. 

"Someone's playing tough, " Anya says, starring down at Raven. 

"I'm here to set some rules. I'm under the impression that you didn't really take me seriously yesterday. " Raven puts down the glass, ignoring the burning look Anya is giving her. 

"Rules? " Lexa asks, turning to look at Raven again. 

"Rule number one. Don't talk to Clarke ever again. Rule number two. Don't touch Clarke ever again. Rule number three. Don't look at Clarke ever again. If you break at least one of those rules I will end you the worst way possible. " 

"Threats, nice. " Anya laughs. 

"Are you in on this, Anya? " Lexa asks. 

"Well, maybe. I didn't know she was so... Angry, " Anya says and laughs. "Just do what she says and everything will be fine. She might be small, but as you saw yesterday... She's a fighter. " Anya says the last thing with her fist clenched in front of her in a mocking way. 

"Trust me, okay? I don't have any intentions of hurting Clarke. " 

"Maybe not now. But when you go crazy and flip your switch or you get a bit too hungry or happy or angry or sad... The next thing I'll see is Clarke's dead body. And if you don't mind, " Raven says. "I'm not in the mood of loosing anymore of my friends. " 

"Anymore? " Lexa asks. 

"Do we have a deal? " Raven asks. 

Lexa looks around the room, down at the floor and then back up at Raven. 

"Let me say goodbye. " 

"No way, " Raven says, she almost laughs. 

"If I don't say or do anything she'll just end up here and you'll end up killing me. You know her, Raven. She won't stop until I explain, " Lexa says. 

Raven stops and thinks, considers. 

"Tell her you can't keep doing whatever you were doing and that she has to leave you alone. Don't mention me or any of this. Or else I'll- " 

"You'll kill her, yeah. We get it. Halloween is over, witch-bitch. Go home, " Anya says. 

Raven turns around and looks at her. She twists her hand and Anya's arm breaks with a snap, her elbow bending the wrong way. 

"Goodbye. " Raven laughs as she disappears through the front door, smacking it behind her. 

"God! " Anya yells when she's gone. She stretches her arm completely, it snaps again and then it's healed. 

Lexa takes a deep breath, she's dreading this already.

"Are you angry with me? Again? " Anya says. 

"I am. But you're all I've got, " Lexa says. 

"Jeez, thanks Lex. You really know how to make a girl feel special, " Anya says. 

"Shut up and let's get something to eat. " Lexa gives her a light nudge with her elbow.

She's ready to do almost anything to not think of Clarke and saying goodbye to her right now.


	9. Chapter 9

When the bell rings and Clarke's last class is over, she stands outside the in the parking lot. After about two minutes Octavia shows up behind her. 

"Wanna go home and see Raven? " She asks cheerfully. 

"Sure you're not going to yell at me in front of a lot of people first? " Clarke sighs and starts walking down the steps of the school entrance and down the road. 

"Clarke, stop, " Octavia says, grabbing Clarke's upper arm. "I made a mistake, I know. But you can't blame me, really. Bell' is my brother and of course I want to protect him- " 

"From what?! Me? " Clarke turns and pulls her arm away from Octavia. 

"No! I... I don't know, Clarke. I thought that maybe he was really hurt and I finally had the chance to do something for him. He always helps me and I can't ever really be there for- " 

"Oh, shut up! Spare me for your guilt-filled bullshit, Octavia. Here's a little tip. When you're saying sorry, don't try and get out of the problem you've put yourself in. Just say sorry. " 

"I'm sorry, " Octavia says and looks at the ground. 

Clarke stops, sighs loudly and then looks back at Octavia. She thinks for little while and then smiles. 

"Not good enough, " She says and turns around. She walks away with fast steps.

"I'm sorry! " Octavia calls after her. 

"Leave me alone! " Clarke calls back, sticking her hand up in the air, only her middle finger pointing upwards. 

***

"That was awful, " Anya says and spits on the ground. 

"It was a deer, dickhead. It doesn't get any better, " Lexa says and wipes her mouth clean from the hunt. 

"Well... " Anya says, lifting her eyebrows and smiles. 

"Shut it, Anya. What now? " Lexa says and falls to the couch once they get inside Lexa's house. 

"Maybe you should talk to Clarke. " 

"Maybe you should shut- "

"Lexa, " Anya says and sits down next to her. She has a drink in her hand, of course. "It'll just get harder if you wait longer. Tell her now and do it gently but quickly. Just like- "

"Ripping off a bandage, I know. " 

"Oh, I would've said like draining a human body from blood, " Anya says and sips her drink. "But the bandage one is good. "

"You're sick, " Lexa says. 

"You're the one who invited me into your home. " 

"Touché, " Lexa says and smiles. 

***

Clarke doesn't get long before she sees Raven coming out of the woods. 

"What are you- " 

"Hey! " Raven says and hugs Clarke tight. 

"Hey... Raven, why where you- " 

"Doesn't matter, not important. Where's Octavia? " She asks. 

"Don't know, don't care. Let's do something fun. It's been, what, three years? I've missed you, really. " Clarke hugs her again, keeping her hands on her shoulders. 

"Me too. " Raven smiles and grabs Clarke's hand. 

"Why are you back? " Clarke asks as they stroll down the street, hand in hand like little children. 

"Uhm, I just missed you guys too much. I thought it was time to live up to the promise of meeting at least once a month, " Raven says and laughs. 

"Better late than never. " Clarke laughs and gives her hand a squeeze. 

The wind is picking up and clouds are starting to gather above them. Clarke now wishes she'd brought a jacket or put on a warmer shirt. She looks up and lets go of Raven's hand. 

"The weather has been messed up lately. Let's go back to my place, " Clarke says. 

It doesn't take long before they're standing outside Clarke's white house with the proud American flag on the front porch. It almost makes Clarke sick how traditional and boring their house is. She puts down her bag by the door, kicks off her shoes as she walks down the hallway to the kitchen and living room and crashes on the couch. Raven follows suit, though stopping in the kitchen to make some tea from them, like she always does. 

"So talk to me. What has little Raven Reyes been up to for the past 3 years? " Clarke asks and leans back with her tea once Raven's settled on her end of the couch. 

"Not much, really. I've been traveling a bit, you know. Las Vegas is a funny place, " She says and laughs. 

"Have you met any "friends"? " Clarke asks and shimmies on the couch, wiggling her eyebrows. They both burst out laughing and almost spill their tea. 

"Well... " Raven says and they laugh even more. 

"Who. Is. He. Tell me everything! " Clarke says, sips her tea and puts it down. 

"He's just, you know, nice. He's kind and funny. He's supporting me no matter what, almost. " She laughs. "He's just... Perfect. " 

"That makes me really happy, Raven, " Clarke says and touches her chest above her heart. "Is he hot? " She ask and they laugh a little more. 

"Super hot, " Raven answers. 

They continue talking about Raven's new boyfriend and Clarke finds out that his name is Finn and he's studying science and mechanic stuff - Clarke doesn't really understand the official terms for it. Clarke also finds out that Raven's been all over Las Vegas for 3 years. She's been doing online school in the many different hotel rooms she's been living in. Her favorite one is Hotel Treasure Island. It's big and bright and there's a pirate ship out in front of it. 

Raven talks about her studies and how she's doing really well. She talks about how she has a lot of assignments, but she also kind of likes that. She says she's really busy with a lot of things sometimes and other times she has nothing to do. She's been in and out of every single restaurant there is in Las Vegas, she's gambled and lost and won and then lost again. She's met people around town and she has a small friend group she hangs out with a couple of times a month. 

She talks about how Finn sometimes is really busy, but they make it work. She tells Clarke that he used to do a lot of bad things and after he was thrown out of high school and almost ended up in jail he decided that he needed to do something with his life. So he moved to Las Vegas to become a star and soon realized he wasn't good at anything star-related. So he started online school and that's where Raven met him. There's this online-school-Facebook-group and he made a funny comment on a post and Raven messaged him. 

When it gets dark outside there's a knock on Clarke's front door and she's sure it's her mother who forgot her keys at work or something. 

But when she opens the door and sees Lexa she's even more pleased and surprised. 

"Lexa, hey. " Clarke smiles, leaning up against the doorframe. "What's up? " She smiles even brighter. 

"We, uhm, we need to talk. " Clarke can't help but notice the discomfort in Lexa's voice and the way her eyes are trying to avoid hers. 

"Now? " Clarke asks, letting Lexa inside. 

"Yeah, now- " 

Lexa looks at the end of the narrow hallway and sees Raven. 

"Oh, uhm. This is Raven, Raven Lexa, Lexa Raven. " Clarke smiles. "She's one of my oldest friends. She moved a few years ago and just happened to be here now. " 

"How convenient, " Lexa says. Clarke ignores the monotone voice Lexa says it with. 

"Nice to meet you, " Raven says and holds out her hand for Lexa to shake it. But Lexa doesn't do anything, she just looks at it with a look that makes Clarke worry she might rip it off. 

"Everything okay? " Clarke asks, almost whispering it to Lexa. But Lexa doesn't even move her eyes away from Raven, she's just locked on her face with a dead look in her eyes. 

"Do you guys know each other? " Clarke asks and laughs nervously. 

"No- " 

"Yeah, " Lexa abrupts Raven with a smile. "We just met, you know. The way everyone does. In the forest and with a death-threat instead of a hello. It was wonderful, " Lexa says keeping her eyes on Raven. 

"What? " Clarke asks and looks back and forth from Raven to Lexa, over and over again. "What are you talking about? " She grabs the end of Lexa's sleeve because she doesn't know if Lexa would be okay with her grabbing her hand at this moment. And from the way Raven is looking at Lexa she doesn't know if she'd be okay with it either. 

"Explain, please. " Clarke looks at Lexa, trying to get her attention. 

"Yeah, Raven. Explain, " Lexa says. 

Raven grinds her teeth and sqints her eyes almost fully closed. 

"Sure, " She says without really opening her mouth. "I just told Lexa that she shouldn't be drinking as much as she did last night. " 

"What? " Clarke says, even more confused. 

"I happen to have seen Lexa walking out of bar last night. Well, I don't really know if you could call it walking. " Raven laughs and forces her look to fall on Clarke who's looking angry and surprised. 

"You were spying on me? " Lexa asks, taking a step forward and forcing Clarke to let go of her. 

"I wouldn't have to if you'd just leave her alone, " Raven says, taking a step forward as well. 

"You can't force me to do anything. I don't care that you're a witch and that you can hurt me. It's worth it, " Lexa says and looks at Clarke. She's taken a step back and she's leaning up against the railing of the staircase behind her. 

"Someone please explain what the HELL is going on! " Clarke yells. 

They both, Raven and Lexa, turn to look at her. 

"I'm saving you, Clarke. There's something I haven't told you and it's going to sound crazy, I know. But... I'm a witch, " Raven says, clearly waiting for Clarke's surprised face. 

"Oh, " She says and looks down. 

"Oh?! " Raven repeats, sending Lexa an evil glare when she starts laughing. "What the fuck do you mean by 'oh'? " 

"I mean... Well, okay. It makes sense, " Clarke says, shrugging a bit. 

"I can do magic, Clarke. I am magic! " She repeats. 

"Okay, " Clarke says and looks at Lexa and then back at Raven. "Tell me what's going on then. " 

Raven looks back at Lexa and stares at her again. 

"You fucking told her you're a vampire, didn't you? " Raven asks. Lexa smiles and nods. 

"Woops, " She says and laughs. "Mad that you didn't get your big reaction? "

"Both of you, stop! I'm about to go crazy if one of you don't tell me what the hell is going on. " Clarke shakes her head and waves her hands around the air, making her words clearer. 

"Fine, " Raven says and sighs. 

"Raven's scared I might hurt you so she told me to stay away from you just in case, " Lexa says. 

"It's for your own good! " Raven objects. 

"I won't hurt her! Jeez, use your little magic ball and look into the future or whatever you witches do. You'll se that I won't do anything to her, I promise! " Lexa says. 

Raven turns to look at her and starts whispering words under her breath. 

Lexa twists her hand and screams in pain, it's broken. She twist her wrist back and lets it heal within seconds. 

"Bitch, " She says. 

"Stop! " Clarke screams with her hands out in front of her. "Raven, please, I understand what you're saying and why you want to protect me... But this is Lexa and I know and trust her, okay? She's not going to hurt me. " Lexa is just about to say 'what did I say' but then Clarke turns and looks at her. 

"And Lexa, please. Understand that Raven is one of my best friends and she's just worried, okay? And, yeah, I get her. You are kind of a vampire and you do drink blood and yeah, you've killed someone. She's just scared and worried and that's okay. " 

Clarke turns to look at both them. 

"I won't stay away from you Lexa, not just because you tell me to, Raven. " 

"But- " 

"No buts, Raven. This is my life and I got this under control. Let me just enjoy you being back, okay? Don't let this be a problem, " Clarke says and takes her hand gently. Raven sighs and pulls her hand away with a nauseated look on her face. 

"I can't, Clarke. This is a problem, " She says. "I'm leaving. I can't be anywhere near a creature like that. " She spits and before anyone gets to say anything she's out the door. 

"I'm sorry, " Lexa says and looks at Clarke. 

"It's okay, she'll get over it eventual... " Clarke's voice dies out as her mind goes through the past 10 minutes. "Wait, " She says. "You said we needed to talk and you had already talked to Raven. Were you going to tell me that we couldn't hang out anymore? " 

"Uhm... " Lexa mutters as she looks around the room. 

"You totally were! So because some witch who happens to be my best friend told you to stay away from me... You just would? "

"Well, " Lexa says. "She did torture me until I agreed, so it wasn't that easy to convince me. " Lexa laughs but she can see that Clarke doesn't find any part of this funny. 

"She tortured you? What the hell! She leaves for three years to go to Las Vegas and then she thinks she can just come back and- " 

"Hold up. Las Vegas? " Lexa asks. 

"Yeah, why? " 

"Uh, " Lexa says and looks at something behind Clarke. "Nothing. It's just an odd place to choose to move to, I guess. " 

"It is, " Clarke says confused. 

"Look, I better get going, okay? I'm meeting Anya later and I don't want to piss her off already. " 

"You're friends with Anya again? " Clarke asks. 

"It's a long story, but yeah. Maybe you could talk to you friends? Octavia and- "

"Knock it off, Lexa. I'll see you later. " Clarke puffs and leaves the hallway to go to the kitchen. The next thing she hears is the front door opening and closing soon after and then everything's quiet. 

It's only know she notices how much her hands are shaking. It's only know she realizes that her best friend for years is actually a witch and she didn't even realize until now. 

All she needs now is for Octavia to tell her she's a fucking mermaid or something. 

***

"How did it go? " Anya asks and throws out an empty blood bag from the freezer in Lexa's house. 

"Raven was there. I told Clarke the truth about what Raven had wanted me to do and Clarke got mad at Raven and now they're angry with each other. They're best friends and Clarke is already in a fight with her other friends. I'm ruining everything for her and she's not even realizing it's me. "

"That's why you gotta end it with her, Lex. I know it sucks, but this is the best thing to do... For both of you, " Anya says, padding Lexa on the back once she's settled on the couch. 

"I need to ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth, " Lexa says, starring blankly ahead. "What's with you and Las Vegas? "

Anya jumps a little and tries to calm down again by forcing her breathing to go slowly. She ends up almost choking on the air, which just makes Lexa even more interested. 

"I like to gamble, " Anya says and lifts her shoulders. 

"The truth, Anya. " 

"Okay, fine. As you know, every time I flipped the switch and went crazy I'd go to Las Vegas. That's because... " She takes a deep breath and cracks her neck a few times. "There's a witch coven in Las Vegas, Lexa. And yes, Raven is a part of that. That's were I found her after you threw me out. I knew I needed help and it had to be from someone strong and scary. Raven was the first one who popped into my head. She moved away because she couldn't control her powers. Now she can and she wants to help her friends- " 

"I don't care about her, Anya. I want to know why some witch coven is important to you, " Lexa says, closing her eyes in frustration. 

"Look, Lexa. I'm old, like, super old. There're just things I do for no reason because it's what I've done for years and now I no longer remember it, okay? Relax a little, " Anya says and giggles, taking a sip from her drink, Lexa didn't even realize she was still drinking until then. 

"I want to now, Anya. " 

"Boo freaking hoo, " Anya says and laughs, downing her drink. "Let's party, " She says. 

"Just because I'm sorry about what I've done to you, doesn't mean I've forgiven what you've done to me, Anya. I'm still pissed about you killing humans and leaving me to clean the mess up after you. I'm still pissed that you've done nothing but try and push me over the edge for the past 70 years of my life. I'm still pissed that you've now pretty much ruined my chance of having someone in my life who brings me nothing but joy. I still secretly hate you, " Lexa says. 

"It's not a secret if you tell me, dummy. " Anya laughs.

***

Clarke doesn't what she's the most upset about. Is it the fact that her best friend never told her she can do actual magic and that she's now trying to scare one of Clarke's only friends who wants to do her good. Or is it the fact that the girl she really likes, the girl she's told things she's not told anyone else, would be so easy to convince to leave her alone. 

She tries to put herself in Lexa's place and she's sure that she would need a lot more than a little pain to give up on Lexa. 

She puts down the pizza slice and changes the channel. Her school books are spread out in front of her, she hasn't even opened them yet. They're just there to judge her. But she can't focus on school, not right now. Not when her friends are two magical creatures and she's in the middle like some ridiculous magic-triangle. 

She turns off the TV and lays down on the couch, closing her eyes and focusing on the darkness once her breathing has settled. 

Clarke can feel how something is filling her up from the inside, like it's trying to push her out. She's always felt like this, like there's something wrong within her. She can feel how her chest rises her falls, following her breathing. She can feel how her fingers tingle and how her feet are cold. She can feel how her face is hot and her eyes start to hurt from holding back the tears. Her throat is closing and she feels like she can't breathe properly. 

Finally she lets go. She lets herself cry about everything. She thinks about her friends and how she wishes everything could just be normal and okay and then she thinks about her dad and how much she misses him. She's spend so much time trying not to think of him, but ever since she met Lexa she's talked about him more than she has since he died. She can feel a pit in her stomach, a hole in her heart of where he used to be. 

She lost a part of herself when she lost him. 

She only stops crying when she falls asleep and even in her dreams she can feel the burning pain. There's no way for her to get out of it, it'll always be there. 

She just has to make sure not get swallowed by it. 

***

"Is it going to be like this forever, Lex? " Anya asks. Neither of them have said anything for at least an hour now. They're both just sitting on the couch, staring at the wall in front of them. 

"Like what? " 

"Like this. You and I will fight all the time until one of us says sorry. Then something new happens and we'll fight again, say sorry and then something new happens again. Because I don't want that. " Anya sighs, she's fiddling with her empty glass, then placing it on the coffee table. 

"I don't know. I don't want to fight, but I can't just pretend like I'm okay with what you do, " Lexa says and turns to look at Anya. 

"Why not? I would- " 

"No, you wouldn't. Clarke is literally an example of that. I know my friendship with Clarke is doomed, I'm not stupid. She'll grow old and die eventually and I'll have to move on. But you've decided not to be able to accept that and now you're ruining it for me, Anya. Imagine if I told you that you no longer could drink blood from humans otherwise I'd kill myself, " Lexa says. "I'd be giving you a choice, but no matter what you couldn't win. If I leave Clarke alone I'll lose her and- " 

"Lexa, stop. I... I need to tell you something. "


	10. Chapter 10

"What? What is it? " Lexa asks as Anya turns on the couch to face her. 

"Don't get mad, okay? But I've kind of forgotten to tell you something... Something pretty big. " Anya breathes deeply, as if she's trying to collect enough air to get through her next sentence. 

"What is it? " Lexa spits out the words in fury. 

"Clarke is not really... Human. She has a sort of gift, I guess. It makes her immune to compulsion and magic and all of that. That's why you probably haven't been able to compel her, right? "

"What? What are you talking about? " Lexa doesn't understand. She can feel her head going through Anya's words and nothing makes sense. 

"Listen to me, Lex. The coven in Las Vegas, the witches there, they've been studying people like Clarke for centuries. Clarke is a part of a group, I guess, who cannot be affected by magic or anything supernatural. When Raven found out, I think 5 years ago, she tried to pretend as if it was nothing. But I guess it got too hard for her and after 2 years she moved away. She went to Las Vegas to be with the coven... And to keep Clarke safe. The witches... They don't treat people like Clarke too well and Raven wanted to make sure they never found out about Clarke. "

Anya cracks her knuckles and blinks a few too many times. 

"She moved away to keep anything supernatural away from Clarke. I've known the coven for centuries now and that's why I've always gone back to them whenever I had the chance. I quickly guessed that Clarke was important- "

"How? " Lexa asks. 

"Well, when you know people like her exist they're not really that hard to notice. It's like you can see it, Lex. The... The shield around her, it's keeping her safe from people like us, like you. I was going to tell the coven, I brought a picture and her name and everything. But Raven found out and she made me keep it secret. She told me that Clarke was important to her and listened. She convinced me, Lex. So I brought her back here to tell you to stay away from her- " 

"But why? I don't understand... I don't get why you wanted to out Clarke like that and then suddenly change your mind just because some witch tell you to! " Lexa yells and gets up from the couch. She places her hand on her forehead and walks around the living room. 

"I don't know either, Lex. I thought I'd help the witches because they... They're the ones who helped be turn on my humanity when I couldn't control it. I thought I owed them something. Then Raven opened up my eyes to see what they really were doing. They don't want people like Clarke to be on earth, Lex. They don't want their magic to be limited. I thought they were just studying them in a way, I don't know. I didn't care. All I know is that Raven wants you to leave Clarke alone for Clarke's own good. She knows you won't hurt her, but she also knows that if Clarke ever gets outed... The coven will come for her and she'll just be another test subject. " 

Lexa can't believe it. 

"But... What if they never find out about her? What if they just... Don't know? It'll be fine, I'll protect her and so will Raven! " 

"Lexa, please. Just... Understand. Clarke is special in a way that's just... " Anya takes a deep breath. "It's for her own good, Lex. Keeping her away from all things supernatural will enhance her chances of never being noticed. Plus, you won't have to see her grow old and die. You won't have to be hurt like that. " 

"No... No, no, no, no... No! This is not true! You're lying, Anya. Clarke is human and you're making this up just to convince me to stay away from her! This is... This is ridiculous! " Lexa yells and points her fingers at Anya. 

"Listen to me, Lexa! It's the best thing for both of you! I have spend years thinking they were doing good things... In just a couple of days Raven made me see how horrible they are! I didn't want to believe it either, trust me. But they're bad people and they do bad things. Just because you or Raven or anyone tell them to stay away from Clarke, doesn't mean they will. Lexa, this is their way of surviving. I know this sucks, okay? But there's only one thing to do if you wan to keep Clarke as safe as possible, " Anya says. 

"No... " Lexa breathes the words and covers her face with her hands. "God! " She screams and kicks the wall. It leaves a small indent in the wood and her foot hurts for a few seconds. 

"Calm down, Lex. " Anya tries, but Lexa pushes her hands away and runs out the door. 

***

"Lexa? " Clarke says when she sees her stand outside her little cabin. The wind is blowing all around her and she's wearing an old coat she hasn't needed ever since she was in Minnesota a year ago.

Lexa stops dead in front of her, she has a crazy look in her eyes and Clarke notices her much her hands are shaking. 

"Hey, what's happening? " Clarke asks and takes a step closer to her, but Lexa holds out her hand to stop her. 

"Please... " Lexa mumbles, her voice shaking almost as much as her hands. 

"Lexa, " Clarke says and keeps walking. "It's okay, it's just me. Talk to me, please. " 

"Clarke, don't. " Lexa tries, but Clarke keeps walking. She doesn't want to stay away, she wants to help Lexa. 

Clarke hers a swoosh and now Lexa's no longer standing a few feet in front of her but at least teen feet behind her. 

"Lexa- " 

"Clarke, stop. I mean it, okay? I'm all over the place right now and I can't think clearly and you shouldn't be here, because- " 

"Hey! " Clarke says and walks to Lexa with faster steps this time. "Breathe, okay? It's all right. Everything is okay, just talk to me. " 

Clarke places her hand of the end of Lexa's sleeve and holds it tight between her fingers. She lets her hands slide down to hold Lexa's making it stop shaking as much. She lets her eyes fall on Lexa's wet cheeks and on her seat forehead and her flustered eyes. She lets herself take another step towards her and feel how Lexa holds her hand tighter now. 

"It's okay, " Clarke whispers, because she's afraid she might scare Lexa away. She looks and feels so fragile right now. This big, bad vampire she's seen earlier is now standing in front of her with a terrified look in her eyes, something's changed and Clarke wants to know. But she doesn't want to ask, in case it makes Lexa freak out again. 

"Let's go inside, " Clarke says and smiles, making sure not to let go of Lexa's hand. 

"Anya... She's there. " Lexa mumbles and nods towards the house. Clarke turns and looks at the door, it opens and out comes a tall girl with brown her and sharp eyes. 

"You must be Clarke, " She says. 

***

"Do you need anything? " Lexa asks, clearly trying to fill the awkwardness in the room. 

"I'm fine, thank you. " Clarke smiles and turns to Anya again. "So you're the one who kills people? " 

"You're brave, little girl. Maybe you should think about how you're the only human here and I haven't had dinner yet- " 

"Anya! " Lexa shoots, almost dropping the glass of cold water she's getting for Clarke, even though she didn't want anything. 

"Sorry, forgot this one's yours. " Anya laughs a wicked laugh until Lexa sends her another angry look and then she shuts up. 

"Clarke, " Lexa says and sits down on the coffee table. Clarke's sitting on the couch and Anya's standing behind it. "I need to tell you something, " Lexa says. 

"What? " Anya says in surprise. 

"She needs to know, " Lexa says. 

"No, she doesn't. That's the whole deal, dummy! " Anya yells. 

"What? What is it? " Clarke asks. 

"Nothing, blood bag. " Anya says and laughs. 

"Bitch, " Clarke whispers and sits back down again. 

"Anya, please leave. I need to talk to Clarke. " 

"Not if you're going to ruin everything! " 

"I won't, Anya. I'll... I'll tell her, " Lexa says and shoots Anya a look that she has to understand. 

"Oh, " Anya says suddenly. "Okay. " 

Once Anya's closed the door and Lexa's sure she's gone she sifts uncomfortably on the table and takes a deep breath. 

"Something has happened and... Things have changed, Clarke, " Lexa says. 

"What do you mean? " Clarke asks, her voice is shaking as if she knows where this is going. 

"I mean that... I won't hurt you, I never will. But other people can and they will and the way for you to be safe is if you don't have anything to do with me, " Lexa says. 

"What? " Clarke says and laughs. "You're joking, right? You have to be. Because if I remember correctly we literally just talked about how you would keep me safe from... From whatever! What changed, Lexa? " Clarke places her hand on Lexa's knee and rubs her thumb over it gently. 

"Everything, " Lexa says with her eyes closed. "Everything has changed, Clarke. There are people who're scared for their life and they're willing to probably do anything to stay alive- "

"What does that have anything to do with me? With us? " She says the last thing slowly as she lets her hand fall to Lexa's thigh. 

"Clarke, " Lexa says, trying to concentrate on the important thing here. "There are witches who will kill you if they find you. And you... Being with me, well. It just makes everything ten times more risky. People will talk about the vampire who fell in love with a human and you'll be known and they will find you and- " 

"Wait... " Clarke says. "Fell in love? " 

"I... " Lexa studders. "I mean, you know. I- " 

But she doesn't get to say anything else, because Clarke's lips on hers is stopping her from trying to clean up the mess she's made. She feels how Clarke's hands fall on Lexa's face and the slide down to Lexa's jaw. Lexa finds Clarke's waist and holds her tight, lifting her from the couch and to her lap with a quick movement. Clarke lets out a deep breath from the surprise and Lexa can't help but smile. 

It's the little things that Lexa does that takes Clarke by surprise. 

Clarke has never felt like this before, like whatever she's doing she could be doing it forever. As if nothing in the world could stop her from kissing Lexa. She feels how her cheeks are getting hot and red and how lips feel puffy and her heart is beating out of her chest. 

She thinks about if that might even be possible, but then Lexa lifts her up so Clarke's legs are on either side of Lexa's waist. Then she feels the air against her skin as Lexa runs to the nearest wall, letting Clarke's back hit it with a slight pain. 

"Sorry, " Lexa says between kisses. 

"Nothing to be sorry about. " Clarke giggles and kisses her back even harder, locking her legs together and feeling Lexa push against her. She lets out a strangled breath and another giggle, leaving Lexa's heart to crazy from the sound of it. She kisses her harder and harder and she feels like time is stopping but also going by, not in seconds but in hours. Like everything is going to fast, but so slow at the same like.

She gets a firm grip of Clarke and runs to the couch, letting her fall against the soft cushions. Clarke grabs the fabric of Lexa's shirt and pulls her down with her. She kisses Lexa from the corner of her mouth to her chin, jaw and neck. Leaving invisible marks as she goes down to her collarbone and then Lexa grabs her waist again moves so quickly the next thing Clarke sees is she's the one bending over Lexa and Lexa's the one laying down on the couch. 

"Cheap move, " Clarke says and Lexa grins in response. 

They keep going like this until Clarke's phone starts ringing. Clarke is lying with her head against Lexa's chest. Lexa has her fingers tangled up in Clarke's blonde hair and a grin on her face she can't seem to get rid of, not that she wants to. 

Clarke sighs loudly, not even thinking about picking up her phone from wherever it has landed. She doesn't even remember it falling out of her pocket in her jeans.

"You should pick it up, " Lexa says. She picks up from the floor next to the couch without even looking at it. 

"It's me, " Clarke says and sighs since she's got the phone by her ear. 

"Where are you? I'm outside your house. "

"Raven, hey. I... Uhm, well. I'm not home- "

"Obviously not. What are you doing? " 

Lexa laughs a little and Clarke hits her "gently" with her elbow. 

"Who's that? " 

"It's just.. " Clarke takes a deep breath and sits up, almost pushing Lexa out of the couch. "It's Lexa, okay? " 

"Clarke... " Raven sounds disappointed. 

"Can't we just talk tomorrow? " Clarke asks but Raven's already hung up. 

Clarke throws her phone to the ground and wishes she'd never taken it from her mom's office. That's were she's been hiding it ever since she took it from her. 

Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke's waist and lets her fall back into her, enjoying the scent she brings with her. 

"You didn't rip my head off when you kissed me, " Clarke says and laughs a little. 

"I didn't, " Lexa says. 

"That's one problem down. "

"Only a million to go. " Lexa kisses the top of Clarke's head.


	11. Chapter 11

They spend the entire night like that, wrapped up in each others arms and pretending that everything's okay. Clarke texted her mom and told her that she's sleeping at Octavia's place tonight and she'll be home some time tomorrow. She ignores how annoyed she gets when her mother doesn't care. Apparently she's only grounded when she's with Lexa. But Clarke doesn't think she's ever been this happy that it's now the weekend and she doesn't have to think about school or anything like that, not for a little while anyway. 

"Morning, " Lexa says when she walks through the front door. Clarke mumbles something and turns to look at her from the couch. She's wrapped up in a blanket and her teeth are almost clasping together. 

"Next time we'll sleep at my place. At least we have heat there, " Clarke says and sits up. Lexa laughs and runs her hand through her hair, it's hanging loosely around her head and over her shoulders, like a curly curtain. 

"Hungry? " She asks and laughs when Clarke's eyes light up. "Let's go get some breakfast. " 

"Nooo, " Clarke says and lays down again. "Can't we just order something to go? Please! I'm so tired, " She says dramatically and places the back of her hand against her forehead and pretends to faint, but she's already laying down so she just closes her eyes and stays quiet. Then she feels the weight of Lexa's body against her own and she moves to give her room enough to lay down next to her. 

"I'll go get something, " Lexa says and smiles. "I won't be long. " Clarke kisses the tip of her nose, because Lexa looks like she wants to do the same to Clarke, but she's not sure if she should. But Clarke doesn't care. 

"I'll be waiting, " Clarke says and chuckles until Lexa kisses her deeply. When they stop and Clarke opens her eyes she's gone with the familiar swoosh from the air behind her. 

Shit, Clarke thinks and rubs her eyes. She can't stop smiling, this is ridiculous. 

She gets up from the couch and looks around. She walks to the bookshelf and goes through the massive collection of old books. None of them look like they've been opened for years, a thick layer of dust is covering the top of the pages. She looks at some old photos Lexa has hanging on the walls. Some of them are of her and Anya, Clarke notices how happy Lexa looks. She also notices how Lexa's hair has always been big and crazy. 

She feels so captured by how different Lexa looked so many years ago. One of the photos has the number 1956 written at the bottom right corner of it. It's of Lexa standing in the middle of a big, white room. She's wearing a long, puffy dress with polka dots all over it. She has a slim belt around her waist and her hair is being held back in a massive, tight bun. Little dark curls are sticking out of it, as if to show that they cannot be tamed by some silly hairband. 

Lexa looks like she's not sure what do with herself. She's smiling, but she's not looking into the camera. The photo is black and white, but there's a brownish tone going over it, making it look even older than it is. 

Clarke's eyes drift past the photos hanging on the walls around Lexa's house and end up on a big box. She opens it and looks inside. Old books and papers look like they've just been dropped in it. She reads the different numbers on the covers of the book and quickly guesses they're diaries. She closes the box, not wanting to intrude on Lexa's personal life, but also feeling quite intrigued to see what's going inside Lexa's head. 

"You're still here, " Anya says and laughs. 

Clarke quickly turns around and looks at her. 

"I am, " She says and takes a deep breath. 

"Nervous now that little Lexi isn't here? " Anya laughs and pours herself a drink. "Thirsty? " 

"No, thank you. " 

"Oh, too bad. I sure could use a drink. " She laughs again, this time louder and without breaking eye contact with Clarke. Clarke can feel how her hands are getting sweaty and how fast her heart is pumping. 

"Don't worry, little lady. I could never even dream of hurting you. You're Lexa's new favorite toy, " Anya says. 

"Toy? " 

"Yeah, well. You know, Lexa's new little... Thing. She's been so bored the past couple of years and- " 

"I'm not dumb, you know. You're trying to make me mad at Lexa so I'll leave her alone, you're trying to scare me. What a friend you are, really. " Clarke spits. "Lexa's told me a lot of things about you and what you've done. The fact that you want ME to leave her alone is actually quite funny. You've been such a horrible impact on Lexa's life for more than 70 years and now you're telling me, someone who makes her happy, to leave her alone. " 

Anya puts down her drink and runs towards Clarke, stopping only inches away from her. 

"Don't tease me, child. " Anya spits. "I am not in the mood for your games. Maybe if you weren't one of the Gifted then I'd let Lexa have a go at the whole falling-in-love-thing. I am not here to hurt Lexa. I am here to make sure you don't get her into some big trouble and ends up turning off her humanity. " 

"I am not "gifted", " Clarke says. 

"You don't get it, do you? " Anya laughs. 

"What? "

"This is really some Romeo and Juliet bullshit this is, " Anya says. "There are witches out there who wants people like you dead. If you stay with Lexa people will find out, because she's a vampire and you're "human". People will talk and people will notice you. The witches will come and they will get you. Lexa will go crazy because she "oh, so in love with little Clarky" and then it'll hurt too much so she'll turn off her humanity. She'll go nuts and I'll have to spend however long making sure she doesn't kill anyone. Because if she do, then she sure as hell won't come back from that and I'll have lost my best and only friend. " 

"But- " 

"So if you don't mind, princess. Leave Lexa alone for her own good, it'll be the best for both of you. Trust me, " Anya says and laughs. 

Clarke closes her eyes to let it all sink in and when she opens them again Anya's gone, only the sound of the front door being slammed shut letting her know that that did in fact happen. 

***

When Lexa walks through the front door, balancing a cardboard box with waffles, some juice in a cup and little boxes with sirup in them on one arm, she finds Clarke standing stuck in the middle of her living room. She puts down the food and drink on one of the kitchen counters and then walks up to her. 

"Everything okay? " She asks, smiling slightly nervous.

"Mhm, " Clarke says, mumbles actually. Her eyes are starring straight ahead and Lexa doesn't understand why. 

"It's not that cold, Clarke. You shouldn't be frozen stuck to the floor, " She says jokingly, but Clarke only gives a slight smile before ripping her eyes away from whatever she was looking at. 

"I... I don't feel so well, actually. I think I'll just go home, sorry. " Clarke heads for the door before she even gets to finish her sentence. 

"Did I do something wrong, Clarke? " Lexa asks, running to stand in front of the door. 

"What? No, of course not. I just feel a bit dizzy. " 

"Clarke, " Lexa says, but Clarke just heads out of the door without even looking back at Lexa. 

Lexa doesn't understand, she feels like there's nothing she understands at the moment. Maybe Clarke had changed her mind about wanting to kiss Lexa, but that doesn't really make sense. Clarke was the one who kissed Lexa last night and she also kissed Lexa this morning. Maybe she thinks Lexa didn't want her, even the thought of that makes Lexa's heart hurt. Because she's never felt more sure about wanting anything or anyone ever. 

She can still smell Clarke's scent and how it's trapped in the cushions on the couch. She can also smell the waffles and, now warm, orange juice in the kitchen. 

"Morning! " Anya says cheerfully as she walks inside after Lexa's almost fallen asleep on the couch. "What a magnificent day, isn't it? " 

"Get out, please. " Lexa growls and turns so she's facing the back of the couch. 

"Now, mr. Grinch, don't be so moody. What is up with you this time? " Anya laughs and Lexa can hear how she's pouring herself another drink. 

"Nothing. Just leave... And stop drinking all of my alcohol, get your own. " 

Anya laughs. "Oh, please, Lex. What's happened? How did it go telling Clarke to bugger off? " 

Lexa turns in the couch and sits up, keeping her eyes closed and pretending like all of this isn't really happening. 

"It went perfect. Never felt better about anything, " Lexa says. "Now leave. " 

"What happened? " Anya asks and Lexa can tell she's put down the glass and is now sitting on the end of the couch. Lexa looks at her and notices how serious her eyes are. She almost truly looks concerned. 

"Well, if you really want to know. I was going to tell her and then, well, we ended up doing something else. " 

"Ew! " Anya yells and gets up from the couch. 

"No, not that, idiot. We just... Kissed. " 

"Jeez, choose your words with care, Lex. " 

"Look, I tried to tell her, but she didn't care, Anya. She... She didn't even think twice about the witches. It's like none of these things that should scare her away work. " Lexa laughs. "She wants to be here... With me, " She whispers. 

"She's human, Lex. Don't do this to yourself! You might as well eat wood. " 

"She stayed the night and then I left to get breakfast and when I came back she was acting really weird and... " Lexa stops, and thinks about what happened. She thinks about how Anya conveniently came soon after Clarke had left and how she's in such a good mood. She thinks about how Anya doesn't seem surprised about the fact that Lexa told Clarke about the witch coven - or at least tried to tell her. 

"You son of a bitch! " Lexa yells. "You fucking came here and told her something, didn't you? You scared her away! " 

"Don't be ridic- " 

"You have got to be kidding me, Anya. After everything? You're just unbelievable- " 

"Fine! I told her what you should've told her, dummy. I told her that if she stays you'll both end up dead somehow and I'm not up for that. I gave a choice and she left, okay? Don't blame me for this- " 

"Anya! " Lexa screams and gets up from the couch, grabs Anya's neck and runs to smack her up against the wall to the bathroom. "I love her, " Lexa whispers, tears hurting the corners of her eyes, daring to fall down and leave wet marks on her cheeks. 

Anya's eyes go from angry to concerned. She looks like a light suddenly was turned on inside of her head. 

"I'm sorry, " She says. Lexa can't believe it, she's crying. Anya's crying. 

"Your humanity... " Lexa mutters and lets go of Anya, letting her fall to the ground again. 

"It's on, okay? Even when I feel things I'm still a shitty person. Now you know, " Anya says, rubbing at her neck where Lexa's hand was. 

"How long... " 

"Ever since I went to Las Vegas a few days ago, Lexa. The coven got it back on and... Do you really love her? " 

"I do, " Lexa says, more to herself than Anya. 

"And this is not just extreme vampire emotions, right? " 

"It probably is. " Lexa laughs. "But I do love her, somehow. " 

"I'll talk to Raven, " Anya says. 

"What... Why? " 

"Because, dummy. If you love her then I don't want to be the one to ruin that for you. You can do that in 60 years when she's on her deathbed. " 

Lexa sends her an annoyed look, but it's filled with gratitude too. 

"Thank you. " 

"Don't thank me yet. Raven is still determined to kill you if you stay with Clarke, " Anya says. 

"It'll be worth it. "

***

Clarke comes home and Raven's there. She's sitting on her bed upstairs. 

"Abby let me in, " Raven says. Clarke heard how Abby was downstairs, listing to classical music as she works in her office. 

"So? " Clarke sits down on the bed and breathes out deeply. It felt like the longest walk from Lexa's house and home. 

"So, " Raven says. "I don't know how to convince you that what you're doing is a bad idea. They're killing machines, Clarke. They kill people to survive. It's in their nature. " 

"I know. And I know that it's crazy how I'm not running away from her, screaming. But there's something inside of me telling me it's okay. That she's one of the good ones and that I just have to be with her. It's like she's the thing I've been looking for all my life. You know how when I was younger I always talked about how I just felt so wrong all the time? Well, when I'm with her I don't feel like that. I can't explain it, Raven. But she's healing me, " Clarke says and lays down on the bed, feeling the soft fabric of her velvet blanket beneath her. 

"She's a killer, " Raven whispers, pain in her voice as she says it. "She's killed people, Clarke. I don't understand how you can see through that. She is literally the reason why a mother and a father and friends had to loose someone. She's the reason people out there have had to say goodbye before being ready. Imagine how you mother would react if you died, Clarke. Lexa forced someone to react like that at one point. I just don't understand how you're okay with it. " 

"I'm not, of course I'm not. Lexa killed a girl that she loved and she's been hurting over it for 70 years, Raven. Not a single time since then has she even tasted human blood. She had just been turned and she couldn't control herself- " 

"What if suddenly can't control herself again and you're nearby? What if she just snaps and looses it, Clarke? I know she doesn't want to... But as I said, it's in their nature to kill people. That's what they do, " Raven says and lies down next to Clarke. Her long brown hair falls on the pillow next to Clarke's. 

"She won't, I just know. She won't hurt me. " 

"If the witch coven find out about you, they will. I've spend years with them, Clarke. " Clarke leans up against the header of her bed and looks down at Raven, trying to collect the pieces of information she's giving her. "I haven't been doing online school. I've been practicing my magic with the coven. For years I've seen them find people, Gifted people, like you. They've tortured them to find out how they're immune to our magic. They're plan is to find every single one of you and kill you. I can't let Lexa be the reason they find you, Clarke. I just can't. " 

"They won't find me- " 

"You don't know that! What if- "

"I can't live my life after 'what if'. I feel like I've said it a million times, okay? " 

"Clarke, please. Don't be with Lexa. " 

"Raven! I really like her, okay? She's just... She's the one for me. " 

"She's a vampire! " Raven yells. 

"She feeds on animals and she doesn't hurt people! " 

"What about her friend? Anya? " 

"She won't let Anya hurt me and, honestly, I don't even think Anya wants to hurt me, " Clarke says. 

Raven bites her lip, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. 

"I'm so sorry for telling you this... But Lexa's friend, Anya... " 

"What? " Clarke asks confused, leaning over to look properly at Raven. 

"She's the crazy lady who killed your dad. " 

***

The only time Clarke has ever felt an extreme amount of physical pain was when she went bike riding with her dad. She was very young and even though she had her helmet on, she hit her head and started bleeding. Now she has a scar on her forehead, it's tiny but it's there. At the time it felt like it was the end of the world because when she went to school the next day she'd have to tell all of her friends that she fell on her bike. She felt so embarrassed and angry, because after she fell her dad carried her home, leaving their bikes behind. He had to go back and get them later that day too. 

The reason she felt that way was because the ride was over. She crashed her bike and got hurt and even though she wanted to keep going, her dad told her it was okay and that they should go home. She was upset for it to be over just like that. 

She'd wanted it to last forever. She loved the way she could yell and scream as she biked through the forest with her dad either right in front of her of right behind her. She could always hear his warm laughter and she loved every moment of it. 

She always thinks about how the pain started off as physical and ended up being something in her head. 

Right now she's feeling a bit of both kinds of pain. 

She gets up from the bed, sits back down again and gets back up. She crosses the room, muttering words she doesn't even understand herself. She gets one of her pillows and throws it across the room and then she picks it up and cries into it to then throw it away from her again. She keeps doing this, repeating actions over and over until, finally, Raven grabs her hand and holds it tight, forcing her to sit back down again and finally breathe. 

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know how to tell you this. I... I've wanted to tell you for so long, but I just didn't- " 

"Wait... How. I just... Raven, no. It's not true. I can't hear this right now, I can't. He died and it's over and he's gone and I don't want to hear this anymore. He's gone, okay? He's not... I don't want to hear about that! Stop... Say it's not true! I don't need new information about something that happened so long ago, Raven! I don't! " Clarke screams and rips her hand away from her. 

"Girls? Everything all right? " Abby calls from the stairs. 

"We're just... Watching a movie, mom. It's fine! " Clarke calls and waits for Abby to walk back down again. 

"You need to know this, Clarke. They're bad people, they're vampires. They used to be humans but now they're not. I know they probably didn't choose to be like this, but they are killers. And Lexa- " 

"Don't! " Clarke whisper-yells. "Don't say her name right now, I can't even think about her. Did she... Wait, did she know? " 

"I... Don't know. I didn't even know about her at the time. The coven told me later about all the things Anya had done. Look, Clarke. This is all just one big mess with a simple solution, okay? I know you care about her, trust me. I can see it in your eyes, you have so much love for her. This is horrible and hard and difficult and all of that. But, trust me when I say this, she's not good news for you. She's a temporary solution and I can't see this ending well. " 

Raven grabs Clarke's hand again and gives it a gentle squeeze. 

"I know... " Clarke whispers and gets back onto the bed. "I just can't do this, Raven. It's not that simple, " Clarke says.


	12. Chapter 12

She waits until Clarke's fallen asleep, then she leaves her bedroom and sneaks downstairs. She makes sure to check that Abby's not up, the lights are turned off in the whole house. So Raven puts on her boots and jacket and leaves out the font door, locking it with the spare key under the doormat and then tugging it neatly underneath the mat again. She follows the road, ignoring the cold feeling she gets when a sudden wind blows her messy ponytail over her shoulder. 

She walks with fast steps until the road curves and then she turns to walk into the forest. 

The forest is dark, cold and quiet. She can hear a squirrel or a bird or something fiddling with something in the distance. Her teeth are clattering and her hands feel numb. Now she wishes she'd spend more time learning simple spells, like how to keep warm or how to light up places. 

But then she sees the lights from Lexa's house and there's music playing from it. It's something old, classical, that Raven had not expected to hear. She walks up to the doorstep and closes her eyes. She holds out her hands by her sides and starts whispering the words she's learnt from the books she's studied for years now. She can feel the wind blowing harder around her and her hands start to tingle from the power. 

She feels a little lightheaded, but than again, a trapping spell is pretty draining. When she's done she takes a minute to breathe and collect her powers again. 

The door flies open and she sees Lexa standing there, her hair is loose and she looks drunk. The music is louder now that the door is open. 

"What the hell are you doing here? " She asks, a concerned look on her face. Anya is dancing in the background with a bottle of something dark orange and clear. 

"I'm sorry about this, Lexa. I know you didn't do anything, " Raven says and quickly twists her hand so Lexa's neck turns and she falls to the ground. Anya drops the bottle and runs to the door, stopping when she hits the doorframe. 

"What the hell? " She yells and slams out in front of her, hitting something invisible. "What are you doing? " She looks to Lexa's body, which has falling over the doorframe. She tries to grab it, but again she hits the invisible wall and groans in annoyance. 

"I realized that Clarke won't stay away from Lexa and Lexa won't stay away from Clarke, " Raven says. She swings her hand across her body and Anya flies back and hits the wall at the back of the small house. "So I have to do something else. " She twists her right hand and Anya's leg turns and snaps. She screams in pain and gets up when it's healed. "The only way for Lexa to stay away from Clarke is if she doesn't feel a thing. " Raven holds her hands out in front of her, making Anya fly back against the wall again. "And for Lexa to turn off her humanity I have to hurt her. As far as I know, she only cares about two people. I can't hurt Clarke... So you'll have to do, " Raven says. 

Anya runs forward, but Raven pushes her away without even touching her. Anya flies and lands against the back of the couch. 

"You're so dead, witch bitch. " Anya yells. She grabs one of the wooden chairs from the tiny dining table and rips off one of its legs. Then she looks up at Raven and laughs. 

Raven grins, streatches out her fingers and bends them quickly, making Anya fall to the floor in pain. Her arms and legs are twisted and turned to wrong ways. 

"You have no chance of surviving, fangs. " Raven laughs. "You killed Clarke's father. Don't you even dare look like the innocent one here. " 

Anya lets out one last scream, a single tear falling down her chin. Raven grabs the wooden leg Anya had dropped and gets a firm grip on it before placing the sharp end right above Anya's chest. 

"It's almost too easy, " She says. "Goodbye, Anya. " 

She pushes it into Anya's chest slowly, watching how the blood streams out of her and how her face twists in pain. Her skin turns cold and grey, but the veins that normally show up don't come. 

"See, " Raven says, making sure Anya's looking at her. "You're as good as dead now. So I feel like it'd be too quick to actually do it now. You deserve to die slowly, fangs. " 

So Raven lets go of the stick, leaving it in Anya's chest, only millimeters from her heart. 

"Bitch... " Anya whimpers as she struggles to breathe. 

"Sure. " Raven laughs and leaves. 

***

Lexa feels dizzy when she gets up. It's still dark outside. Her neck hurts, she turns and looks inside. The music is still playing. 

"Anya? " She calls and tries to remember what happened. She had heard someone outside, Raven. She had opened the door and then Raven snapped her neck. She runs inside and looks around, one of her chairs is broken, the leg is missing. 

"Lex... " 

She turns when she hears her voice. 

"Anya! " She screams and falls to the floor next to her behind the couch. "What.. No, it's going to going to be alright. Stay still! I'll get it out, okay? " 

"No! " Anya yells and whimpers from the sudden movement of her screaming. "It's... " She breathes heavily. "It's too late, Lex. She did it. The witch fucking did it. " She laughs and stops when the pain gets too much. 

"No, she didn't. Stop saying that. It'll be okay, I just need to get it out. " Lexa tries, but Anya grabs her hand slowly. Her hand feels clammy. It's grey and cold and little veins are starting to pop out. "It'll be okay, " Lexa cries, letting the tears drip down her face. 

"You're such an ugly crier, Lex. " Anya grins. 

"Fuck you. " Lexa laughs, she ends up sounding like she's choking and lets out a loud cry. "Please, " She says. "Don't leave me. " 

"I'm sorry for being a bitch, " Anya says. Lexa shakes her head in protest. "Seriously, I'm so sorry. You... You've always been the most important person for me and... " She coughs and whmpers form the sudden jack of pain. "And I'm sorry for making your life like this- " 

"Stop! " Lexa screams. "Stop doing that! Stop talking like this is the end! This is NOT the end, Anya. " 

"Jeez, Lex. There's a stick inside my chest... It's touching my heart, dummy. I'm dying. " She laughs, but tears are streaming down her face. 

"No... " Lexa cries and holds Anya's hand tight. "Don't... " 

"I love you, Lex. I do, honestly. I... I am so sorry for turning you, I really am. You're right, you should've died that night. I didn't have the right to do that, I'm sorry. " Anya cries. "I... I just couldn't loose you, you know. It's kind of ironic when you think about it. I prolonged your life and now you're the one watching me die. " She laughs. "Someone should write a story about us. We're pretty cool. " 

Lexa laughs and cries even harder. 

"You're such a dick, " She says and bites her lip hard to stop herself from crying too loud. 

"That's the last thing you're going to say to me? " Anya laughs. "Well... I deserve that, " She says. 

"No, you don't. You deserve so much more! You don't deserve to die, not now. I can't do this without you... I don't want to! " She screams. 

"Yes, you do and you can and you will! Promise you will! Promise you'll stay sane and you won't turn off your goddamn humanity because of me. " 

"It hurts... " Lexa whispers. 

"I know... " Anya smiles and coughs. "Lexa... I can't keep going on like this, " She says looking at the stick. "Please... " 

"No! " Lexa screams. "I can't... Don't make me- " 

"Please! " Anya says, louder and without breaking eye contact. "I want you to do it... Don't let that bitch, Raven, be the one to do it, " She says. 

"Okay... Yeah, okay. I'll do it. " Lexa mumbles and sits up. 

"Lexa, " Anya says and smiles. "Get the girl. " She closes her eyes.

Lexa grabs the stick gently and holds it tight for a second before pushing it deeper into Anya's chest with an exhale. Anya's eyes open and her skin goes even colder and even more grey. Tiny veins start to pop out and a strangled breath falls from her mouth before her eyes turn blank. 

Lexa runs her fingers down Anya's eyelids to close them. 

She screams in pain one last time before getting up from the floor. 

She needs to keep her promise. 

***

Clarke thinks about what to do as she slowly wakes up from her deep sleep. She had an odd dream last night about someone being in her bedroom, but when she asks Raven if she saw anything she just shrugs and shakes her head. Clarke's eyes are puffy from sleep, she's still tired. But it's Monday now and she has school in an hour. 

"Do you want to come? " Clarke asks as she puts on a pair of jeans and a jumper. Her hair is a mess, blond and full of none-committing curls that stop halfway. 

"No, I'm good. Not really missing the high school part of life here. " Raven mumbles as she turns on her madras on the floor. 

"You okay? " 

"Mhm, perfect. "

Clarke grabs her bag, phone and her jacket, which is on the floor by her desk as usual. Downstairs her mom is already gone, she left a note on the counter saying she's going to work late today again. There's some money next to it, Clarke grabs them and stuffs them in her back pocket of her jeans. 

It's raining outside, she's happy she didn't care about doing her make-up or straightening her hair or anything. She's walking down the road with her hands buried deep in her pockets and music pouring out of her headphones when somehow pokes her on the shoulder. 

"Bell'. Jesus fucking Christ, you scared me. " Clarke doesn't top her music or take out her headphones. 

"Hey, " He says. He's swaying on the spot and then walks with Clarke when she starts walking again. He looks awkward, Clarke almost wants to laugh at him. 

"What is it? " 

"Just, you know, I'm sorry. " 

"You have got to be shitting me, right? You're joking. You have to be, " Clarke says and laughs. 

"No, Clarke. Listen to me. I'm sorry for being a dick and everything, I really am. I just... I feel like I'm loosing you and no matter what I do I end up ruining everything even more. I don't know how to do things right and I'm sorry. I want this to work and be good, it was so good before. " 

"You thought that was good? You were constantly mad at me and I was too scared to do anything about it, Bellamy. If that's what you think a healthy relationship is I have some news for you, " Clarke says. She can feel her blood pumping through her veins. 

"No, that's not what I meant, Clarke. I don't think it was perfect, of course it wasn't. But... But we were together and you made me happy and- " 

"You didn't make me happy, " Clarke says and stops walking. She closes her eyes, not just because of the rain, but because she literally can't stand to look at him right now. "I was so miserable and you couldn't even see it. You were too busy thinking about the fucking sex, Bell'. "

"That's... Clarke, no. That's not true! " 

"See! That's what I'm talking about, that right there! You are so... Ugh! " Clarke yells in annoyance. She shakes her head and starts walking again. "You care more about if I'm blaming you for things than how I feel. You are so obsessed with always being liked that you don't care about being loved, Bell'. I can't... I just can't do this, why don't you get it. " 

"Because... I'm sorry! Tell me what I can do to fix everything, please! I want to fix this, Clarke. " 

"You can't! There's nothing to do, it's done. I am done, " Clarke says and turns around to end the conversation. 

"I'm trying, Clarke! I am trying to make things good again and- " 

"THEY WERE NEVER GOOD! " Clarke screams and she can feel the tears start to prickle at the corners of her eyes. "I was so ruined, Bellamy. I was broken and you just... You just didn't notice. " 

"You didn't tell me! " 

"I... I shouldn't have to. You should've known, okay? We never talked or hung out in a way that didn't up end with sex. " 

"That's a bad thing? " He says and quirks an eyebrow at her and laughs. 

"Goodbye. " Clarke keeps walking through the rain. She can hear his footsteps behind her so she turns up her music until she can't hear anything but the soft melody of the cello. It's a playlist she's only just found, but it's keeping her calm through all of this. 

***

"Clarke. " 

"Not you too, " Clarke says and is about to turn around and away from her locker when Octavia grabs her hand. 

"I know Bellamy tried to talk to you this morning and I know it didn't go well. So my odds aren't really in my favor or whatever. " Octavia looks nervous, also, her hand is sweaty against Clarke so it's not really that hard to figure out. 

"I'm sorry for not noticing how you and Bell' were together. I'm sorry for not understanding your hints. I'm sorry for yelling at you in public and then not seeing that I was the major idiot. I'm sorry for not asking you how you're feeling and I'm sorry for not being a real friend the past couple of weeks. Something is going on with you and it's not about me or Bellamy. I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it, I've not really shown you that you can. But you can if you will. Talk to me and I'll answer or just shut up and let you rent. I'm sorry and I love you and please, please, PLEASE forgive me some day. " 

Octavia takes a deep breath, everything pretty much came out as one word. She looks down at their hands and lets go when she notices Clarke's already let go. 

"Okay, " Clarke says, closes and locks her locker. 

"Okay? " 

"Yup, okay. I'll forgive you some day but today is not some day. I've heard what you have to say and now I want you to leave me alone and let me be mad at you. " 

"Oh, " Octavia says and takes a step back. "Of course, thank you. " 

"Don't, " Clarke says and looks at her one last time. "I have class now, bye. " 

History goes by too slow. The rain is pouring down outside and Clarke can't help but think about what Lexa might be doing. She left her yesterday morning and hasn't heard from her since. She thinks about visiting her after school, but Clarke was the one leaving her without a real reason and Lexa might be hurt or upset or angry. She didn't want to leave Lexa, but she felt like she had to. After what Anya told her she didn't really have a choice. 

Then she thinks about Anya and how mad she is with her. She killed her father. She murdered him and left his body, almost empty of blood and with slits and scratches all over him to make it look like something else than a fucking vampire attack. 

Clarke has never felt hatred this powerful towards one person. She can feel her hands get shaky and sticky from sweat. She's drawing angry swirls on the paper in front of her. 

"The presidential election of 2016" reads the headline. Clarke is supposed to write how she's feeling about the results, but she's too upset. She can't think about some dummy ruining her country when a girl is ruining her life (in the best way possible).

So she writes a few keywords and then packs her stuff about an hour later when the bell rings. Outside Lincoln is standing with his phone in his hands, he looks nervous and annoyed. 

"What's up? " Clarke asks and he walks with her to her locker. She's surprised not to see Octavia running behind him like a lost puppy. 

"Nothing, it's fine. Just... Why is it Octavia is crying in the girls bathroom? "

"She is? " Clarke asks and stops putting her history book in her locker midway. 

"Yeah, she's been texting me but I don't understand a thing and she won't pick up. Maybe you could talk to her? " 

"We're not really talking at the moment, " Clarke says. She doesn't know why her chest suddenly feels so heavy.

"But... She's crying? Aren't you guys, like, best friends? " 

"Yeah, I don't know. It's not that simple, Linc'. "

"Not that simple? You just forget the problem and move on, " Lincoln says, clearly distracted by his phones constantly buzzing from texts from Octavia. "You guys have been friends since, like, forever. You can't just stop because of some fight. " 

"It's not just some fight, Linc'. Octavia she... She embarrassed me in front of a bunch of people and she's just been a terrible friend lately. " 

"What about you, Clarke? Have you been any better? " Lincoln asks, locking his phone and putting in his pocket. It's still buzzing like crazy but he's ignoring it. 

"What? Yeah, of course. " Clarke feels confused. She takes an english book and a History of the Arts book and throws them in her bag, struggling with the zipper to close it. 

"Really? Because as far as I know the only times you guys spoke was when you were in a fight with Bellamy and she was the one near you. Clarke, I know she did and said some pretty stupid things. But it's Octavia and she does these things. You're Clarke and you know what's right and wrong and you guys fighting is wrong. Make her see that, " Lincoln says and smiles. 

"So just because I'm smart means I can't be mad? " 

"What? No, that's not what I said. "

"It sounded like it. " 

"Clarke, listen to me. We can all see something else is going on with you. These things with Octavia and Bellamy can't be hurting you like this, Clarke. We wan't to help you but you have to forgive us, forgive them. " Lincoln strokes her arm and smiles. 

"Forgive... " Clarke hides an angry laugh and looks down the hallway. People are slowly disappearing into their classrooms, leaving the hall peaceful and quiet. "Okay. "

"Really? " 

"Yeah, I'll forgive her. I'll forgive her for all the shit she's done and we'll just be happy and laugh and smile and run on a pretty little rainbow with our pet unicorns and happy songs and- " 

"I get it, Clarke. You're upset and you need time and- " 

"I... I just can't, okay? You're right. Stuff is going on outside of Octavia and Bellamy and I can't focus on fixing things with them if I can't fix things with her, " Clarke says. 

"Her? " Lincoln asks. 

"Yeah, uhm. A friend of mine. It's just... Complicated. " 

"Oh, okay. Fine, that's fine. Look, uhm, she's probably just going to stay in the bathroom until she's dehydrated from crying and I should not go in there, it's the girls bathroom, you know. So just... Think about talking to her or something. I'm late for gym so I'll see you later. " Lincoln turns around and walks down the hallway, checking his phone as he turns a corner. 

Clarke lets out a deep breath and closes her eyes. 

Fuck it, she thinks and heads to the girls bathroom. 

***

Anya's body won't desiccate. She'll stay like that forever, cold and pale and covered with blueish veins. Her hair is getting dry, crusty and loosing its warm brown color. The only way to get rid of a vampire body is by burning it. So Lexa picks her up after hours of sitting by her side, as if she was waiting for her to wake up again, and then walks outside and puts her on the ground feet away from her house. She needs her to be close. 

She grabs a shovel from inside her house, it's old and she hung it on the wall. It has the number 1948 written on it. The wood is dark and stained in some places and the metal is no longer grey, it's a rusty orange color. But it works perfectly fine. So she starts digging and an hour later when she's about 5 feet down she stops. She places an old blanket down on the ground, puts Anya's body on it and then covers her in another blanket. 

The sky is dark and full of clouds, but it's midday and she has to wait until it gets completely dark out. She has to make sure no one will just stop by or see a fire in the woods. Also, Anya used to tell her stories about how the old vampire families would get burned at night since they were always looked at as creatures of the night. Lexa wants to give her this one last thing. 

So she sits down on the cold ground with her shovel by her side and the pile of dirt on the other side of the grave and then she waits. 

***

"O? Octavia? " Clarke whispers, but the sound of someone sniffling and loudly crying is giving Octavia's location away. "I'm missing my english class and you know how Pike hates me already. So please just come out and lets talk. " 

There's silence from the bathroom stall Clarke's guessed Octavia's in. It's the only that's locked and Clarke can see Octavia's bright yellow backpack on the floor behind the door. 

"Seriously, O. Just come out. " 

"Sure? " Octavia sounds like she's scared Clarke is going to punch her or something. Like she's luring her into a trap. 

"Sure, " Clarke says and sighs. She puts down her bag and breathes deeply as Octavia grabs her stuff from the stall, opens the door and walks out. Her eyes are puffy and red and her nose is running. 

"I'm sorry, " She mumbles and looks to the ground, embarrassed.

"I know. " Clarke smiles a little. "I feel like I'm loosing all of my friends right now and I can't loose you. So we have to talk this out, because stuff is going on and I need you, " Clarke says. 

"Sure, yeah. Of course, " Octavia lifts her chin and tries not to look too happy about it. She also holds back her curiosity, Clarke can tell. 

"I know you can't just undo all the stuff you did and said, I get that. But also know that I just don't understand it. I can't find the part of all of this were it made sense for you to suddenly yell at me in public, just because Bellamy was there. " 

"I know it was dumb. I just... He's been really hurt by all of the stuff going on between you guys. Like, I'm sure he was crying at night until he fell asleep and stuff. I thought that maybe he finally got the courage to actually talk to you, he said he would do it in a nice way. And then when I saw him yelling at you and you yelling at him, I don't know. I kind of felt obligated to help him in some way. And then I chose the stupidest way possible, I'm sorry. "

"He was crying at night? " Clarke asks. She can't believe it. She leans up again the sink area and a girl walks in, fixes her makeup as she speaks to someone on the phone and then she leaves. Clarke and Octavia both stayed quiet when she was there. 

"Yeah, I think so. It sounded like it, you know. I just... Ever since he had to retake this year in school he's just been really weird, off or something. I thought that if you two dated he would get better. And then he did and I didn't even think for a second about if it made you feel better. And now Raven's back... " Octavia says the last thing like she just remembered it. "And I feel like you're just feeling worse or something. I don't know. I feel like I've been forgetting about you in a way for so long and now I'm just seeing everything and I don't know if this is what you usually are like or if something's up. " 

"It's- " 

"Wait, just wait. I was so destroyed when Raven had to leave and I didn't even think about how she was your friend as well. You've been through so much, like, with your dad and everything. You deserve so much more and you're so strong and I just... I'm not strong like you. I try to be, but then I end up crying in the girls bathroom and try to force my boyfriend to come pick me up. " She laughs and so does Clarke for a little while. 

"You're strong, O. You're really really strong. And I know things suck and I know I hurt Bellamy and he hurt me and nothing will ever be the same again. But you'll always be my friend and I love you and I can't do anything without you. I'm just fucking everything up somehow, " Clarke says and finally she feels a weight lift off her shoulders. She almost feels like she's flying, she might've if it wasn't for all the other things keeping her down. 

"Do you wan't to talk about what's going on with you, then? " Octavia smiles and lets go of Clarke. 

"Not really. " Clarke laughs. "But I guess I have to. " 

"You don't have to, " Octavia says and fixes her ponytail - one of the braids fell out and she has to tug it in again. 

"Yeah, I do. I need you advice. " 

"Let's meet up after school. " Octavia grins and looks at Clarke through the mirror. 

"I can't right after school, but let's eat dinner together. My place. " 

"Deal. " Octavia laughs and hugs her one more time before letting go and then they both disappear to each their classroom.

Clarke doesn't know what to say to Octavia. She doesn't think she can explain everything that's going on with Lexa and still keep it hidden that she's a vampire and so is Lexa's best friend, oh, and Raven's a witch. Octavia wouldn't understand, she just wouldn't. 

But Clarke has to tell her SOMETHING. She needs her help. 

She needs her friend.


	13. Chapter 13

Lexa's looking up at the sky, waiting for the moon to show and the sun to hide. It's getting darker and darker and she doesn't feel ready to do this. She's poured gas all over Anya's body in the pit she dug, she's standing with the matches in her hands and her face it hurting from crying. She's shaking all over and she keeps catching herself wishing how Anya could be standing next to her, holding her hand. 

At one point she almost feels her there. 

But now thunder and lightning is filling the empty air and Lexa fears it might start raining soon. The sun is hidden behind clouds, not giving off the natural daylight it should've, so Lexa thinks that this is as good at it can get. She has to do this now, if it starts raining the fire with be put out. She tries to make sense of it, but maybe it's just her way of telling herself it needs to be now otherwise she'll get into that pit and burn with Anya. 

She lights the match, closes her eyes and pictures how it'll fall down, hit the blanket that is covering Anya's body and then it'll all be over. 

"In fire, " She says breathlessly. "We cleanse the pain of the past. " 

Lexa's voice is fierce, but it's shaking with every word. With a slow movement she looks at the flame and whimpers as she lets go of it. 

"Lexa... " 

A soft voice from behind the flames, that are now curling up against each other, shows and makes Lexa open her eyes and look. 

"Not now. " Is the only thing she says before closing her eyes again. She says it with a power, stronger than anything she could ever imagine. 

But Clarke listens and stays back, not making a sound. 

***

The fire doesn't die out, but Lexa's tears eventually stop falling from the tip of her chin. That's when Clarke decides to move to the other side of the burning pit. She tugs at the end of Lexa's sleeve, it makes Lexa wake up from her daze and she turns at her suddenly.

"Yes? " She says, her voice distant and struggling to stay calm. 

"What happened? " Clarke asks. She know what she saw. A body under a blanket in a pit and now it's on fire. 

"Anya... " Lexa whimpers and looks at the flames. They're tall and form creepy faces, or maybe Clarke's imagination is running loose. "Raven came and, uhm, she killed her. " 

Clarke takes a step back, letting go of Lexa. Her hand had tucked its way into hers, but now she's blinking and gasping, opening and closing her mouth over and over again until she finds words. 

"Anya's dead? " 

Lexa looks at her quickly, as if she only just realized that, and breaks down. She falls to the ground, ignoring the cold mud beneath her knees as she cries into her hands and then into Clarke's shoulder once she's down on her knees with her. 

"I'm so sorry, " Clarke says, because what else do you say? The wind is blowing around them like a storm and Clarke can feel how her feet and hands and face are going numb. Lexa must feel it too, or at least notice how Clarke's shaking, because she gets up from the ground, keeping her hand in Clarke's, and then walks with her inside. She takes one last look on the pit before closing the front door after her. 

Inside it's not much warmer, but Clarke finds a couple of blankets and she starts off by laying one around Lexa's shoulders, just to comfort her even more, and then she wraps herself up in one. 

"How did it happen? " Clarke asks, picking her words with care. Lexa seems to shake with every letter. 

"I don't know. Raven snapped my neck and when I woke up... " Lexa turns to look behind the couch and Clarke does the same. She sees the big splotch of red on the wooden floor and the broken stake of wood next to it. She guesses her way to the end of Lexa's sentence. 

"I... Raven was at my house all night, Lex. She slept in my room, I would've heard. I don't understand, " Clarke says and shakes her head and holds Lexa's hand even tighter. She can't fathom the idea of Raven killing someone. But at the same time, the only thing that comes to her mind is "Anya is the reason my dad is dead". She tries not to think about that, but it's like an annoying, little fly going crazy around her head and just as she thinks it's gone, it shows up again. 

"She... She must've gone out in the night or something. She was here and I heard her and opened the door and she said it wasn't my fault and then she snapped my neck. " 

"She what?! She... She killed you? " 

"Temporarely, " Lexa says, not understanding why she felt like that was important. "But she didn't actually kill Anya. She left her for me to do it, she wanted her to suffer! She's... Anya told me not to turn my humanity off so Raven must've wanted that. " Lexa's no longer talking to Clarke, Clarke can tell. She's looking into thin air, as if she's seeing everything happen before her eyes once again. Her hands are no longer shaking from the shock, they're clenched from the anger. 

"Why... " Clarke's voice dies out. She knows why. Raven wanted Lexa to no longer care about anything, about anyone. She wanted her to feel nothing for Clarke and that way for her to not put her, Clarke, in any danger. 

"I... I'm going to kill her, " Lexa says, shocked by her own words. She gets up from the couch, letting the blanket fall from her shoulders and down to Clarke's lap.

"Hey! No, Lex. Look at me! " Clarke says, getting up and holding Lexa's hand tight. "No, you're not. Because you're Lexa and you don't do this. Look at me, " Clarke says and pulls at Lexa's hand for her to face her. Lexa spins and they stand close for a moment. Clarke looks at Lexa's lips and how they're swollen from Lexa constantly biting them. She looks at Lexa's wet cheeks, her puffy eyes and the leftover makeup smeared under them. She looks so innocent and weak, so hurt. It leaves an ache in Clarke's chest and she doesn't know what to do. Well, she knows what she wants to do, but she can't. Not now. 

"Clarke, " Lexa whispers, looking from Clarke's eyes to her lips to their hands and back to her eyes. "Please, let go of me. " 

"I'm not letting you do something to Raven. Let's just... Let's figure this out- " 

"There is NOTHING to figure out! " Lexa suddenly screams, making Clarke let go of her out of shock. 

"Lex- " 

"No! She killed my best friend because of me! She doesn't get to live through this, Clarke. " 

"Listen to yourself, Lexa! You're talking crazy. Don't do this! " Clarke cries and stomps the ground, because she doesn't know what else to do. 

"Clarke, you don't understand! I... I am a killer, this is what I do! " 

"NO! " Clarke screams so hard and so loud her voice shakes and breaks and her throat is scratchy. "You don't understand what you're about to do. " 

"Oh, I understand, " Lexa says. "Raven killed her. I'm going to kill Raven. End of story, Clarke. " 

"Stop! " Clarke cries and grabs Lexa's hand as she turns towards the door. "If you do this, Lexa. " Clarke takes a deep breath, closes and opens her eyes again. "Then I can't keep fighting for you, for us. " 

Lexa stops for a second and looks at Clarke. She looks at her shaking hands and her lips that are trembling. At her blonde hair which is a mess because of the pouring rain. At her pink tinted lips and light blue eyes that are piercing through Lexa's. At her wet clothes, because she never wears a jacket. She looks at the beautiful and perfect girl standing in front of her and she doesn't feel a thing. 

"It's too late, " Lexa says and leaves Clarke with the whiff of air she leaves behind her. 

***

Clarke doesn't know what to do with herself when she gets home. She thinks about Octavia who's on her way over, but the thought gets pushed back when she thinks about where Raven might be. She's not picking up or reading Clarke's texts and Clarke doesn't know who else to call. She thinks about Raven's parents, but then again, she doesn't actually know them that well. She thinks about calling her mom, but she doesn't know what she'd say. 

Then the doorbell rings and Clarke opens the door to find Octavia and Raven, both grinning about something they were just talking about, and Clarke can't help herself but to pull them both into a tight hug. 

"Wow, okay. Someone's in a good mood, " Raven says and pads Clarke on the back before she lets go of them. 

"Yeah, uhm. Are you guys okay? " Clarke looks out the front door before closing it. 

"We're fine, thank you. I thought I'd invite myself to your little dinner-date. " Raven laughs. 

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, come on in. " Clarke is looking out through the window by the door and the two other girls give each other a warring look.

"Are YOU okay, Clarke? " Raven asks, putting down her bag by the door as they walk to the kitchen. 

"I'm great, yeah. Uhm, Raven. " Clarke sends a look of worry. "Can we talk? " Octavia stops laughing and shifts between looking at Clarke and Raven, not understanding what is going on. 

"Uh, now? " 

"Yeah, " Clarke says and pulls Raven with her down the hallway to the staircase. "Just watch some TV, O'. " Clarke calls, hoping she's not too upset. 

"What's up? " Raven whispers. 

"So, " Clarke says. "You killed Anya. " 

Raven looks behind her to make sure Octavia's not near them and then she shushes Clarke loudly. 

"You're insane, Raven. What the hell were you thinking! " Clarke whisper-yells, making dramatic arm movements to make sure Raven understands. 

"I did what I had to do, Clarke. You were going to end up dead! " 

"No, I wasn't! But now... Lexa's so fucking upset because her best friend is dead! " Clarke tries her hardest to keep her voice down, checking down the hall to see if Octavia's still sitting on the couch. 

"I- " 

"Shut up! I don't know, Raven. Lexa's gone... Mad or something. She said she's going to kill you and I don't know where she is! I'm so fucking worried! " Clarke tries to keep the tears back, but the thought of Lexa out there doing something crazy and dumb is making her chest ache. 

"Hey, it's fine. I've spelled this house, don't worry. "

"What- " 

"I've put a spell on the house so that the only supernatural creatures who can get inside is me and you, Clarke. No vampires, no Lexa. " 

"Fine, okay, " Clarke says looking around. "But you still killed someone. " 

"I did, Clarke. I killed someone who'd end up getting you killed and who also killed your dad! I did something that should've been done a very long time ago- " 

"No! You didn't! You killed Lexa's best friend to keep ME safe and that's not okay! I told you I'd be okay and Lexa would be okay and we'd all be fine, but now you've made Lexa into a crazy-person and- " 

"She was already a crazy-person, Clarke! I just... I just made her feelings go away. " 

"Her feelings for me! " Clarke yells and now Octavia is storming down the hallway with the remote in her hand and a furious look on her face. 

"What the HELL is going on! " She screams. 

The other two girls stop fighting to look at her, both considering what lie to come up with. 

"Uh- " 

"No "uh"! " Octavia yells. "I want the truth, idiots. " 

***

Lexa can feel the blood pumping through her veins and the air going down into her lungs and the way her heart is beating for no reason at all. She can even feel the switch in her head. The one thing keeping her from ripping the head of the lady sitting at the other end of the bar, drinking something bright pink in a tiny martini glass. The bar is almost empty, only a couple of no-hope people who're only there because their wife threw them out a long time ago, or at least that's the story Lexa's been making up in her head to distract her from the real problem. 

"Another one? " The bartender asks as he wipes a glass clean and places it somewhere underneath the bar. 

"Sure, " Lexa says. "What do I have to loose. " 

The man pours a glass half full of a dark, rich scotch and slides it across the bar to Lexa, who catches it a downs it, enjoying the burning sensation in her throat. 

"That's impressive, " A man who's now sitting down next to her says with a firm smirk on his face. "Hi, I'm Murphy. " He reaches for Lexa's hand, but the smell of old liquor coming from the man makes her nose sting. 

"No, thank you, " Lexa says and turns away from him to look out through the window a few seats away from her. 

"Wow, a girl who can drink AND who has an attitude, " He says. "Look's like it's my lucky day. Another one for the pretty lady with the sharp words. " 

Lexa takes the drink and sips it slowly, starting to feel the buzz from the last liter of scotch. 

"So why is it that you're drinking alone on a Monday? " The guy, Murphy, apparently doesn't know what it means when someone's being mean and ignoring him. 

"I'm having a crisis. " 

"Uh, interesting. Broke up with your boyfriend? Did he cheat on you? Did you loose your job? Did- " 

"My best friend was murdered. " 

That makes the guy shut up. 

"Oh, " He says and looks away. Lexa turns to look at him and then laughs. 

"No, of course that didn't happen! I just... I'm a day drinker, I guess. Force of habit or whatever they say. " She downs the drink and looks outside as the sun sets completely. 

"Sure, " Murphy says and downs his drink too, trying to hide the pain with a laugh and ends up having a coughing fit. 

"Stupid, " Lexa says and almost laughs, genuinely this time.

"So I didn't actually catch your name there, dear. " He smiles and waves at the waiter who just starts pouring two more drinks. 

"You didn't, " Lexa states and cheers Murphy by lifting her glass a little higher than normally and winks at him. 

"You've gone from edgy to annoying, just like that, " Murphy says and turns to face the bar again, taking little sips of his drink in silence. 

"Look at me, " Lexa says and the guy does as he's told. "Don't panic, don't scream. Pretend like everything's normal. And stop annoying me. " She winks at him and laughs a little. Murphy keeps still, not saying a word for a while and then laughs with her. "You're going to be my drinking buddy, Murphy. " 

"Okay, " He says, a little confused and out of place. "Okay, yeah. Sure. Just know that you're drinking the most expensive scotch this bar owns and I'm unemployed so it won't be fun for very long. " 

"I'll take care of that. " She smiles and turns to catch the bartender's attention. "Tonight my new friend and I drink for free, right? " She says, concentrating hard on keeping the eye contact. 

"Sure. " The guy smiles and finishes another round of scotch for the two. 

"How- " 

"I'm good at persuading, I'm sure you know. " Lexa grins and Murphy nods, downing the scotch as if he'd forgotten the burning sensation. 

"So tell me a bit about yourself. Why do you live here in Lovely LA? " Murphy says, slightly slurring his words but overall keeping it together. 

"I... " Lexa doesn't know how to finish the sentence, she downs her drink - it's probably the 9th or something, she's not sure - and then looks at Murphy. "I live here because this is my home as it always will be, well. That's what I thought until last night. "

"What happened last night? " Murphy asks and grabs a beer from behind the bar counter and winks at the bartender who just pretends as nothing. 

"Well, " Lexa says. "Let's just say there's no reason for me to be here anymore. " She says it in a way that almost convinces herself. She thinks about the pain she'll feel once she goes back home and what she'll have to do with Clarke and with Raven and everything in between - she's not sure what that even is. 

"Then why are you still here? " 

The question seems simple, she should just be able to answer it with a "because there's a girl here who I think I love or something" but the words get stuck in her throat along with the, now tasteless, scotch. She clears her throat and looks outside again. The streetlights are on and people are walking with big coats, hats and scarves on. 

"Because I don't have anywhere else to be. No matter where I am, I'm lost. There is no place in this world for me. For 70 years I've felt the high of life, even in the bad times, and now I have nothing, no one. "

"70? Did you just say 70? " 

"Oh, yeah. I'm a vampire, " Lexa says and likes how it's not a big deal - then again, she did compel him to not freak out. 

"Oh, " He says and quirks his eyebrows at her, lifting his drink and taking a big gulp of it. "I'm just human, you know. Plain, old, boring human. I'm a 27 year old, unemployed, border line alcoholic guy. " He laughs shortly after, not knowing what other type of reaction to bring to the table. 

"I'm a 70 plus, vampire who killed her girlfriend, got her best friend killed, is about to kill the love of her life's best friend and who doesn't even dare to kiss the love of her life. " 

"Jeez, you win. " He laughs, they clink their glasses together and down the leftover alcohol. 

Lexa still doesn't feel the buzz the other guy obviously is going through right now, looking like a bus him straight in the face with a beer bottle or something. 

Lexa wants to drink until it doesn't hurt anymore. 

***

"Okay, so " Clarke begins as they sit down on the couch together. "Basically... The fact is that- " 

"Clarke, don't, " Raven says and grimaces for her to shut up. 

"I wan't to know. I wan't to help or something. Honestly, I'm just really fucking curious. Someone better tell me or- " 

"OKAY! " Clarke says, getting up from the couch to make a statement. "I've been seeing a girl for a while now and we got in a fight and I'm just... Scared that something might happen to her. She, uh, she- " 

"Used to be an alcoholic. Or, you know, she used to drink a lot and now Clarke can't get to her and she doesn't know where she is. So, uhm, she just needed some advice. " Raven breathes through the words and smile at Clarke when it looks like Octavia's bought it. 

"Oh, " Octavia says. "You could've just said that, it's fine. So first of all. You're gay- " 

"Bi. " 

"You're bi, cool. Second of all. Who is she and have I met her? Third of all. What was the fight about? " 

"Uh, " Clarke says and looks at Raven with a pleading look. "You have not met her, no. And, uhm, she's just... She's just kind of annoyed that I didn't tell her that, uh, I just came out of a, sort of, relationship, you know, with Bellamy. So, uh, she's just sad and angry and stuff. " Clarke sighs and sits back down again as Octavia processes it all. 

"Okay, " She says and nods as if she's understanding it. "So maybe just tell her that you're over Bellamy - if you're over him, of course. " 

"I am, " Clarke says, only a little annoyed. 

"Sure, of course. And then just talk to her about it, about how you like her and not anyone else and that you're worried about her and that you don't want to be scared she might go out and drink just because of a fight. " Octavia smiles and nods, thinking her advice was pretty good. 

"Sure, yeah. I'll just do that, O'. Thank you! Now let's order some pizza or something. " 

***

The night is dark and cold and Lexa can feel how her head is slightly buzzing and she can still hear the guy, Murphy's, voice saying goodbye in slurred words and with his head inside a cab on his way home. It must be at least 1am. As Lexa breathes the air is visible, coming out like a light fog from her mouth. It makes her laugh slightly and she keeps blowing out the warm air against the cold air. It's only when she's outside, in front of Clarke's house she realizes where she's ended up. 

She knocks on the door, but no one answers. 

"You could, like, open or something, " Lexa says, annoyed and giggly. She turns around, about to leave, when the door opens slowly. A head with blonde hair sticks out and looks at her, blinking a few times. 

"Lex? " Clarke mumbles, rubbing her eyes as if she doesn't believe what she's seeing. "What the hell are you doing? Is everything alright? " 

Lexa turns on her heel, smiles and winks at Clarke. She runs up to her so fast all Clarke did was blink and now Lexa's standing in front of her. 

"Lex- " 

"Shh! " Lexa says loudly, holding a finger out in front of Clarke's mouth. "I need to say something. " 

"Are you drunk? " Lexa swears Clarke almost laughs. 

"Mhm, a tiny bit. I met this guy, Murphlock or something, whatever. We had a bit to drink and now I... " She looks at her breath again, lost in the moment. 

"Lexa, " Clarke says, lifting her eyebrows and laughing slightly. "Are you okay? Do you need me to follow you home or something? " 

"No, no, no! Of course not. I'm a vampire, I got this. I came to tell you something, Clarkey. " She giggles. 

"What? " Clarke laughs, wrapping herself up tighter in her bathrobe and fiddles with a lock of her hair.

"I came to tell you that... That I'm leaving town, actually. " Lexa seems to understand the seriousness from her words. "I am not happy, not without Anya. And I don't want to be here anymore, Clarke. " 

"What!? " Clarke says a little too loud. She's sure that if the front door had still been open behind her, the people inside would've woken up. "What are you on about, Lexa? " 

"Anya's dead, Clarke. Your friend killed her and I want to kill, hurt, your friend. But I don't want you to, like, hate me or anything. " Lexa breathes and sighs and sits down on the edge of the stairs, Clarke soon following her. "So I'm not going to do anything to Raven. But I can't stay here either and just watch her live through killing my best friend. So I'm leaving. It' a win-win, I guess. " 

"There's nothing win-win about it, " Clarke says, looking down at Lexa's hand, which is pulling at some string in her ripped jeans. "I don't want you to leave. I want you right here where I can see you and talk to you, Lexa. How on earth did you come up with the idea to leave? " Clarke can hear the frustration in her own voice, how it breaks and screams with every word. 

"Well, " Lexa says and giggles for a few seconds before remembering that this is actually not funny. "It was Murphy, the bar-guy. He asked me why the hell I would be staying if there's nothing here I care about. " 

The words dig in through Clarke's chest and rip and tear everything apart inside of her. Her fingers go numb, not only from the cold, her head is heavy, her chest even heavier. 

"Okay, " She says and gets up. "Leave, then. " 

"What? " Lexa turns around, still sitting down. 

"Leave, Lexa! I don't care! And you know what? Go fuck yourself! " Clarke yells and is about to open the door when Lexa runs up to stand between Clarke and the doorknob. 

"Don't be mad at me, Clarke. I'm just, you know, done with this place. It was fun and all and- " 

"Shut up! I don't want to hear about it, Lexa! I can't believe I wasted my time with you... You're so... Fuck! " Clarke yells and tries to walk around Lexa but she keeps standing in front of her, turning to make it impossible for Clarke to get past her. 

"Clarke, hey! I'm saying goodbye, this is not easy, you know! " Lexa says and puts her hands by her hips like a little child. 

And then Clarke realizes what's wrong with Lexa. It's like the thought just comes to her and she understands everything. Like it's right in front of her and she can almost feel it in her hands. It's like a fucking switch flipped.

"You turned off your humanity, " Clarke says breathlessly. 

"What? Noo, " Lexa says and waves her hand at Clarke. "Okay, well. " She turns her head as if she's considering it. "A little bit, not really, though. I don't want to go all crazy and kill people, you know. That's not my thing. I just... I just got sick of the pain that was slowly tearing me down from the inside and out, you know. So, " She says and claps her hands together. "I decided to leave so that I could forget about all of this. Then, in 70 years or something I'll come back and, just for the fun times, you know, and I'll try and have an actual life. It'll be grand, Clarkey. Don't worry. " 

Lexa pads her on the shoulder and steps aside, as if that was the goodbye. 

"Really? " Clarke says, surprised to hear herself crying. "That's it? After everything we've been fighting for- " 

"We haven't been fighting for shit, Clarke. We hung out a few times and made out like people do and then your best friend killed my best friend. And now I don't feel great anymore and it's SO much easier to just leave, you know. So, Clarke, farewell. " Lexa waves and grabs a bottle by the stairs Clarke hadn't noticed before now.

"I love you! " Clarke yells, not turning to look at Lexa, but she can hear her footsteps stops and the bottle's liquid stops moving. 

"I... " Lexa mutters.


	14. Chapter 14

"I have to go, " She says and with a sigh she's out of Clarke's sight. Now Clarke is standing, alone, in front of her doorstep with a hollow feeling in her chest, it aches and hurts and burns all at the same time, but she also has this feeling of nothing matters, not anymore. She turns around, opens the front door and closes it behind her. Making sure it's locked, just out of habit. Abby comes out of her bedroom, wearing a matching pajama set and with sleepy eyes and a yawn on its way. 

"What's up, sweetie? Where someone at the door? " She asks, not truly awake yet. "I heard someone rustling. "

"Yeah, uhm... " Clarke's voice dies out, her will to explain with it. "It was Lexa, " She says and breaks down. She can feel the weight of the words she can't say on her shoulders as she runs into her mother's arms, Abby slowly strokes her back and shushes her, trying to make her stay calm and put together. 

"Clarke, easy now. Let's sit down, okay? Let's talk. " Abby smiles and they sit down on the couch. Clarke puts her legs up on it and cuddles into her mother's arms. 

"I... I don't know. " Clarke has no idea how to say this, so she decides to tell Abby the same lie she and Raven told Octavia. "I got in a fight with Lexa and she came here, drunk, and, uh, I don't know, mom. She said she's going to leave town, leave me. " Clarke hulks, taking small breaks to ease herself and get all of the words out. 

"She was dru... " Abby stops talking, knowing that's not the ting to focus on right now. She hugs Clarke tight and strokes her back gently to make her calm down. "Maybe... " Abby swallows, preparing herself for Clarke's words. "Maybe it's a good thing she's leaving- " 

Clarke sits up, pushing herself away from her mother with an angry and horrified look on her face. 

"Clarke, listen to me. All I'm saying is that you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, I know that, and maybe it's a good thing for you and Lexa to both get a bit of... Air. It doesn't seem like Lexa's happy either, you know, if she's wanting to leave. I think that it's a good idea to have some time for yourself to... " She thinks carefully about her word. "Maybe just be with yourself? " 

Clarke feels like Abby's words are hurting her, not because of what she's saying, but because it makes sense and she's actually considering it. Maybe it is a good thing? 

"No, " She says and gets up, tugging at the sleeve of her pajamas. "You don't understand, mom. She's... She wasn't herself- " 

"You barely know her, dear. Maybe this is just who she is? Maybe she, I don't know, maybe she finds it hard to stay here. You said it yourself, you said she moves a lot. If... " She takes a deep breath, reaching out for Clarke's hand and tugs it slightly. "If you guys were meant to be you'll meet again, I promise. Get some sleep and we'll talk in the morning. I'll take the day off- " 

"You don't have to- " 

"I know, Clarke. But I want to. I want to be with my daughter for a day without it being at night or on the phone, " Abby says and smiles at the thought. Clarke gives a slight smile before returning to bed, careful not to wake Raven or Octavia up. 

***

Clarke is standing at the edge of a cliff, the wind is blowing crazy around her, but she doesn't feel it. She can see her hair washing over her shoulders and face, as if she could turn her head 360 degrees and watch everything around her at the same time. She can hear the loud waves below her, they're washing up against the cliff and rocks, she swear she sees a fish at one point. She could stare down there for all eternity, like there's nothing that could stop her from just being one with the water and the waves and the wind. 

"Clarke. " Her voice is all too familiar. 

"Lexa? I thought you left, " Clarke says, still keeping her eyes on the water. 

"I did, Clarke. But I came back. For you. " Clarke can sense Lexa holding her hand but she can't keep her eyes away from the water. The waves grow bigger and bigger and the rocks are starting fall apart, first from the bottom of the cliff and then at the part Clarke's standing on. 

"Lexa, I'm going to fall. " 

"I know, Clarke. I know. " 

"I don't want to go down there, Lexa. Please, " Clarke's words are pleading but her tone is calm. 

"You have to, Clarke. You have to do it. If you don't fall you're never going to get back up, you know that. Clarke, fall. Just fall. " And with the last words Clarke feels the rush of the air suddenly going against her skin and she falls on her back and sees Lexa's shadow gets smaller and smaller on the top of the cliff. Clarke keeps falling, deeper and deeper. Seeing the water around her but not feeling it against her skin. Her clothes or hair doesn't get wet, not at all. She sees the fish and other animals and everything is so quiet and she finally feels calm. The water is warm against her skin and then.

She wakes up sweating and with both Raven and Octavia by her side in her bed. They're holding her hands and trying to keep her calm, but Clarke is looking everywhere for her, for Lexa. 

"Clarke, hey. Clam the fuck down, jeez. " Raven mutters and fights her way to Clarke's eyes to make sure she's seeing her. "You just had a bad dream or something, it's okay. " 

"No... No, it's not! " Clarke yells and feels the tears already pushing against her eyes. "I... I need to... She left! " 

Clarke can see Raven and Octavia sending each other wearing looks, confused and scared of Clarke's messed up words. 

"She came here last night and she left, she fucking... She left, " Clarke says, more as a reminder to herself. 

"Who? Lexa? " Octavia asks. 

"Yes, " Raven says. "She just left? She just... Gave up? " 

Clarke nods, dragging her blanket up above her bended knees with a sigh. 

"Like, for good? She just moved away? Just like that? " Octavia says confused, as if that shouldn't even be a possibility. 

"Yes, O'. She's gone, " Raven says to keep her quiet. 

"I'm sorry, okay. Uhm... I'll go make some breakfast, " She says, obviously not good at these kind of situations. She grabs her phone on the way out of the room and closes the door behind her. 

"What did she say, Clarke? When she left. " 

"She just... I heard her outside, somehow. I don't know how, but I just heard her. And then she said that she couldn't be here anymore, that she didn't care about anything or... Or anyone. " 

"She turned her humanity off? " Raven asks, understanding. 

"Not really. She's not, like, going crazy. She seemed like herself, but just off. She said she didn't care about me anymore, so she wanted to leave. Because she couldn't be here after what... " 

"What I did, " Raven says, finishing Clarke's sentence. "I'm sorry. " 

"No, you're not. I don't want to talk about that, Rav'. I need to go see her, I need to see if she's... If she's actually gone. " 

"Maybe, Clarke, just let her? If she's only turned some of her feelings off this could go very wrong. She might be on the edge of going full-vampire-killer-mode. Maybe just let her go, " Raven says. 

"But... Raven. I think I love her. I can't just let her go, " Clarke says, surprised by her own words. "I love her. " 

Raven takes a deep breath, not seeming surprised by Clarke's statement. 

"I... I can do a tracking spell, Clarke. I can see where she is and we'll make sure she's okay. Let her do this, Clarke. She's been a vampire for so long, she knows what she's doing. " 

"But she's alone- " 

"She'll be okay. Let her go, for now. " 

***

So Clarke did. She meets with Raven every Sunday for her to make a tracking spell. She writes down every city Lexa is in, checking up on any animal killings and everything else suspicious. She's been back in Lexa's house a couple of times, it was empty. Not a single thing left from her. Now the old house in the middle of the forest is abandoned and no one cares, no one but Clarke. Raven's boyfriend Finn has come to visit a few times, helping out with the tracking spells, he's a witch, too. Raven's been teaching him different spells and Clarke sometimes finds herself smiling and laughing when Finn messes up and Raven gets annoyed because he's not taking it serious. 

Abby's been spending a lot more time at home, taking days off or just asking to get fewer hours. She's been getting a team of interns to teach "her ways" as she says. She wants them to be able to take over her job one day. Clarke and Abby have made a deal to spend at least one entire day (from when Clarke's out of school) together. It's hard sometimes, but then either Abby shows up at Clarke's school or Clarke shows up at Abby's work and they go watch a movie or get something to eat (Clarke's avoiding the little diner her and Lexa ate at once). 

Her, Octavia and Lincoln are getting to finish their exams early this year because of a trip the school is planning. They're taking their final exams right after Christmas in the new year. She's exited for it to be over, you can't really say school has been her favorite thing. She's been taking extra classes outside of school, though. Just to make sure she could even write her own name on the tests. Lincoln has been helping her out with some of her homework and she finally feels like she could pass. 

She feels like her life is going well, but she still feels like she's sleepwalking. Every word she says is unexpected, like she can't control herself. The only times she feels awake is when she wakes up from her wicked nightmares in the middle of the night. They've been about Lexa, all of them. She's been writing them down, it feels better when she draws them, though. She knows Abby's been going through the drawings and she knows Abby's concerned. It's been a month, it makes sense for her to be. 

"Are you up? Clarke? " Abby knocks on the door and slowly opens it with an eased smile. 

"It's Christmas break, mom. I'm allowed to sleep, " Clarke mumbles into her pillow and turns so she's not facing the door, ignoring the light that is streaming in through it. 

"I know, sweetie. But I thought that maybe you'd want to eat the breakfast I've made. Also, there're some people downstair who'd like to say hello. " Clarke can hear the excitement in Abby's voice. She, Clarke, slowly turns to look at her, intrigued to find out what she's talking about. 

"What? " 

"You'll have to come down and see, " Abby says and a slight giggle follows, making Clarke sigh and laugh as she gets out of bed and puts on her Christmas themed pajamas with matching slippers. She puts her hair up in a loose bun and likes the way her freshly dyed tips are leaving pink streaks in it. 

"MERRY CHRISTMAS! " A massive group of people, also with Christmas pajamas on, screams as Clarke comes down the stairs and walks into the living room. They're all smiling and giggling and Clarke doesn't understand a thing. 

"What the hell!? " 

"Clarke! Language! " Abby hisses but then turns her frown to a smile within seconds. 

"Sorry, oh my God. I thought you were all- "

"We lied! " Octavia laughs exited. "We wanted to do this, for you. " The rest of the group, Raven, Lincoln, Finn and even Monty and Jasper whom she hasn't spoken to in ages nods and smiles. 

"Why... " Clarke mumbles, but she knows why. She's not been hiding how terrible she's been feeling. "Thank you, guys. " She smiles and they all join to hug her. 

"Okay, guys. Let's eat before I start crying! " Octavia says and the group laughs as they all sit down in the living room, some on the couch, others around on the floor with blankets and pillows tugged around them as they listen to Michael Bublé's Christmas album and talk about everything between heaven and earth. 

It's not until everyone's full and there's no more food on the table in front of them all that they slowly start to go home. 

"Thank you for coming, really. Merry Christmas, guys! " Clarke says as she hugs everyone goodbye and wave them off. 

"So? " Abby says smiling. "Am I an amazing mother or what? " 

"You're the best, " Clarke says and hugs her tight.

"What do say about spending the rest of the day watching Christmas movies and ordering pizza whenever we get hungry? " Abby asks with a smile. 

"Uh, yeah. Can it wait, though? I'd like to go for a walk first, " Clarke says awkwardly, sadness filling her voice. 

"Are you going to see her house again? " Abby asks, sounding more concerned than she did when she first found out. Clarke just nods and looks around the room, trying not to feel guilty. "How about I go with you? I'd like to get out today anyway and maybe it'll be less... " 

"Sad, " Clarke says and huffs out a sad laugh. 

"Yeah, less sad. Let's go together, " Abby says and smiles. "Please? " 

So Clarke nods and they get dressed, wearing warm clothes and hats and scarves and then they leave, still feeling the warmth of their house and the cosy morning together. 

***

"How far is it? " Abby asks as they step through puddles and soaked leaves and branches that have fallen off the trees during the windy nights. 

"Right there, " Clarke says and points straight ahead through the trees and Abby nods and they fasten their steps. 

"It's cosy. " Abby grins. "I like it, " She says as soon as they step inside. Every room is still empty, it's obvious no one's been here since Clarke. 

"Yeah, " Clarke says and looks at the place where the couch used to be, she thinks back to the night where she way lying there with Lexa, not thinking about anything other than her slow breathing and the sweet scent she carried. 

"It's cold, though. " Abby rubs her hands together and breathe on them to keep them warm. "Is it always this cold? " 

"Yes, " Clarke says, looking at the kitchen. Every counter has a solid layer of dust on it, leaves have been blowing inside through the front door and are layering up in the corners of the rooms. 

"Clarke, hey. " Abby grabs her hand gently and smiles. "I know it's hard, but you're doing so well, sweetie. Let's... Let's go home again. " 

"I'd like to stay here for a little bit, please, " Clarke says, ignoring the way Abby's smile falls to a gentle frown. 

"Sure? " Abby says. 

"Yeah, sure. " 

"Okay, I'll leave, then. " She hugs her and disappears through the front door. 

Clarke sits down on the cold, wooden floor and closes her eyes. She imagines the few memories she has here, the few moments she got to spend with Lexa in her own home. Now, nothing seems to be enough. She could've spend her entire life here, if Lexa would've just let her. As the wind blows, the wood creaks and Clarke starts to shiver even harder. If she doesn't leave now she'll be frozen stuck. For a moment she doesn't actually mind.

***

The next couple of days go by quickly. Clarke helps Abby out with the last minute Christmas gift shopping for some of Abby's colleagues, they're having secret Santa this year and Abby's forgotten all about it, of course. Clarke buys a few things for Octavia, Lincoln, Raven and even Finn. She's planning on visiting them before Christmas. But right now she's in bed with an intense stomach pain and high fever. 

"You're not going anywhere today, dear, " Abby says as she measures her temperature. "You still got a fever. I'll bring you some tea. " 

"No, mom. It's okay. I'll take a nap or something. I'm not thirsty. " Clarke smiles, just wanting to be alone for a little while. Her mom has been fuzzing over her for the past three days as she's been getting more and more ill. 

"Sure? It's okay, really. " 

"Sure, " Clarke says and the conversation is over. Abby leaves, not closing the door completely behind her. Clarke can hear how she walks down the stairs with slow steps and continues wrapping presents. 

This is not how Clarke had imagined her Christmas to be like.

She didn't think she'd spend her Christmas morning like this, wrapped up in a blanket with tissues all around her as she wraps up the presents she's gotten from her friends and her mother. It doesn't take long and when her mother's done they spend the rest of the day watching the few Christmas movies they haven't already seen. 

Abby takes Clarke to the doctors when Clarke hits the one week mark of being ill. The doctor says it's some strange infection and he gives her some pills she needs to take from now on and until it goes away. When New Year hits Clarke is feeling better. She convinces Abby to go out an celebrate the new year, that way she gets the house to herself and she can feel horrible alone. 

Because Clarke knows this illness or weak patch isn't going to go away unless Lexa comes back. She knows this is her immune system reaction to her feelings, but she can't just explain that to a doctor who's telling her she's actually ill. So she keeps writing and drawing her dreams and she keeps texting Raven, asking where Lexa is now and she writes down the new cities. But nothing helps and she doesn't know what to do. 

***

It's been four months without Lexa. 

Clarke is better now, though she's struggling with homework and projects to finish before her exams. She's decided not to go on the trip the school is having, her mother's not happy about it, but she pretends to understand. Clarke can't focus on it, not now. Raven says it's getting harder to the tracking spell. She's doing it based on her and Clarke's memory of Lexa and they're slowly starting to struggle picturing her face, her voice and everything about her. 

"Maybe we should just stop? " Raven says and shifts in Clarke's bed, blowing out the candles she's put around them. 

"No. I'm not giving up, Raven. I need to- " 

"It's been four months, Clarke. She's... She's not going to come back, " Raven says. Her voice is cold and angry, it's draining her, doing all of these tracking spells. Clarke's been wanting her to do it more often now. 

"I know. But I'm not giving up. " 

"You're not the one doing the spells, " Finn says from Clarke's window. He's sitting with his legs up on the little bench Clarke has. "It's a difficult spell and Raven's been doing too much for too long now. Let's say once a month, then. " 

Clarke gets up from the bed and walks to her dresser, she fiddles with some jewelry and then sighs loudly. 

"I'm not giving up, " She says breathlessly. 

"We're not going to. It's just too risky for Raven, " Finn says. Clarke can see Raven's nodding along, but she's too scared, embarrassed, to say anything. "Lexa's been all over the US, Clarke. She's going to do fine even though we cut down on the spells. " 

"You promised... " Clarke mumbles, feeling like a child. When Raven starts to struggle with her breathing, tears forming in her eyes, Clarke feels the guilt piling up inside of her. 

"I know, " Raven says, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry. " 

"She's not going to come back, is she? " Clarke says and walks to the bed again, holding a necklace she's not worn for a very long time. There's a little flower penance on it in silver. 

"I don't think so, I'm sorry. " Finn strokes her arm gently and sits down next to Raven with a sad smile. He holds her hand for a little while, sending power and magic into her. Clarke's been noticing how he's doing this quite often lately, she's never thought of it until now. 

"I can't move on, " Clarke says. 

"You don't have to, not yet. How about we just... Ignore it? Just for a little while? " Finn says and smiles optimistically. "We'll just tone down the 'Lexa-talk' and maybe, I don't know, maybe it'll help? " 

"I... I don't WANT to move on, " Clarke says, not aware of how she's raising her voice slightly. "I want her to be here. You don't... You don't understand. I've never felt like this, never imagined I'd get to feel like this. It's like I just have to... Have her. She needs to be a part of my life and there's no other way for me to live it. She needs to be here and that's it. " 

"I know how you feel, " Finn says and smiles at Raven who smiles back with her eyes closed. 

"I think I'd like to be alone for a little bit, if that's okay. " Clarke smiles and the couple nods along and leaves her with a tight hug on the way out of her bedroom.

***

Clarke passes all of her exams. She's eighteen and out of high school for good. Everyone's off on the trip and she's never felt this lonely and happy about it. She loves her friends and would do anything for them, but when there's only one person you actually want to be with, it's hard to focus on the rest. Raven and Finn have gone back to his family and the rest of the coven in Las Vegas. They wanted to invite Clarke, but the fact that the coven would probably torture and end up killing Clarke because she's Gifted threw them off the idea. 

Abby's on a trip with her colleagues to some tropical island in the middle of nowhere. Clarke keeps getting pictures on Facebook of all the fancy drinks Abby's getting, different people she meets and the pretty sunsets. 

It's February and Clarke has nothing to do with her life. She's taking a year off school, off everything. She's been visiting Lexa's house less and less, the nature is kind of taking over it. Clarke had to almost kick the door open to get inside, the windows are broken, Clarke doesn't know how. One day she found a sleeping bag inside. For a second she though it was Lexa, but when Raven did a tracking spell on her and it showed that Lexa was nowhere near LA. Clarke then made Raven do a trapping spell and then an invisibility spell on it, anyone who comes near it will somehow walk the other way, not getting anywhere near to even touch it. 

All of her friends are gone, none of them are even close to home, so when the doorbells goes off, Clarke jumps.


	15. Chapter 15

Time can't stand still, it's impossible. There's no way it can happen, but when Clarke opens the door to see Lexa stand on the other side of it, she's sure she gets a few extra seconds. 

"Clar- " 

She slams the door shut. 

"No, " She says to herself. "No... No, I'm dreaming, having a nightmare. This is not- " 

"Clarke, please. " 

"STOP! " Clarke closes her eyes and counts to ten, she gets to five when Lexa's voice reappears from the behind the door. Clarke pinches herself until she can't stand the pain anymore. When she opens her eyes again she's not in her bed or on the couch, she's still standing in front of the closed front door, Lexa on the other side of it 

"Clarke, " Lexa says again hopelessly. "Please. " 

"It's not- " 

"It is. It is real. I'm... I'm so sorry. " 

Clarke holds the doorknob tightly for a few seconds before turning it and letting the door fall open. Lexa is wearing tight, black jeans and a dark orange hoodie. Hair hair is tied up in a loose ponytail and she has dark eyeliner smeared around her eyes messily. She's even more beautiful than Clarke remembers, she didn't think that was possible. 

"Clarke, " Lexa says and takes a step forward, but she stops when Clarke takes a step back. 

"Don't, " Clarke says, almost choking on her words. "I... I don't know what to say. " 

She's dreamt of this moment for so long, knowing that by the first chance of seeing Lexa she'd run in to her arms and hug her until she feels okay again. But now that Lexa's here she doesn't know what to do. She feels so... Angry. 

"You don't have to say anything, Clarke. I... I'm not here because of us, you and I. I'm here because, well, rumor has it that the witch coven in Las Vegas, they're on to you. " Lexa says, biting her lip as she thinks of her words. A habit Clarke's missed seeing. "I don't know how, Clarke. But someone, I think, told them or gave them a clue or something, I don't know. I've been in every state, trying to find out how they know and what to do, " Lexa says quickly, as if the coven could come at every second. 

"You need to... You need to hide, Clarke. They know where you live, you and your mother. You both need to leave, quickly, " Lexa says. 

"I... " Clarke stutters, empty of anything to say. "I haven't heard anything from Raven about this, " She says, lifting her chin to collect herself. "Are you sure? " 

"Yes, Clarke. I'm sure. Please, " Lexa says. "Please, listen to me- " 

"Why should I? " Clarke says, surprised by her own words. "Why... Why should I trust you? After months of feeling like shit because of you? Why should I let you do this, tell me these things and then just expect me to do it, to listen to you? You left, Lexa. You left ME. " Clarke cries. "You don't get to walk back in here and decide for me that I have to... Hide! " 

Lexa looks surprised and hurt from Clarke's words. 

"I have spend so long hurting from you, Lexa. And you don't even care. I... " 

"I'm sorry, " Lexa says. "I am- " 

"Are you? Really? Are you even capable of feeling that? Because the last thing I remember you were reminding me of how you no longer felt anything- "

"That is not why I'm here- " 

"Then I don't want you here! " Clarke yells and takes a step forward, pointing her finger at Lexa in anger. "I don't want you here! I don't want you to be back, Lexa! You left me, you said it was for good! You said you didn't want me or want this place. I'm moving on! I am- " 

Clarke feels the overwhelming feeling of Lexa pressing her lips against hers. She feels how Lexa holds Clarke by her jaw and how her fingers slowly slide down to her arms. But then Clarke realizes what's happening and she pushes herself away from her. 

"NO! " Clarke screams. "You... Leave. " 

"Clarke- "

"LEAVE! " She screams as the tears flow down her cheeks, marking where Lexa's hands were seconds ago. When Lexa steps back over the doorframe Clarke slams the door shut with a yell of anger and desperation. 

She's never felt this many emotions at once. 

***

It takes Clarke an hour to get to her room and pick up her phone to call Raven. 

"Hey, Clarke. What's up? " Raven says, someone whispers something in the background and when Raven says 'it's Clarke' she guesses it was Finn asking. 

"I... Uh, we need to talk, Raven. " 

"What's the matter? " Raven says, Clarke can hear how she stops fiddling with something in the background, giving Clarke her full attention. 

"Lexa... Was here. Just, how fast can you be here? I think something might be... Wrong, " Clarke says, not wanting to tell her over the phone. 

"I'll be there in an hour, exactly. "

And exactly an hour later, Raven and Finn are standing outside Clarke's front door. They used a traveling spell Raven's told Clarke about. 

"What's up? " Raven says, letting herself in. She kicks off her boots, Finn does the same thing, and they all land around the the kitchen island. 

"So, " Clarke says and takes a deep breath. "Lexa was here. She told me that she had heard rumors about the coven, YOUR coven, trying to find me. They know where I live, I guess. She said it was just a matter of time before... " 

"Before they get here, " Raven says, finishing Clarke's sentence for her. "Okay, shit. Uh, the coven was acting a bit weird when we first got there, I guess. I didn't think much of it, sorry. Well... Have you heard anything, Finn? You're in the meetings they have. " Raven turns to look at Finn who's face is red, he rubs is hands together, obviously sweating. 

"Are you alright? " Clarke asks. 

"Yeah, uh, just... If they're on their way you need to leave, we all do. If they find out we know about you and we haven't told them... They'll kill us, too. Raven, we need to leave. " Finn grabs her hand and holds it tight. 

"I know, we need to get Clarke and Abby out of here first. Where's your mother? " 

"She's not home. She's away for the rest of the month, luckily, " Clarke says. "I'll go pack my stuff. Where are we going? " 

"Wait! " Finn says, suddenly. "How can we even know if this is true? Lexa just walks back in here and says it? Just like that? Let's... Let's go back, Raven. Let's go see the coven and talk to them about- " 

"About what? We can't just ask them! And it'll take too long, Finn. Get your head out of your ass and go google were there's a hotel anywhere that's not here, " Raven says as she runs upstairs with Clarke right in front of her. 

"What do I need to pack? " Clarke asks and pulls out a backpack, emptying it of her schoolbooks. 

"Just... Clothes. Normal clothes. Something you haven't worn in forever. And a hat, get a hat, too. Anything that you won't look like yourself in, I guess. " Raven looks through Clarke's drawers as Clarke packs her old clothes she's been wanting to get rid of for forever. It doesn't take them long, not more than 10 minutes to get everything stuffed in the bag. Clarke grabs some money she's been saving up from whenever Abby gave er dinner-money and stuffs them in the pocket of her jacket. 

"What did you find? " Raven asks as she looks at Finn. 

"Uh, just something not fancy right outside of LA. It'll take us an hour to get there, is it okay? " Finn asks and Raven nods. 

"Okay, then. Let's leave, " Raven says, satisfied with the work she's done. Clarke opens the front door with an eased smile. 

"Don't... Slam it closed again, please, " Lexa says and holds her hands out in front of her. She looks from Clarke to Raven who's standing behind her with clenched fists. "You... " Lexa whispers, her breathing getting louder and more forced. "Later, " She then says and looks back at Clarke. "You're leaving. " 

"I am, " Clarke says and looks at something behind Lexa. 

"Good, " Lexa says. "Where? " 

"Don't tell her, " Raven says, taking a step forward. 

"Clarke, " Lexa says. "I... I want to be there. To help. "

"You didn't want that four months ago when you left, remember? Do you remember what you said to me? How you no longer cared about me, that I was nothing to you now. I do, I remember. Because I can't just give up and turn off my feelings, I had to feel every bit of the pain, " Clarke says. 

"Clarke- " Raven tries. 

"Get in the car, please. " And Raven and Finn do as they're told. Lexa steps inside slowly, ignoring the way Clarke takes a step back. 

"I don't regret leaving, " Lexa says. "I don't regret trying my best not to get you into this mess. All I regret is not trying harder. " 

"Great, now I forgive you. Everything's perfect now, nothing hurts and- " 

"Clarke, stop, please. I... " Lexa breathes. "My best friend... My only friend died. What would you've wanted me to do? Just pretend like it was okay? Because it wasn't, it isn't. " 

"No! I... I would've helped you. I would've been there for you, with you! You didn't even give me a chance to... To help you! " Clarke says, stepping forward. "You made a decision for me, I HATE when you, when people, do that. I... I don't always know what I want, I get that. But I... I wanted you, so bad. And you just left. " 

"I'm sorry, " Lexa says. "But I was too close to the edge, Clarke. I was... I was one problem from going crazy! If I had seen her, Raven, I would've done something horrible. And you would've hated me even more and I thought... I thought you'd understand. " 

"I do! But that doesn't mean I forgive you. " 

"I'm not seeking forgiveness, Clarke, " Lexa says, almost smiling. "I'm seeking understanding. " 

"Well... There you have it, " Clarke says, closing and locking the door behind her as she pushes her way past Lexa, stopping when Lexa grabs her wrist gently. 

"It'd be much easier if you just told me where you're staying. Then I don't have to follow you, " Lexa says embarrassed. 

"You'll follow us anyway, " Clarke says and walks to the car as Lexa lets go of her. 

***

The hotel is small and dark. The walls all have yellow tint to them, the floor is carpet - Clarke's sure it hasn't been vacuumed in weeks. Finn deals with paying for two rooms, he has to convince the lady behind the counter that the rooms HAVE to be next to each other. After twenty minutes Raven walks in to help him, leaving Clarke by the car with her backpack on her shoulder. 

"No need to sneak up on me, " She says and turns around to face Lexa. 

"I wasn't- " 

"Doesn't matter. So, " Clarke says, leaning up against the car. "What's your plan now? "

"What do you mean? " Lexa blinks a couple times. Clarke's sure she's blushing, then she thinks about if Lexa's actually capable of blushing. 

"You're here. " 

"I am. " 

"Are you going to leave again? When this is over, I mean. Are going to tell me you hate me and just go- " 

"I don't hate you, Clarke. I never said that. "

"Of course, you just said that I was like nothing to you, I was air, " Clarke says. She feels a lump in her throat just from thinking of that night. 

"I- " 

"Do you still have your humanity turned off? " Clarke asks, shaking her head. She doesn't want to know the answer, she tells herself. But she can't lie to herself. 

"I never had, " Lexa says. "I... I just blocked it, blocked the feelings. Just pretended like they weren't there. " 

"How? " Clarke almost laughs. "How could you do that? How could you just... Ignore it? I know I can't, I've tried for months and it hasn't gone that well. " Clarke almost laughs again, but it comes out with a choking sound and she feels the tears start to form in her eyes again. 

"It wasn't easy for me, either, " Lexa says, taking a step forward. "I... I know it was my choice, Clarke. I know I am the one to blame for... For all of this. And honestly, " Lexa says. "I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to do. I... I, I messed up. I thought that by leaving you I was protecting you from... Me. I didn't even think about how you might... I didn't even think about you. I was so focused on keeping you alive I forgot that- " 

"I also needed to live, " Clarke says. 

"Yeah, " Lexa grins slightly. "Do you think you'll ever... Not hate me? " 

"I... I don't hate you, Lexa. I lo- " 

"Hey! Okay, so we got the rooms... Oh, " Raven says when she sees Lexa. "You're still here. " 

"Don't tease me, " Lexa says, stepping away from Clarke. "Just be happy I'm not- " 

"That's fine, Lexa. " Clarke says abruptly. "Let's just... Get to the rooms, then. " Clarke smiles. She gets a firm grip on her backpack, pushes herself off the car and walks in the same direction that Raven and Finn do. She looks back when she's outside her room, room 13, almost disappointed to see that Lexa's nowhere near her.

"We'll be right next door, Clarke. Just... Come in if you need anything. I'll be contacting some witches from the coven, some we can trust, just to see if they know anything. It'll be okay, " Raven says with a reassuring smile.

"I... I don't want you guys to get hurt because of me. Promise me that you'll stay safe. " 

"We'll be fine. Get some sleep, at least try to. Do you... Do you want me to spell your room? To make sure SHE doesn't get in? " Raven says nodding towards the car where Lexa's still standing, looking at the ground. Clarke's sure she can hear them. 

"It's fine. She won't do anything, " Clarke says and looks towards her, towards Lexa. "She'll probably run away again soon. " The last bit makes Lexa look up, Clarke quickly turns her head to her door and twists the key. "I'll see you later, " She says before disappearing inside. 

***

It feels odd to be so close to her again, as if the power she carries is contagious. Lexa can feel how just talking to her makes her fingers tingle, it's driving her crazy. She had worked so hard to block out her feelings, to make them disappear just enough to forget about Clarke, but they're all rushing back and it's overwhelming. 

"You can come in, you know! " Clarke calls from inside her room, Lexa can't help but to laugh. She opens the door slowly, scared every move will make Clarke angry. "For a vampire to be you're not very quiet, " Clarke says as she gets up from her bed. 

"I... Yeah, I, uh... " 

"You also need to learn how to finish your sentences, " Clarke grins and runs her fingers through her hair. 

"I'm sorry. " Lexa breathes through the words. "I feel like that's the only thing I'm saying- " 

"When you're not trying to kiss me, " Clarke says. Lexa's not sure if she's joking, she feels the urge to apologize again. "It's okay. I... To be honest I'd done the same thing to you, I wanted to do the same thing. Probably mostly before you said you weren't back because of you and I, but- " 

"I'm sorry about that, too. " Lexa grins slightly. "I am so sorry... About everything. I'm not going to leave... Unless, you know, you want me to. " 

Clarke can't help herself, she laughs for a few seconds before returning to the bed, sitting on the edge of it looking out through the window not far from her. 

"I want to be mad at you, you know. I want to hate you and never forgive you. " She turns to look at Lexa who's biting her lips slightly, obviously nervous. "But I can't. I... I don't know why, but I just can't. " 

Lexa picks at the edge of her hoodie, the orange color of it making her seem much more tan than usual. Her hair is no longer in a ponytail, it's big and curly and messy. Hanging around the sides of her face, as if there's no other way for it to be. Clarke takes a deep breath, thinking hard about what she's about to say and the difference from how she feels. 

"I- " 

"Wait, " Lexa says, taking quick steps towards Clarke and stopping in front of her, facing her. She holds out her hand for Clarke to take, not wanting to intrude, and lets out a relieved breath when Clarke does. She closes her eyes for second and then gets down on her knees. 

"I messed up. I fell in love with you, I tried so hard not to, but it happened. Then I tried to undo it, I tried to block everything out and it made it worse, God, it made it so much worse. I've been told most of my life, by Anya. " Lexa stops at her name, taking a moment to breathe, lips trembling. "That love is weakness, that it will do nothing but hurt you in the end and... And I get what she meant by that. I've never felt anything more painful than to be away from you- "

"If you leave me again- "

"I won't, " Lexa says, tightening her grip on Clarke's hand. "I swear to you Clarke Griffin, I will never hurt you again. I will... I will love you, forever. And for me that's a very long time. " Lexa grins. "I love you, Clarke. I'll always be with you, I promise. " 

Clarke gets up from the bed, leading Lexa to get up, too. She opens her mouth and closes it again multiple times before taking a step forward, leaving the space between the two of them minimal. 

"I love you, " Clarke says, blinking and breathing her way through the words, ending up at Lexa's eyes who're so much more green than she normally thinks, little specks of gold and brown run through them, something Clarke's never noticed before. 

Lexa runs her thumb over the back of Clarke's hand, ignoring the lump forming in her throat. With her other hand she slowly places it right above Clarke's hip, making sure Clarke's okay with it. She feels how the heat from Clarke rises into her, leaving her with an feeling of being full. She slowly leans forward, looking from Clarke's eyes to her lips. 

"You're so careful, " Clarke whispers. 

"I don't want to make any mistakes again. " 

"You won't. " 

Clarke leans in, pressing her lips against Lexa's. Slowly they follow each other's movements, Lexa leaning into Clarke so hard they both fall to bed, smiling against each other's lips. Lexa moves so Clarke shifts up to sit against the bed frame at the top of the bed, pillows supporting her. Lexa looks at her, lips still trembling, tears slowly dripping from the tip of her chin, getting stuck in the crease of her smile. 

"You're so beautiful, " She says, words filling the small space between them before she leans in to kiss her again, keeping her hands around her face, keeping her close. 

***

It's the loud knocking on Clarke's door that wakes her up. She doesn't even remember falling asleep. 

"Clarke! " Raven yells as she knocks on the door. "Seriously, open up! " 

"Coming! " Clarke says and rubs her eyes, letting her fingers fall to her lips as she remembers what happened what feels like seconds ago. She swings her legs over the edge of the bed, runs her fingers through her hair and opens the door to her room. "Yeah? " She says, clearing her throat. 

"Were you sleeping? Good. Look, I called... " Raven's inside the room, looking around. "She's here, isn't she? " 

"What- "

"Where is she? " Raven asks again, looking from the bed to the open window. "Did she run away? Again? " 

"I'm right here, witch, " Lexa says, lifting her chin and placing her hands behind her back. Clarke turns to look at her, feeling how she's blushing. 

"So you've forgiven her, have you, Clarke? You don't care she left- " 

"You killed her best friend, Raven. Let's not talk about forgiveness. " Clarke can feel how that's something she's wanted to get off her chest forever. "Let's just... What's new? " Clarke asks and looks at Raven who swallows hard and stops clenching her fists. 

"I talked to my friends from the coven. They said they don't know anything, they were lying. The whole coven is in on it, whoever told them is someone with a lot of influence, someone powerful. Finn's calling his friends, he's trying to get something out of them, but they're not to much help. We need to stay here for a while. I'll try and do some tracking spells on the coven tonight, to make sure where they are. But if I know them right they'll have shielded themselves, if I can just get through to one of them we're in. " 

"Great, okay. So... We just need to keep hiding until the coven gives up? " Clarke asks hopeful. 

"They won't give up, Clarke. " Raven whispers. "They'll keep going until they find you. You're on an endless run from now on, I'm sorry. " 

"We could just... Kill- " 

"No killing! " Raven says sharply at Lexa's words. 

"That comes from you! " Lexa spits, taking a step forward, the same does Raven who's forming flames in the palm of her hand. 

"Guys! Please, at least try to make this work, " Clarke says, stepping in between them. "Okay, so we hide. For however long it may take to come up with something better. I'll call my mom when she gets home and tell her to move away, I'll tell her it's important and that she has to listen, she'll listen, " Clarke says, looking at Raven. "What about Octavia? And Lincoln and... And Bellamy? " 

"They'll be fine. " 

"What if the coven asks around? They'll find out Octavia and Lincoln are friends with me and- " 

"They won't do anything to them. They'd have to expose themselves to humans and they won't do that, " Raven says. 

"Are you sure? " Lexa asks. 

"Yes, I'm sure, " Raven spits. "I... I'll go back to my room. Please, " Raven says closing her eyes in disgust. "be ready for tomorrow, get some sleep, Clarke. " She leaves the room, pushing her way past Lexa and closes the door with a twist of her hand. 

Lexa lets out a deep breath when the sound of the door closing gets to her. 

"You're doing really well, " Clarke says, thankful. 

"I... I'm trying, " Lexa says. "Every time I look at her I just see... I just see Anya lying there, on the floor with the stick in her chest and the blood and- " 

"Hey, " Clarke says, forcing her hand into Lexa's. "It's okay. You're... You're hurt, I understand. It's okay, really. Let's... Let's just get some rest. We'll talk about everything tomorrow. I just need to sleep. " She leads her to the bed slowly with a firm smile on her face. 

"Yeah... Okay, " Lexa says and follows her. Her stomach still hurts and her chest feels heavy. But as she falls asleep curled up in Clarke's arm and on her chest, listening to her heart beating slower and slower, she feels like this is exactly what she needed, what she HAS needed for so long.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (random note here, but thanks for 6000 hits, that's kind of a lot i think)

The sun shines through the creaks between the blinds, it shows the dust filling the air around them. Clarke runs her fingers through the tips of Lexa's hair, enjoying the scent she carries, it's fresh and sweet and gives her stomach a nice fluttery feeling whenever she thinks about it. 

"Goodmorning, " Lexa mumbles and snuggles in closer to Clarke's chest, leaning up against her arm, which is wrapped around her back. "I don't want to get up yet. " 

"Me neither, " Clarke says sleepily. She turns and kisses the top of Lexa's forehead with a smile. 

"Raven's coming, " Lexa says and soon after loud knocks on the door appears, followed by Clarke's name being yelled. 

"If we just stay quiet, maybe she'll leave. " Clarke laughs and Lexa shushes her, hiding her laugh in Clarke's shoulder. 

"I can hear you, idiots. Open the door, we need to move. " 

After ten minutes of Clarke getting out of bed just to be pulled back into it by Lexa, they're finally ready to meet Raven outside. 

"What's up? " Clarke asks, fiddling with her hair. 

"What's up? " Raven repeats, annoyed. "The coven is coming. I did a tracking spell and... Clarke, they were at your house. They're too close, we need to leave. " 

"What... My house? How... I thought they've been looking for me for months, Lexa? " Clarke turns to look at Lexa. "Why... How are they only here now? Right when I'm on the move? " 

Lexa shakes her head. "I... I don't know. They... Could they be giving you a chance? To run? " 

"That's impossible. Look, we could stay here, waste time, and think about why they're coming for you now, or we could leave. I'm more into the whole running away thing, " Raven says and swings her backpack over her shoulder, she must've gotten it from the car. "We'll be waiting in the car. Be quick. " 

The girls, Clarke and Lexa, walk back inside the hotel room, closing the door behind them. 

"Being on the run is not fun anymore, " Clarke says as she finds her toothbrush in her bag. She stands over the sinking, spits into it when she's done. She puts half her hair up in a ponytail and cleans her face with some cold water. Lexa, meanwhile, stands in the doorframe, watching over Clarke as a lost puppy. "You're staring, " Clarke says and smiles. 

"I'm observing. " Lexa smiles. "Here, I'll pack. " Lexa leaves the doorframe to the bathroom with a swoosh. Within seconds she's standing there again with Clarke's packed backpack in her hand, stretched out in front of her. 

"I could really use you to do my homework, you know. " Clarke laughs and grabs it, swinging it over her shoulder. "Got everything? " 

"Yeah, " Lexa nods and they leave the room and walk to the car. "I... I'll be right behind you guys. It's fine- " 

"You can come with us in the car, you know? " Clarke says, searching for Lexa's hands, they're hidden behind her back and lifted chin. 

"I think it's best if I just run, " She says and tries to form a smile. "I don't... I can't. Not when she's- " 

"I understand. Just... Know that I want you with me, close to me. " Clarke smiles. They nod for a second, about to lean back into the familiar hug they both need so bad, when Raven honks the horn and they both jump. "Shit... " Clarke mumbles as she opens the car door. "I... We'll see each other soon. " 

Lexa nods and smiles. When Clarke's inside with her seatbelt on, she looks back outside and Lexa's not there. It feels like that night all over again. 

***

"So you're fuck-buddies again? " Raven says over the loud radio. 

"Shut up, Raven. " Clarke huffs, irritated.

"Fine, " Raven says and makes a right. "But you forgive her, just like that? "

"It's not... It's not easy, Raven. But I care about her enough to understand why she did what she did. "

"Well, " Raven says. "She's the one who got you into this mess in the first place. " Raven looks through the mirror above her, in between her and Finn, and locks eyes with Clarke for a second before returning to the road. 

"Rav', " Finn says. He moves his hand to be on Raven's, but she moves hers away to change gear. 

"It's not her fault, " Clarke says as she watches the city disappear. "She just... Happened to fall in love- " 

Raven laughs as she pads her hands on the steering wheel rapidly. "Love? She's a vampire, a monster. She told you herself, Clarke, she doesn't have feelings. " 

"Don't make me jump out of this car, Raven. " 

"You know what!? " Raven yells, making a quick turn and stops by the side of the road, lucky there weren't any cars behind her. "I am so... SICK of this! I am doing everything I can to help you, to save you! I've been doing that for YEARS! And you don't fucking care. I do one thing... One bad thing and now I'm the bad guy. Yes, I killed someone. But I killed someone who would've killed you or me or someone else at some point! I did it for the long run, Clarke. And hey, I'm fine. Don't worry about me! Pfft, " She huffs. "I am not constantly on the edge of exploding, don't think about me! I... " She breathes heavily, collect air to finish her explosion of words. "I killed someone, Clarke. I ended someone's life. Lexa's not the only one who's hurting from that. But you don't care- " 

"Rav- " 

"No! I don't want to hear it. I'm going to continue driving and no one's going to talk. " She turns and continues to drive down the endless road, in silence. Not even Finn is saying a word or doing everything. 

***

After what feels like an endless amount of time Raven pulls over. 

"San Diego? " Clarke asks as she looks outside to a road sign. "How- " 

"Spelled the car. It would be a lot quicker this way. Hopefully your little... Pointy friend could keep up, " Raven says as they all step out. 

"Raven, shut up. " 

"I'll go get the rooms, " Finn says, frantic to get away from the sharp words. 

"I'll go with y- " 

"No, Rav'. I think you guys need to talk some stuff out. I got it, " He says, kissing Raven's forehead before walking inside the massive hotel. 

"We don't have anything to talk about, " Raven says and looks at Clarke. "I don't want you to be with Lexa's because I'm thinking rationally and I wan't you to stay alive. And you don't want to listen to me. " 

"Raven... I'm on the run from people I've never seen. I'm doing all of this, moving from one hotel to another and my own mother doesn't even know all of this is happening, I'm doing this because you're telling me it's dangerous not to. I'm listening to you, trusting you, but this... Telling me to stay away from Lexa just because it's too dangerous... It's too much, Raven. I... I love her. I do. I can't tell you how or why, but I just know that I can't keep going without her. " 

Raven rubs her eyes and unzips her sweatshirt quickly. "I will never understand how you can love someone like her, " Raven says, her voice shaking. "I will never, NEVER, understand. I will never support that or help... I'll never help her with anything. She's a killer, Clarke. She kills people for FUN! Her best friend killed your dad, Clarke! I don't understand how you can even bare to look at her... " Raven shakes her head. 

"You killed someone, too! She's killed ONE person, someone she loved! By accident, Raven! You killed someone because maybe, MAYBE they would do something bad in the future. But please, do tell me how the first person who's made me feel okay since my dad died is the most horrible person on Earth! PLEASE make me feel bad for loving her, because that's exactly what I need! Thank you, Raven, for being Friend-of-the-year... AGAIN! " Clarke yells and pushes her way past her, taking one of the room keys out of Finn's hand on the way. 

She runs up the stairs inside the hotel, needing to move and not stand still in an elevator. When she gets to the floor 3, room 7, she gets inside and hears the familiar swoosh from behind her, right before she closes the door. 

"Lexa, " She says breathlessly. She blinks the tears away as Lexa comes close, pushing the door closed, and places her hands around the edges of Clarke's face gently. 

"Let's... Let's rest. I think we both need it. " She smiles slowly. She lets her hands fall to Clarke's hips and holds them tight. She kisses Clarke gently on the corner of her lips, feeling how Clarke forms a soft smile beneath her lips, and lifts her up and runs to the bed. Within a second they hit the edge of the madras and Clarke can't help but to giggle lightly. 

"You're so... Extra, " Clarke says. She feels how the familiar flush of pure happiness comes back, rushing over her and filling her completely as Lexa guides her to the bed. They fall asleep almost the same way as yesterday, Clarke on top of Lexa's chest with Lexa's fingers running through the blond hair. 

But even Lexa's touch can't make Clarke's thoughts stop from going crazy. Raven's words are flowing in on her again and again until Lexa's touch feels too cold and too forced. Her eyes start running and her breath gets caught in her chest, she flies up from the bed, Lexa quickly waking up by the sudden movements. 

"What's wrong? What happened? " She asks, looking at Clarke who's sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"I... " Clarke struggles. "I just... It's too much, Lexa. I... It's to much at once! " Clarke says, not meaning for it to come out as a yell with tears running down her face. "I... I'm trying so hard to ignore it, " She says. 

"Ignore what? " Lexa asks, though she knows what Clarke's going to answer. 

"You left me. And... I'm trying, I really am, to understand why you did. And I hear what you're saying and it makes sense, but I... I can't pretend like it's okay, Lexa. " Clarke turns around to see her, Lexa's eyes are puffy from sleep, she must've slept right from when they got to the bed. 

"I try to... To understand that you're grieving. You lost a friend, I get it. But... But it was Anya and- " 

"Clarke, don't. I don't want to hear about what type of person she was, I know she made mistakes and- " 

"Mistakes!? " Clarke yells, getting up from the bed. "Mistakes? She killed my dad! " She screams, tears flowing down her cheeks. "She killed him, Lexa. " 

"I... " Lexa tries, not being able to find the words. 

"Did you... Know? "

"I know she... I know she went crazy at one point and did something stupid at a police station not far from LA. " 

"Something stupid!? " Clarke yells. "She's the one who forced me to grow up without him. She's the one who made it impossible for my mom to even look at me for months because I reminded her of him too much. She's- " 

"I know! Clarke, I know. " Lexa breathes and gets up on the other side of the bed. "But don't hate me because of what she did- " 

"SHE KILLED MY DAD! " Clarke screams, her voice breaking. "And you knew... " She whispers with a shaky breath, trying to keep it together. 

"I'm sorry. I wasn't sure and I- " 

"You weren't sure? " Clarke almost laughs. "But you have thought about it? " She huffs. 

"I have, " Lexa says, lifting her chin and locking her hands behind her back. "Clarke, " She says, closing her eyes slowly, taking a deep breath before opening them again. "She made mistakes, many mistakes. But she was my friend through everything. She's dead, she can't undo what she did and she can't pay for it either. I'm sorry she did what she did, but that's it, Clarke. I can't do anymore for you, I'm sorry. " 

Clarke takes a step back as Lexa takes one forward. She looks out through the big, open window, through the sheer curtain hanging in front of it. People are walking outside as the sun slowly disappears, faster and faster it falls behind the trees and the hills and the buildings. 

"I can't keep doing this, Lexa, " She says, looking over her shoulder to see Lexa who's sitting on the edge of the bed, her face in her hands. "I can't keep pretending like I'm okay, because I'm not. I'm not okay. So much, TOO much, is happening. I'm fighting for so many things that I didn't even know existed 6 months ago. I don't want all of these things. I don't want magic or vampires or Gifted people or covens or anything in my life. I just want... I just want to be normal, this is too much. " 

"I can't give you that, " Lexa says. 

"I know. " 

"Do you want... Do you want me to leave? Do you want me to leave you alone? Because I can't do that, Clarke. I can't keep living my life without you in it. But I... I can stop living- "

"No! I don't want you to die, what are- " 

"No, that's not it. I can just... Vampires, we have this ability to... Rest, " Lexa says slowly. "We can petrify, I guess, ourself. Just, stop feeding and lay still until we just wake up. I can do that, Clarke. If that helps- " 

"Are you insane? " Clarke says, stepping forward towards Lexa. "I don't want you to do that, how could you even think that was a possibility. I want you to live your life and I want it to be with me, I do. But- " 

"But not when I'm a vampire, " Lexa says. 

"I don't know. " 

"I do. You never asked for this, you didn't know what you were getting yourself into. I should've never... " Lexa shakes her head and shuts her eyes again, rubbing them gently. Clarke comes and sits down next to her. "Is this... " Lexa says with a shaky voice. "Is this the end? " 

"For now, " Clarke says. "I need to feel safe and I need to feel safe with my friends, too. " 

"I get it, Clarke. I'm... I'm not what you'd hoped for- " 

"You're so much more, " Clarke says and lays her hand on Lexa's thigh. "You are so wonderfully magical, Lexa. You... You're so much of everything and it's everything I've ever wanted, needed. But just not at this moment. " 

Lexa nods along to Clarke's words, trying to make everything seem reasonable to her. 

"I don't want to keep going without you, Clarke, " Lexa whispers. "I don't want watch everything happen from afar and not be able to do anything. I want to be next to you, Clarke. I want to be with you. " 

"I know, I want that, too. But- " 

"I know. "

"Maybe when I'm not on the run from the coven, when we fix everything. "

"Maybe, " Lexa says. 

Clarke's hand slowly falls from Lexa's thigh and she falls asleep on the bed with her feet hanging over the edge. She dreams about the forest, about the wind blowing through the leaves and the way it feels as she runs through it, faster than humanly possible. She stops when something warm hits her. It's like a burning feeling in the pit of her stomach, but it doesn't hurt. It swirls around as she walks towards the source, a deer standing alone, nothing but trees surrounding it. 

She walks towards it with steady steps, not even think about how she doesn't want to do anything but get as close to it as possible. She walks slowly, taking long, steady steps until she's so close she can almost touch it. It looks up from the ground, eyes red and with blood dripping from its mouth. Clarke looks to where its head was facing and screams at the sight of Lexa, her face pale and her eyes empty. 

When Clarke wakes up she's alone in her room. It's pitch black outside, she can almost feel the cold on her skin. 

Someone knocks on her door, hard. She gets up, noticing how she's still wearing her clothes from yesterday. 

"Coming! " She calls and walks quickly to the door, seeing how tired she looks in a mirror hanging next to it. "Hey, " She says when Raven's standing on the other side of it. 

"You okay? I thought I heard you scream, I- " 

"I just had a bad dream, everything's okay. " 

"Where's... Lexa? " Raven asks, looking around the room once she gets inside. 

"She... She left. "

"You have got to be kidding- " 

"It's okay. We, uh, we talked about... stuff. We agreed, I think, that it was better like this. You won, Raven. Congrats, " Clarke says and rubs her eyes hard. 

"Well... I'm glad she's gone, but not that you're... Sad. I'm sorry everything is so complicated. I did what I could to not make all of this happen, I'm sorry. " 

"It's... It's fine. We can't do anything to change it. Hey, have you found out who told the coven? " Clarke says, urging to change to topic. 

"Oh, uh. No, we don't know yet. Finn's been calling all of his old friends from the coven but they're not saying anything. He's still got some people he wants to call, but I honestly don't think we'll find out. We just need to focus on being far away from the coven. Have you called your mom? " 

"No, not yet. I don't want her to freak out. " 

"Understandable. I'm going to do a tracking spell tomorrow on the coven. Finn and I have been working on a blocking spell for a while now, but it's hard when we're four, three people. Get some rest, Clarke. I think we're going to keep moving through the city tomorrow, " Raven says sadly. 

"Okay. Goodnight, " Clarke says and gives a soft smile. 

"You're so strong, Clarke. Don't forget that. " Raven grins and leaves the room, closing the door behind her. 

Clarke doesn't fall asleep right away, she keeps looking around the room as if she's waiting for something, someone, to just appear. But nothing happens and within thirty minutes she's fast asleep, back to dreaming about the forest and everything that comes with it. 


	17. Chapter 17

The drive goes by fast. Clarke sleeps for most of the trip and when she's awake the radio is on, so she spends her time humming along to the few songs she does know. They drive along the coast, past the beaches, over the hills and through the small cities. Suddenly, Clarke wakes up from a sudden scream. 

"RAVEN! " Finn yells as he takes over the steering wheel, forcing them to the side of the road. 

"What the hell! " Clarke says and unbuckles her seatbelt to lean in between the front seats. "Raven! " She grabs Raven's upper arm and holds it tight, shaking it slightly to make her wake up. Raven's sitting completely still now, staring straight ahead. Her fists are clenched and blood is streaming from them, her nails are digging into her skin. 

"Raven, please! " Finn says, trying to hold her hands to make her stop hurting herself. 

"What's... What's happening? " Clarke says with a worried look. 

"I... " Finn tries, thinking hard before answering. "I think the coven's playing tricks on her, on us. They're finding her. I don't know... I think they're using a locating spell or something, they're breaking through the shield her and I made last night, " He says looking around them in the car. "Raven, please! " He says again, clenching his hands around hers. 

Blood starts running from Raven's nose and suddenly she start coughing violently. 

"We need to get her out, " Finn says and gets out the car with Clarke. He runs to the other side of it, opens the car door to Raven's side and gets her out. He carries her to the ground, laying her down gently. 

She's stopped coughing now, returning to lie still on the ground, blood still running from her nose and hands. 

"What do we do!? " Clarke says, biting her lip in frustration. 

"We wait for them to do the spell- " 

"What?! We can't just let them do that to her, Finn! Do something! Go after the coven with YOUR magic, please! " Clarke yells and points at him. 

"I can't, Clarke! I'm nowhere near strong enough to even touch them! " 

"GOD! " Clarke yells and kicks the tire of the car in anger. "I knew this would happen! I knew she'd get hurt because of me somehow, fuck! "

"This... This is not your fault. Clarke, I was the one who- " Finn tries, holding Raven's hand. 

"Shut it, of course it is. Just- " 

"Raven!" Finn suddenly says as Raven coughs her way to sit upright. 

"Oh, my God! " Clarke says and falls to her knees next to Raven, supporting her back. 

"They're... " Raven tries through forced breaths. "They're coming. They're close. They... They know where we are and they're using transporting spells to come here. We... " She cries. "We lost. " 

***

The sun shines through the car windows, leaving little touches of sun streaks throughout the interior of the car. They're parked outside an old, abandoned store. Trash and leaves and everything in between has gathered around outside of it, no one's anywhere near them. 

"This is it? We're giving up? Just like that... " Clarke asks slowly as they step out of the car, all at once. 

"Yes, " Raven says and breathes deeply, she looks down at her hand, which is intertwined with Finn's. "I'm sorry for getting you into this mess, " She says and smiles sadly to him. 

"I... I'm sorry, too. " 

"For what? " She asks and laughs lightly.

"I... I did something- " 

"They're here, " Clarke says and turns around to look at Raven. She then turns back to signal where the coven is coming. Even though Clarke hasn't seen them before, they're not hard to spot. All of them are wearing long, dark grey capes with either red or blue fabric on the inside. When they're all on the parking lot they link hands and close their eyes, whispering words Clarke doesn't understand. 

"They're doing a spell to hide everything that happens in here, " Raven says, seeing Clarke's confusion. "To any humans looking in this direction they won't see or hear us and they won't come here. " 

When the coven stops whispering they all open their eyes. A man with long, dark hair and a bear matching it, braids going through all of it, takes a few steps forward. 

"Gus, " Raven whispers. "He's the leader of the coven. " She sounds more worried now than before. 

"We are here to talk, " Gus says. "about the treason the witches in front of us have made. " He looks around to see the coven nodding along to his words. "As we all know, the girl here is one of the Gifted. She's a threat to, not only our coven, but to all witches on Earth. She has a special power, a shield, one might say, so she can not be touched by magic. It is in our power to keep these people hidden, shielded, from the rest of the world. It has been our job for centuries. Luckily one amongst us is loyal enough to come clean with what has been happening. "

Clarke turns around to see Finn staring straight to the ground, Raven standing beside him with an expression that cannot be explained. Never has Clarke seen her this hurt, angry and confused all at once. 

"I tried to tell you... " Finn mumbles. 

"Because of this young man, his bravery and honesty, we are now one step closer to get rid of these... Gifted people. Let us, together, use the magic that has been given us to capture this threat and erase it from Earth once and for all. " 

Clarke sees how Finn walks past her with his head facing the ground, a few tears falling from the tip of his nose. She walks back to stand with Raven, she holds her hand tight and tries to form a smile, but nothing happens. She feels numb all over. 

"I'm so sorry, " Raven whispers as the coven begins whispering unknown words. "I'm so sorry for everything. I should've tried harder. I... I should've- " 

"No, you did so well. Thank you, Raven. Thank you so much, okay? Just... If this really is the end... Tell my mom it was a car crash or something, that it was quick and painless and that I was happy. " Clarke cries. "Tell her I love her and I'll always be with her, because I do and I will. I'll always be with all of you, I promise. " 

"I... I can't, Clarke. You're going to get through this, this is not the- " 

"It is, Raven. And it's okay... It's okay. Just... " Clarke cries, breathing heavily, taking in short, forced breaths as she fights her way through her words. "Tell Octavia she needs to stay strong, because she's so strong and she has to fight for it. Tell Lincoln he's amazing and he's so good for Octavia and tell... Tell Bellamy I'm sorry for the mess we made together. It would've been great and he's going to make someone really happy some day. " 

Raven nods along with Clarke's words, tears falling down her face. 

"Tell- " Clarke stops talking when a burning pain begins in her stomach. 

"Clarke! " Raven yells, catching her before she hits the ground next to the car. She looks up to see the coven walking closer, blood streaming from their nose as they use all of their power. 

"Tell... " Clarke breathes quickly, fighting for her words. "Tell her I love her.. So much. So... SO much! " She cries, clutching her stomach. "She needs to keep living... Even though I'm not there. I... I, I love her and I always will... She was, she IS, too extra all the time. " Clarke smiles softly as the pain spreads to her chest. "It's now... " 

"NO! " Raven screams, let's go of Clarke's hand and gets up. She opens her hands and close her eyes. She begins whispering words Clarke's never heard before. 

Everything suddenly happens quickly. Clarke feels how her entire body's gone cold and she can't move. She's on the ground, facing Raven who's walking closer and closer to the coven, yelling words with a power so strong it looks like they're hurting her. One by one the members of the coven fall to the ground, with each body hitting the cold, hard pavement Raven screams louder. Blood is streaming from her hands, Clarke can't tell if it's from the cuts Raven made earlier or what it is. 

"Clarke. " A soft whispers appears and Clarke can't believe it's over, she's in heaven and she's hearing something so beautiful and so- " 

"Lexa? " She whispers with a smile. 

"Don't, Clarke. Don't leave, okay? I'm right here, it's going to be okay, just... " Lexa says quickly, slowly starting to panic. She lifts Clarke's head up on her lap, to make her lie more comfortably. 

"Can you... " Clarke coughs. "Can't you heal me? Like you did to the deer... In the forest, " Clarke whispers, smiling hopefully. 

"I... " Lexa cries. "I can't, Clarke. " 

"Please... Try. " 

"No, Clarke, you don't understand. You're... You're Gifted. Supernatural things don't work on you, my blood won't heal you, " Lexa says. 

"Try. " 

"Clarke- "

"No, Lexa. Just... Try, please. Don't give up, please. " Clarke holds Lexa's hand tight as she breathes through the burning pain, which is slowly making her fingers numb. Lexa gives a sad smile and then slowly bites open her wrist, flinching at the prickling pain as she does so. The blood instantly starts running down her wrist and onto her clothes. 

"Clarke, there's a risk. If this does work and you die with my blood in your system... You'll- "

"I know, " Clarke says with a relaxed smile, as if the pain's no longer there. 

"Okay, " Lexa whispers and lets the blood drip from her wrist and into Clarke's mouth, slowly as it hits her lips Clarke begins to sit up straight, as if she's getting her power and energy back. 

"It's... It's working, " Lexa says, amazed. And just for a second there, it was working. But then Clarke falls to the ground again, hitting her head on the pavement and paints it red. She starts coughing uncontrollably as her body rejects the vampire blood. Her eyes flicker and she can't see straight anymore, the pain comes back as a jack in her stomach and she tries to scream to let go of the pressure but nothing comes out. 

"Lex... Lexa... " She whispers and tries to turn her head to see her, but it's like everything's stuck in place, her arms or legs can't move and she's forced to look straight ahead. She sees Raven who's still whispering words, she's on her knees, blooding still spilling violently from her hand. Only five members of the coven, inclusive the man named Gus and Finn, are still standing.

Suddenly something turns Clarke to the side and she sees how Lexa's holding her up like she doesn't weigh more than a piece of paper. 

"I'm sorry, Clarke, " Lexa says as tears start to form in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry, too, " Clarke says, surprised to see how easy it is to talk now that the pain is nothing but a prickle in her fingers. "I'm sorry for not knowing what I wanted. I'm sorry for saying that I love you and then forcing you to leave. I'm sorry for not realizing that you lost someone special to you and even though that someone did something horrible, you're still allowed the grieve. I'm sorry for not realizing what Raven was capable of. And most of all I'm sorry for not having more time with you because, God, that is the only thing I want right now. " 

Lexa smiles and sniffs and shushes her to keep her calm. She puts a lock of Clarke's blond hair with the pink tips away from her face and smiles even more. 

"It's okay, " She says. "I wish I could save you, Clarke. That's what made me keep talking to you in the first place, that's what made me stay in that stupid, little town. My wish to save and protect you form anything bad and evil, that's what made me think it was okay what I was doing, falling in love with you. I thought... I thought maybe it was faith or destiny that drove me to you, I mean, I almost fell in love with you just from hearing your voice from afar, Clarke. " Lexa laughs sadly and smiles as she cups Clarke's face gently. 

"We're so bad for each other, " Clarke says and grins. 

"We are. " 

"I love you. " 

"I love you, too. " 

And with the last word said Raven screams a painful scream that makes both of them look towards her. 

"Lexa, please. Save her for me. I know you don't want to, but- " 

"I won't leave you, Clarke. Not if this is the... The end. " 

"This is what I want, please. " 

"Clarke- " 

"Please! " Clarke cries as she leans into Lexa's hand, which is still around her face.

"God damn it, Clarke. " Lexa whispers as she gets up slowly from the ground, looking towards Raven who's on her knees on the ground. The coven, or what's left of it, slowly walks towards her. Lexa's surprised to see the guy, Finn, standing not far behind the leader. 

Lexa runs to Raven and looks at her, she's pale and she looks tired and... Old. Small wrinkles are starting to form around her eyes and mouth and the blood under her nose and hands are starting to dry out. 

"Raven, look at me, " Lexa says. "Clarke told me to save you. I don't want to do it, but I have to. Because what kind of monster would rob Clarke from her last wish, " Lexa says more to herself than to Raven, as if she needed to be reminded of that. "So you better fucking look at me, right now. " And with those words Raven looks from the coven and to Lexa, her mouth still forming words under her breath, her voice is gone completely. 

"I can heal you if you drink my blood, okay? It'll give you extra power and it'll not make you die from this, " Lexa says. She can hear Clarke whimpering in the background, curling up on the pavement from the pain and Lexa's fighting every urge to not go to her. "Raven, God damn it, just fucking drink my blood. " Lexa reopens the wound, which has already healed, from before and forces her wrist to Raven's mouth who closes her eyes as she drinks. 

The lines around her face disappears and she gets up on her feet again, nodding towards Lexa who takes a step back. Raven's voice comes back as she screams the words, making the last members, not Gus or Finn, fall to the ground. Lexa looks back towards Clarke who's lying still, Lexa concentrates on Clarke and she finds her heartbeat. It's beating slowly, but it's beating, that's what's important. 

"Raven, " The guy, Finn, says and takes a step forward. "Please, don't do this. I... You have to understand. I did it because those are the rules and because I didn't want... I didn't want to die because of her. I wanted us, you and I, to be together and she was in the way. I love you, Raven. I love- " 

"Shut up! " Raven screams and for a second she looses focus and Gus runs forward, almost jumping at Raven. But Lexa runs towards him, meeting him in the middle. She hits him hard in the stomach and forces his arm go come around on his back, she gives it a quick nudge and the sound of his bones clicking loudly gives her the signal that his shoulder's broken. He screams from the sudden pain, but then grabs Lexa's leg as he's on his knees. He pull it forward instantly and Lexa falls to the ground. 

He lifts his shoulder, his broken shoulder, and the clicking sound comes back as his shoulder's healed. 

"Healing spell, " He says and laughs. He clenches his wrist, holds out his hand in front of him and then opens it slowly, grinning as Lexa screams loudly and falls to the ground. She wrenches from the pain like a wet cloth. Her bones snap one by one, only getting enough time to heal, just to then be snapped again. The pain feels like it lasts hours and hours until Raven raises her voice and sends the man the ground. 

Lexa gets up slowly and snaps her fingers back into place. She looks around them and sees metal tubes going from the ground to the roof of the old building. She rips a small one out, ignoring the water now streaming out of it, and holds it tight before turning to look at Gus. He's up on his feet again and his wicked grin is gone. He takes a step forward and twists his wrist, the pavement in front of him peals off and flies up towards the sky, then he twists his wrist again and it all comes flying towards Raven. Lexa runs forward, fast, and drops to the ground, getting Raven with her. Lexa holds her body over Raven's as the stone hard pavement hits her back, ruining her shirt and making cuts and bruises on her skin. 

Suddnely Lexa feels how she's flying through the air and, out of nowhere, hits the wall of the building. She gets up on her feet and looks around. She sees Finn standing not very far from her, mouthing an apology as he twists both hist wrists and the wall comes falling down on Lexa. She feels the weight of bricks but fights through it, running full speed towards Finn. She grabs his neck and then both his hands and holds them behind his back. She turns to look at Raven's who's gotten up and is standing only ten feet away from Lexa. 

"Raven! Can I? " Lexa asks and she doesn't know why. She knows she eventually has to, but something inside of her doesn't want to do it. She needs permission, somehow. Raven turns and looks, considering it for a moment. 

"Do it, " She says with disgust in her voice. "Make him feel no pain. " 

And with that Lexa jumps on his back and holds herself up in place with her legs wrapped around his waist. "You deserve this, " She says. She lets go of his arms only to get a firm grip around his head and with a clicking sound and a twist he falls to the ground, Lexa standing next to him. Raven screams loudly as she pushes back Gus who's walking towards her. 

"You can't win this, Raven, " He says. "Give up and I will let you live. You can come back to the coven- " 

"There is no coven anymore! " Raven screams. 

"You think you killed them? " He laughs. "If you killed them your little... Friend would've been dead, too. See, I'm a leader, Raven. I think rationally. I linked the entire coven to her, kill one of us and you kill her. Hurt one of us, you hurt her. You're the one who's been killing her this whole time, Raven. Not me, not the coven, no one but you. You're the one who's making her suffer. Give up and I will take care of her. I will make her die for a reason. " 

"A stupid reason! You're not going to just kill her, you're going to make tests on her like some animal! " Raven screams. 

"I'm doing what I have to do to make sure the coven stays alive, Raven. You know this, Finn knew this. He... He only told us about her to protect you. And look at him now, dead because of a vampire. Don't make this about anyone but that girl, don't make anyone but her suffer. There's no need to do all of this, to fight. Give up and it'll all be over. I will let you live, peacefully. " 

Raven looks over her shoulder towards Clarke who's on the ground. He eyes are flickering around in her head as she tries to make sense of up and down. She's trying to get up from the ground, just to fall back down again. Blood is spilling out of her nose and ears. 

"I'm sorry, " Raven whispers. 

"Good, " Gus says. "Now. Stop the spell you're doing and- " 

"No! " Lexa yells and runs up next to Raven. "You're not giving up! " 

"I can't do anything, Lexa! If I hurt him I hurt Clarke! He won... They won! " 

"Stop! We... There's a way... I... " 

"See? " Raven says. "We lost. " 

Suddenly Gus yells and falls to his knees, blood slowly seeking through his shirt around his stomach. 

"What... " Lexa says. She follows Raven's eyes, which are looking towards Clarke. Clarke is on her knees, a sharp piece of metal in her hand and an open wound in her stomach. "NO! " Lexa screams and runs to her. Within a second she's sitting next to her, catching her as she falls to the ground. "No, no, no, no! Clarke... You idiot! " Lexa cries as Clarke drops the piece of metal. 

"I... I had to do it... We would've lost, " She says with dreamy eyes, not being able to focus on anything around her. 

"You dying means we lost, Clarke. I can't... I can't save you... You know that! " 

"I didn't want to come with them, Lexa. I didn't want to just be a... An animal, " Clarke says. 

"I know... But... We could've done something! You didn't... Why did you do this! " 

"My fight is over, Lexa. I tried and I... I lost. But you guys can still... You can still live. " 

"I don't want to...I don't want to live without you, " Lexa says. She holds her tight and tries to keep a firm pressure on Clarke's stomach, as if it would help. She bites her own wrist but Clarke holds her hand tight. 

"Don't. It won't work, you know that. " 

"Let me try! " Lexa yells, tears are falling from her chin. "Let me just try... I... I can turn you, Clarke. I can make you like me and it'll be okay! I know it will! " Lexa says. She takes Clarke's wrist and bites her, feeling how her blood fills her mouth for a second before she lets go, spitting it out on the ground next to them. "It'll work, " She says as she bites Clarke again and again up and down her arms and in the crease of her neck. 

"Stop... Lexa, I'm Gifted, " Clarke says and laughs saddened. "It won't work. Just... Say goodbye. "

"NO! " Lexa cries and holds Clarke closer to her body. "No... I can't. I won't. Because you're going to get through this and it's- " 

"Lexa... " Clarke whispers. "I love you, you know that. I won't apologies anymore for anything. I love you and we would've been great together, we both know that. We would've seen the world together and we would've loved each other for every moment, even as I would've grown older and older and eventually you would've let me go anyway. This was... This would've been a fairy tail. " Clarke cries. 

Lexa can hear how her heartbeat is slowing down and how the blood slowly starts to stop running through her veins as it paints Clarke and Lexa's clothes red. 

"I love you, " Clarke says. 

"I love you, too. " Lexa smiles. She leans over her to kiss her one last time before Clarke exhales and her eyes go empty. "NO! " Lexa screams loudly until her voice dies out and she feels Raven by her side. 

"She was so brave, " Raven says, through gritted teeth and tears falling down her face. "We need to leave. The spell is gone. People can see us now, " Raven says. "We need to leave. " 

"No... " Lexa cries. "I won't leave her, " She says. "I won't... What do we tell her mother? And... And her friends? We can't... We can't just leave her here. " 

"I... People will come and they will se Gus and... And Finn. They'll see the blood on the ground here and the police will make tests and they'll see it's Clarke's. We have to... We have to go. " 

"NO! I don't... I don't care if they see me. We'll... We'll make it look like a car crash, " Lexa says and look over to the car. She runs to it and pushes it into the wall Finn ruined. She smashes the windows in the car. 

"Lexa... " Raven tries. 

"No! You'll say you survived and you carried the others out of the car. I'll get rid of the coven and... " 

"What about Gus? I can't just say he was in the car with us, he's not supposed to even exist. The coven live their lives in secret. He's no one. " 

"He's a homeless man who ran out in front of the car, you hit him and drove to the side and hit the building, " Lexa says. "Just lie to them, to everyone. " 

"Why would I even be driving here? We're nowhere near LA. " 

"Roadtrip. Clarke finished high school and... And you all needed to get away, " Lexa says. "Make sure they call her mom right away, she deserves to know as fast as possible. " 

"Lexa.. I can't- " 

"You have to, Raven. For her... " Lexa cries. 

Raven nods and Lexa begins taking the bodies of the coven, she snaps their neck with no problem and hides them in a dumpster behind the ruined building. It takes her a few minutes and when she's done she hears the sound of a car pull over not far from them. Lexa disappears with a swoosh in the air. Raven tells the lie over and over again to everyone who asks her what happened, the police, the ambulances, until her voice is gone and she can't think clear anymore. 

Lexa watches everything from a distance, as if it's just some dream or wicked movie.


	18. Chapter 18

Lexa stands outside the door, listening to the wood creak beneath her feet as she waits. Everything looks the same, not that there would've been time for anything to change, it's only been two days since she last stood here, waiting for someone to let her. And then someone does. 

"Hey Abby, " Lexa says as she tries to sound calm. 

"Lexa, hi. " Abby smiles, clearly confused and not at all happy. 

"I'm sorry... About just coming here, uninvited. I... I just think I needed it, " Lexa says. She looks at the staircase, the kitchen and the hallway and everything behind Abby. 

"It's okay, it's nice to get company. Not that people aren't here all the time... But, you now what I mean. " Abby smiles and takes a step to the side with a nod. "Here, " She says. "I haven't... I haven't been in her room yet. I'm not- " 

"It's okay. I won't be long. " Lexa smiles. 

She walks upstairs quickly, letting her eyes fall on every photo of Clarke and every drawing and painting that's been hung up on the walls around her. She lingers at the door for a second before opening it, feeling crushed by the sudden smell of Clarke's... Everything. 

She lets her hands fall on every object around the room, careful to not move anything too much out of place. When she eventually gets to the bed she looks at it, it's messy with the sheets halfway on the floor. Clothes paint the floor in many different shades of neutral and black, papers are all over the desk and on the floor, curled up drawings have gathered around the bin and paint splotches are filling up the floorboards the places clothes isn't. 

Clarke's everywhere, in every little thing in her room. It's like every tiny sculpture or toy from a McDonalds Happy Meal or piece of jewelry has been handmade just for her, like everything is there because of her. Lexa grabs a necklace with a pendant on it, the cold metal against her skin feels like rush of anxiety hitting her quickly. 

"Everything okay? " Abby calls from the other side of the door. 

"Uh, yeah. Everything's fine. I'll be down in two minutes. " Lexa calls back and bites her lip slowly until it bleeds. 

***

Abby's downstair in the kitchen making tea for the two of them, Lexa sucks it up and drinks it, even though it's tasteless and doesn't even feel hot against her skin. 

"So how are you doing? " Abby asks, the uncomfortable feeling almost seeking out of her. 

"I'm... Not okay, " Lexa says and puts down her mug. "I loved her, still do, Abby. And I know... I know that you might think I made Clarke do some stupid things, and sometimes I did. But we were... We had something special and I like to think I made her happy, at least for a little while. " 

"I didn't think you guys were... Talking anymore. I thought you'd left town because... You didn't want to be with- " 

"That's not true, though. " Lexa breathes through every syllable, trying to keep calm. "I thought I was bad for Clarke and that I would end up... Hurting her. So I left to make it better and... Well... " Lexa feels a lump start to form in her throat. 

"It's okay, Lexa. I know you made her happy, you must've. She was so... Miserable without you. You guys would've been very... " Abby nods as she speaks, trying to fight her words to the surface, but when nothing comes out she just takes a sip of her tea. 

"Thank you, Abby. I... I'm so sorry for everything you've lost. No one deserves this, no one, " Lexa says and places her hand on Abby's for second before moving it back to her cup. Abby smiles as she blinks away the tears, trying to stay collected. 

"I'll get through this, we all will. We're... The memorial is the day after tomorrow, Lexa. If you want to come- " 

"I will, thank you. " 

"You could say a few words, if you feel like it. She'd wanted that. " 

"I... I don't know- " 

"Think about it. " Abby smiles and taps the side of her mug before taking one last sip. 

"I need to go, sorry. " Lexa says and walks out fast, leaving with a small grin, before shutting the door behind her with a click. The fresh air going through her lungs has never been necessary until this very moment. As is streams through her it feels like this is the first time she's ever felt air inside of her, now it makes sense as to why she's had a burning feeling in her chest this whole time. Clarke's scent felt like fire going through her nostrils one breath at a time. 

It begins to rain, first small drips and then it starts pouring. The wind also picks up on the suddenly horrible weather and now people are running around outside like confused ants, frantically trying to find shelter. 

"Hey! " Someone calls and Lexa turns around. "I thought you left town, " 

"What... Bellamy? " Lexa says as he leads her inside a small café Lexa's never noticed before. 

"I thought you left town like months ago. Why are you here? " He says, running his hand through his wet curls. 

"I... Clarke- " 

"You're not coming to her memorial, are you? You really think she'd want you there? " He says with a sickening tone, as if he could just vomit at every second. 

"I am and she'd want me there, Bellamy. We both know that. I'm leaving right after it, you'll never see me again. So let's just... Leave it at that, " Lexa says and turns around, she feels someone with a firm grip hold around her elbow. "Let go of me. I'm not... I'm not in the mood. " 

"Not in the mood? Lexa, I'm sorry about being a dick all the time, I don't want to be. But I do find it funny how ever since you came into her life it's just gone downhill for her- " 

"Downhill? You call this downhill? God, the fact that you guys were ever a thing makes me sick! " Lexa pulls her arm to her and turns around towards the exit before Bellamy gets a hand on her again. 

"She wouldn't want you there, Lexa. She'd only want her friends- " 

"I was her friend, Bellamy. You were a distraction, " Lexa says, turning around and pointing at him in fury. "I made her happy and you didn't do anything other than annoy her. I... I was there for her- " 

"She's dead now anyway, Lexa. It doesn't matter. Come to her memorial if you want to, it's not like she's going to know anyway. Look, I'm not blaming you for what happened, but I'm not blaming myself either. She died because of an accident... An accident! It's just... Clarke shouldn't have gone that way, she deserved so much more. " 

"She did, " Lexa says. "I'm leaving now. I'll be at the memorial and then I'll go, no need to come yell at me for no reason ever again. Goodbye, Bellamy. " Lexa turns around and walks outside, the rain is pouring down on her, making her hair fall flat to her face. She can feel how her eyeliner is running down her cheeks, leaving black marks on her face, but she doesn't care. Never has she been this close to not feeling a thing without turning off her humanity. 

***

The day of Clarke's memorial comes quick and soon Lexa finds herself dressed in a black dress she hates and sitting outside a church on a bench made of raw wood. 

"You must be Lexa, " A young girl with dark hair and cold eyes says. "I'm Octavia. " She reaches out to let Lexa shake her hand and Lexa does, Octavia flinches from Lexa's cold hand but ignores it and sits down next to her. 

"I'm sorry for you loss, " Lexa says, because she doesn't know what else to do. 

"We all lost her. " Octavia nods though her words and looks out over the green fields surrounding the church. The sun is shining brightly, something it hasn't done in months. A guy shows up behind a corner. His skin is tan, he's bald and has a stern look on his face. His eyes light up when he sees the girl, Octavia. 

"Hey, " He says and puts an arm around Octavia, kissing her hair on the top of her head. 

"Will you be speaking at the memorial later? " Octavia asks, looking at Lexa. 

"I... I don't know. I haven't decided yet. " 

"Clarke cared about you, even if you drove her nuts. She said... She talked about you like you were made of gold, you know. She'd wanted you to- " 

"We don't know what she'd want, " Lexa says, louder than intended. "I'm sorry- " 

"It's okay. I was mad, too. But... These things happen and there's no reason to just keep- " 

"Octavia, " Lincoln whispers. He tugs at her shoulder. "I don't think we need to hear that right now. " His voice is calm and collected, like he's chosen every words up front and is saying them in his own special way. "I'm Lincoln, by the way. " He smiles shortly and nods, Lexa mimicking his actions. 

"Lexa, " She says and gets up from the bench. "I... I think I'd like to go now, actually. I'm sorry- " 

"You can't leave. Not... " Octavia stops when Lincoln kisses her forehead again and whispers something to her. Lexa ignores it, pretends like she didn't hear it. "Goodbye, " Octavia then says. 

"She'd want you there, " Lincoln says and smiles. The two of them, Lincoln and Octavia, walk down the stone road hand in hand like this is how they were created, next to each other and close. Lexa turns around just to see another round of people walking out the church. Most of them look like they're about Abby's age, a few are some from school Lexa's seen a couple of times. 

"Lexa, you came! " Abby says and smiles, she wipes her eyes and takes a deep breath, clearly forcing herself with every bit of self-control to not start crying again. "I'm sorry if this is really hard on you, I mean that. The memorial, though, are you coming? " She asks, hopeful. 

"I... I don't know. I don't... I don't think I can, Abby. I'm sorry- " 

"Please, Lexa. I'm scared... I'm scared that no one will say anything. I mean... She's touched so many and... " Abby's voice breaks once and then the tears start flowing. Lexa lays her hand on Abby's and smiles nervously.

"I'll come, okay? I'll say a few things just... Not too much. I'm leaving again soon. " 

"Thank you, really. " 

***

The memorial is held at their house. Food has been put out in the kitchen and people are standing all around everywhere, talking about Clarke and how unfair it is and memories they have of her. Lexa feels how the room gets smaller around her and how more and more people are coming to fill it up. Clarke's being mentioned everywhere and every time she hears her name it feels like fire inside her head. 

"Lexa, hey. " The girl with the red jacket and the brown hair says and gives an awkward smile and nods as she looks everywhere but at Lexa. "I didn't know you'd be here. " 

"Abby... She wanted me here, I guess and- " 

"Who can say no to the dead girl's mother, " Raven says and ignores the few people staring at her from her words. "How are you feeling? " 

"Terrible. " 

"Good, no humanity switch turned off, then. That's good, " Raven says and nods. 

"What about you? You lost Clarke and... And Finn. " Lexa realizes at that moment that she hasn't even spared a thought to Finn. 

"I did. " She nods. "I miss them both, but... Finn is the reason all of this happened and I can't even stand to think about him. " 

"Maybe when the anger is gone you'll get to grieve him, " Lexa says and picks at the long sleeves of her dress. 

"Maybe. Right now I don't want to. I want her back, " Raven says and sighs loudly. "I can't find a spell for it anywhere but I know that they exist and- " 

"Wait, wait. What? You... You can bring her back? " Lexa asks quietly, making sure no one's listening. 

"People have done it before. I just... I just need to get enough power and it has to be before they actually bury her and... It'll work. I know it will, " Raven says and puts her hands on the pockets of her jacket. 

"Raven, look. Maybe... I want her back, too, don't get me wrong. But this is... This is messing with things we should not be messing with. She's dead, gone. And there's nothing we can or should do about it. " 

"I can bring her back, Lexa. I'm sure I can. " 

"Let's say you do it. Then what? How would you explain it to her entire family? They... People are mourning, Raven. This is not... " Lexa shakes her head and rings her hand through her hair slowly. 

"I can bring her back! " Raven says a little too loud, some people from Abby's work stop and stare for a second before realizing who Raven is. Then their faces just fill with pity looks and they continue their conversation. "That's been happening all day. They keep looking at me like I've lost everything... I have, though. The coven... What's left of it, I guess. They're not answering my calls. I'm going back there- " 

"What? You're going back to them? After what they did? " 

"Not everyone were a part of that, Lexa. Some... Some of them were, are, my friends. I need them. I lost... I lost everything, Lexa. " 

"Don't talk about loosing someone like I don't know what it means. You killed my best friend, remember? " Lexa says as she takes a step back. 

"And now mine's dead, too. So I guess we're even, " Raven says and pushes her way past Lexa and falls to the couch with a sigh. 

"Okay, everyone! Please, listen. Lexa... " Abby says, trying to think of Lexa's last name. 

"Woods, " Lexa says sternly, it's a last name she hasn't used for while. 

"Lexa Woods would like to say a few words about... About Clarke. So, please... Here she is, " Abby says and smiles. She walks to the side and people give room for Lexa to come up in front of the TV. 

"So... " Lexa says and breathes heavily. "I was Clarke's friend, " Lexa laughs shortly and quietly. "I didn't know her for long, but as you all probably know, just seeing Clarke for a split second feels like hours. She has... had... This incredible power, a gift, to fill a room with so much of... of everything. I'm going to miss her, a lot, and nothing will ever be the same and I will never get over... All of this. She probably can't hear what I'm saying right now... So I won't say anything to her, I like to think that I said what I needed to say before... Before everything happened. So I will make this to all of you. " 

Lexa fiddles with her hair for a split second before looking out through the room again and locks eyes with Abby who's crying even harder now. 

"I'm so sorry for everything I did to Clarke, for making her sad or angry. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Abby, I'm sorry that this is happening because even though you don't know me really... I know that you'd help me with anything within a split second. You don't deserve this, no one does. I love her and I always will and... " Lexa nods, trying to get through her words. She puts her hand to her face and wipes away the few tears that have fallen to her cheeks. 

"I'm sorry, " She says before storming out of the room, not taking a second to look back. 

***

"So this is were you're hiding, " Raven says as she sits down next to Lexa on the porch. 

"It's not really a hiding place, I'd say. " 

"Whatever, " Raven says and puts down her drink. "Your speech wasn't very good. " 

"I know. " Lexa laughs shortly. "It was horrible, honestly. I didn't know what to say, like, there were things I wanted to say, but how? I... I can't just tell them all that Clarke chose to see through the fact that I've killed someone and even though my best friend murdered her dad she still chose to love me. " 

Raven laughs, takes a sip from her drink and then passes it to Lexa. "Alcohol? Really? " Lexa quirks an eyebrow before taking a sip, almost coughing from the power of it. 

"Yeah, no one blames the girl who lost two important people in one day. " Raven smiles sadly before emptying the glass. 

"I don't know what to do now, " Lexa says hopelessly. "I don't have anyone left. I've lived for so long and... I don't want to live any longer. " 

"Before... Before everything happened, Clarke told me something. She told me that she wanted you to keep living your life and- " 

"Sure, " Lexa says and bites her lip, hard. "Sure, that's easy for everyone to just say. What they don't realize is that I don't just have 40-50 years left. I have an eternity of... Of nothing. " Lexa cries. "I fucked it up. I actually ruined my life. " 

"No... " Raven tries, but she knows Lexa's right. She wouldn't want to wish this kind of life for anyone. "You can travel the world, you can do whatever you want- " 

"I don't want anything... Other than her. " 

"I know... " Raven nods. 

"This can't be it. I can't... I can't just have lived for more 70 years as a vampire and just... Be alone. " 

"I want to say you're not alone but... Well, " Raven says. "Who am I kidding? We both lost. " 

"I'm gonna dig a very deep hole and I'm gonna need you to fill it up once I'm in it, " Lexa says and Raven laughs shortly. 

They go quiet for a while, Raven plays with the empty glass and Lexa just stares straight ahead, as if she's waiting for something to happen. 

"I can bring her back, " Raven says and looks at Lexa. 

"I wish- " 

"No, Lexa. I can honestly bring her back. I know I can, I promise. " 

"Raven, don't- " 

"I will bring her back. No matter what, I promise you. Lexa, you'll get to see Clarke again, living, breathing, Clarke. I promise. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PART 2 IS OUT NOW!!

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @ notreallystraight if you wanna message me or ask me about the story/stories I'm writing <3


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